Category Archives: Nightmares
‘He was a monster’: how priest child abuse tore apart Pennsylvania towns
A grand jury report issued last week details abuse by dozens of Catholic leaders in the small communities of Altoona-Johnstown from the 1950s to the 1990s
Joanna Walters in Ebensburg, Pennsylvania
Tuesday 8 March 2016 07.30 EST
One of Brian Gergely’s fellow altar boys had a code he would use to signal danger in the room where they and the priest prepared for mass.
“He would say ‘red buttons’, and that was the alert that the priest was coming up behind you, and we would try to get away from him, running around the desk in the middle of the room where he kept the chalices, the host and the wine,” said Gergely, 46.
Gergely was 10 at the time.
A MESSAGE TO “FATHER” LEON GAULIN, ST THOMAS MORE PARISH IN DURHAM NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH
A MESSAGE TO “FATHER” LEON GAULIN, ST THOMAS MORE PARISH IN DURHAM NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH
Hey Leon, you pedophile psycho!!! How has been your life you disgusting piece of shit? Oh I know how your life has been. The investigator for Peter Hutchins told me quite a bit about your sorry ass.
Gee…like I know, unlike myself, you never missed one single meal, or had to worry where your next meal came from. Myself? Sometimes I had to dive into dumpsters and eat canned cat food.
I know how you NEVER had to worry about a roof over your head. While I have slept under bridges, houses, in parks, being homeless sometimes for months at a time.
We’re your dreams sweet Leon? Did you ever dream or have a nightmare about what you and the others did to me that night? I know now there were others with you Leon. I know why you gave me that drink of water. Funny how I do not remember pretty much anything after that…but I know something more horrifying happened to me at the hands of you and other priests that night. Did you dedicate me to the service of Satan? Did you sacrifice my soul on your altar? Is that why I felt I was a demon afterwards, so much so that I took the name of Damien from The Omen movies as my name? Why Leon, does Desmonds name stick in my head? Was he there? Did he rape me too along with a few others? I remember Desmond from St Charles. So tell me Leon, did you all seriously have to destroy everything about me that night? Do you feel proud of all the pain, suffering, horror that you brought and caused in my life?
As for myself Leon, I wish you could experience some of my nightmares, where I am in hell, being gang-raped by priests, and the very demons of hell. Typically Leon they end with you. See you now have the face of a demon, but I know it is you. You come over, rip off my dick and eat it. I feel EVERYTHING in these nightmares Leon. I sure wish you could experience them like I do.
WE KNOW YOU DID IT LEON GAULIN…WE KNOW IT. I KNOW WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL YOU RAPED ME, THAT EVERYTHING I SAID YOU DID TO ME THAT NIGHT, THAT NIGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME SAFE FROM HARM, THAT YOU FORCED ME INTO DOING THINGS THROUGH YOUR FUCKING PERVERSE USE OF YOUR PSYCHOTIC RELIGION. YOU RAPED ME LEON GAULIN, YOU SUCKED MY DICK TO SUCK THE DEMON OUT OF ME, YOU FORCED ME TO SUCK YOUR DICK TO TAKE YOUR SACRED SACRAMENT AND THEN YOU RAPED ME ANALLY WHILE FORCING ME TO DO PENNANCE WHILE YOU THREATENED ME WITH THE FIRES OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY IF I TOLD ANYONE ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL HEALINGS.
YOU PROVED YOUR DAMN GUILT THE MOMENT YOU DISCONNECTED YOUR PHONE AND PUT YOUR HOUSE UP FOR SALE IN MAINE AND LEFT FOR FLORIDA WITH YOUR HUSBAND, ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER THE INVESTIGATOR SAW YOU.
Here is my whole point of this Leon Gaulin and St Thomas More parish and all of you there, and to the Unholy Roman Catholic Church of Pedophiles along with that nasty, disgusting Bill Pig Face Donohue of the Catholic League.
ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CAUSED ME? I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE!!! I DON’T WANT THE NIGHTMARES, I DON’T WANT ALL THIS EVIL YOU HAVE BROUGHT TO ME AND SCREWED MY LIFE WITH. I AM NOT THE DEMON, I AM NOT THE SATAN, I AM NOT THE ONE WHO WILL BE BOUND TO YOUR HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. NO, NO MORE YOU LOW LIVES….NO MORE YOU SCUM….NO MORE YOU PEDOPILES, YOU DEFENDERS OF PEDOPHILES AND YOU WHO DARE CALL THEM HOLY MEN OF GOD!!!! NO MORE DO YOU FREAKING UNDERSTAND ME!!!
ALL OF THIS, ALL OF THIS EVIL YOU BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE, ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALL OF THIS TORMENT, ALL OF IT…..NOW BELONGS TO YOU LEON GAULIN, TO YOU THE OTHER PRIESTS OF ST THOMAS MORE WHO PARTICIPATED IN MY RAPE, ALL OF YOU PARISHIONERS OF THAT PARISH WHO STAND UP AND DEFEND THEM, ALL OF YOU PEDOPHILE PIMPS, LIKE CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN, ET AL, AND YOU BILL DONOHUE OF THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE….ALL OF THIS IS NOW YOURS!!!!
YOU WILL ALL NOW SUFFER JUST LIKE I HAVE BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS AGAINST ME. YOU ALL WILL NOW RECEIVE ALL THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING YOU CAUSED ME IN YOUR LIVES. ALL OF IT…..AND ALL THAT GOOD YOU ALL GET? THE BEING FED, HOUSED AND NEVER HAVING TO WORRY AGAIN ABOUT THOSE THINGS? NOW COME TO ME.
ALL OF THIS EVIL NOW RETURNS TO YOU ALL A HUNDRED FOLD. A THOUSAND FOLD. YOU ALL WILL NOW SUFFER THE NIGHTMARES I HAVE. YOU ALL WILL NOW SUFFER THE GUILT, THE PAIN AND THE EVIL I HAVE….IT NOW ALL BELONGS TO YOU. IT NOW ALL BELONGS ON YOUR HEADS, ON YOUR HEARTS IN YOUR SOULESS BODIES.
I CURSE AND CONDEMN YOU ALL, UNDER THE POWER OF RIGHT AND GOOD AND BEAUTY!!! I CURSE ALL OF YOU FOR STEALING MY LIFE AND GIVING ME ONE OF INCREDIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING. I CURSE ALL OF YOU WITH THE VERY SAME THINGS YOU ALL DID TO ME. ALL OF THIS EVIL IS NOW YOURS…A HUNDRED FOLD, A THOUSAND FOLD…AND IT IS NO LONGER MINE. I REFUSE IT, I REJECT IT, I SEND IT ALL YOUR WAY, NEVER TO RETURN TO ME EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE OR ANY OTHER.
YOU ALL STAND CONDEMEND…BY THE POWER OF LIGHT AND RIGHT…..YOU ALL STAND CONDEMEND BY MY OWN POWER OF BEING MY OWN GOD!!!! I SEND THIS TO ALL OF YOU, TO YOU LEON GAULIN AND TO YOUR DISGUSTING PRIESTLY PSYCHOPATHS WHO RAPED ME THAT NIGHT. I SEND THIS TO THE ARCHBISHOP OF MANCHESTER…FOR DENYING ME MY RIGHT TO JUSTICE. I SEND THIS TO THEIR LAWYER….WHO USED A DISGUSTING LAW TO AVOID PAYING FOR THE CRIMES OF RAPE AND TORTURE AGAINST ME. I SEND THIS TO BILL DONOHUE AND CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN AND ALL THE REST OF THE PEDOPHILE PIMPS OF THE UNHOLY CHURCH, WHO KNOWINGLY COVERED UP THESE CRIMES AND PROTECTED AND DEFENDED THE RAPIST OVER US.
I RETURN ALL OF THIS EVIL TO YOU ALL, A HUNDRED FOLD, A THOUSAND FOLD, FOR IT IS JUST AND RIGHT FOR ALL THE LIVES YOU HAVE RUINED. FOR ALL THE CHILDREN RAPED, BEATEN, BRUTALIZED, FOR ALL THOSE YOU MURDERED, THROUGH YOUR FOUL DEEDS AND CRIMES. FOR ALL THE VICTIMS OF SUICIDE WHO KILLED THEMSELVES BECAUSE OF YOUR CHURCHES DISGUSTING ACTIONS I CONDEMN YOU ALL.
YOU STAND CONDEMEND BY THE LIGHT AND THE POWER OF A GOD YOU HAVE NO CLUE OR UNDERSTANDING OF. FOR I AM THAT GOD, AS ALL OF US ARE, AND I STAND IN THE LIGHT, NOT THE DARKNESS AS YOU DO AND I CONDEMN YOU ALL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HUMANITY AND THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD!!!!
YOU STAND CONDEMNED, UNTIL YOU ADMIT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND YOU PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!!!! OR WHEN YOU DIE? YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT HELL IS REAL AND THAT IS WHERE YOUR SOULS WILL BE UNTIL YOU ADMIT THERE WHAT YOU DID WRONG AND PAY FOR IT. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOUR SOULS BE RELEASED FROM THIS CURSE, THIS CONDEMNATION OF ALL OF YOU.
FOR I AM THE LIGHT, I AM NOT THE EVIL YOU ALL ARE….AND I NO LONGER ACCEPT YOUR JUDGEMENT OF MY BEING SO. I THROW THIS BACK AT ALL OF YOU, WITH POWER AND MIGHT AND LIGHT THAT NONE OF YOU CAN EVER OVERCOME OR DEFEAT. FOR YOU ARE CURSED BY THIS LIGHT, BY THIS POWER BECAUSE OF YOUR EVIL AGAINST CHILDREN AND AGAINST MANKIND. YOU ARE JUDGED EVIL BY THIS LIGHT AND AS SUCH, YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR EVILS AGAINST THE WORLD.
YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS. THIS BELONGS TO ALL OF YOU AS YOUR KARMA. FOR AS YOU SOW….SO SHALL YOU REAP.
YOU SOWED HORROR, YOU SOWED PAIN AND SUFFERING, TO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF US AS CHILDREN AND TEENS AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO REAP WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN. NOW IT IS TIME, FOR ALL OF THIS HORROR, ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING OF MILLIONS FALL ONTO YOUR SHOULDERS. ONTO YOUR HEADS AND INTO YOUR LIVES.
SO BE PREPARED LEON GAULIN AND ALL THE REST. CAUSE HELL IS COMING FOR YOU. PAIN AND SUFFERING WILL BE YOUR LOT. YOU ALL WILL LOSE EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR….JUST LIKE YOU ALL DID TO US. YOU ALL WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST US. YOU WILL KNOW THIS WITH A FRIGHTENED HEART AND YOUR DEAD SOULS WILL KNOW IT TOO. YOU KNOW IT NOW.
SO ONE MORE TIME…..
ALL THE EVIL THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME, ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALL THE HORROR, ALL THE NIGHTMARES, AND THAT OF THE MILLIONS OF OTHERS SO HARMED BY YOUR DISGUSTING PEDOPHILES…..NOW LEAVES ME AND MY LIFE AND THEIR LIVES AND COMES TO YOURS LEON GAULIN, AND ALL THE REST OF YOU. FOR IT IS NO LONGER MINE OR THEIRS….BUT YOURS.
SO MOTE IT IS….SO MOTE IT BE!!!!
Creepy Crawler Ex-Phoenix Priest George Bredemann Dies In Prison
Stories about pedophile Catholic priests have become de rigueur in recent years, in Phoenix and around the rest of the world.
Here is that story, which we re-read yesterday after learning of Bredemann’s death at the Arizona State Prison in Buckeye. He was 69.
Ahhhh Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Roman Catholic Church’s biggest apologist and chief ass kisser of His High Unholiness the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict Arnold.
I liken the Papal Bullshitter as the Anti-Christ, the Spawn of Satan’s Loins and Dolan as his servant on earth.
You apologize like a good neo maxi zoom dweebie and you continue to stand up for your perverts of the Roman Catholic Church and your interests. Maybe it is because you one day want to wear the Fairy Red Slippers and be able to be the next Papal Bullshitter. Oh wait, you would have to wait until your Anti-Christ kicks off and dies and goes to the hell he so richly deserves to spend an eternity in, just like YOU Cardinal Timothy Dolan.
Dolan goes around screaming how us victims are picking on him, the RCC and the Papal Bullshitter. How unfair it is that we seek justice against the perverted rapist priests of his organized crime church. How it is wrong to belittle and besmirch his high unholiness and we should all stop picking on him and leave his sorry ass alone. How it is wrong to make the RCC pay money to us victims. How it is unfair to the church to pay us victims because the evil priest who raped us, or the bishop or cardinal who covered this up and shipped their perverted priests to other parishes so they could rape children some more are dead. Well they may be dead, but us victims are still alive. He screams how most of these people are dead and therefore would not be punished for their actions, yet the church and congregation of the church are the ones who will be punished for their behavior.
That is like saying that Hitler should have never been prosecuted for the behavior of his men under him or his own actions because it would be unfair to the people of Germany if they lost.
That is like saying the sadistic priests of your Inquisitions should never be prosecuted if they could be and that the millions of innocent men, women and children put to death under torture, brutality and evil under the direction of this church’s leaders should just shut the hell up and go away if they were not so dead from the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church actions.
See Dolan, you sorry excuse for a supposed holy man, you are just like all the other evil of the Roman Catholic Church. The Roman Catholic Church is responsible for the rape and murder of millions, but you losers think that you are all above the law. Lleaders like you Timothy Dolan may speak that you care, that you feel shame for us victims of your perverted rapist priests, but your hidden words that seem to always get revealed and your actions speak volumes that you are still one of the perverted, twisted, sick and evil leaders of one of the most bloodiest and evil of all the christian denominations.
Dolan, I seriously doubt that you are going to heaven when you die. I do have knowledge of Jesus Christ, at least the real spirit of Jesus Christ, not the one you freaking pay lip service to. I know for a fact that you, along with the rest of your evil leaders of the Roman Catholic Church are going to be spending an eternity in hell fire. See Jesus Christ does love us children. What did he say? It would be better for you to put a rope around your neck and attach it to a boulder and throw it into the deepest lake than harm a hair on a child? That Jesus Christ loved children most of all. He hated the religious and the leaders of the religious. So what does that say for your future eternity as well as that of your leaders and rapist priests? Seems to me that you all are going to be burning for all eternity in hell for the harm you all caused us children….and continue to cause to this day.
I often wonder how you as a church leader or your papal bullshitter, whom you apologize for all the time, would handle one of the many insane nightmares I have had thanks to this perverted priest? I wonder how you would feel and react to nightmares where you would be gang raped by demons? Or put on a spit and roasted over a fire while the past Popes and leaders of the church dance in glee around your smoking and roasting flesh and then take turns raping you? Where the priest who raped you comes up, takes your penis, rips it off from your body and chews on it with so much relish it is abnormal? Where in these nightmares you actually really feel all of this pain, you really see all of this horror going around you.
After all of these nightmares I have had, I now know your future, but I honestly believe that you, along with the rest of the perverts and rapist of children’s minds, bodies and souls of the roman catholic church, will be the ones being roasted, having your body parts ripped from you and eaten and all the rapes from the demons, will be yours, just as it should be.
You all sicken me. You all disgust me. You are NOT a man of god nor do you truly know your lord and savior Jesus Christ. Yet I do, deep down inside of my heart and soul I know Jesus Christ….and trust me when I say….it sure the hell gonna suck to be your soul when you drop dead.
I had ran away from the foster home I was living at in March of 1975. I spent the night with a couple of friends whom I knew when I was growing up named Tammy and Pammy and the next afternoon the police picked me up and brought me to St Thomas More parish in Durham for the night until my social services case worker could get me a new place to live.
I remember it was still light outside and the priest bought me into the rectory and to his bedroom. I remember the bed, it had a large, dark stained headboard of solid wood, it was solid and had a curve on the top with two posts attached and the lower foot board was the same way only shorter and coming up to the top edge of the mattress. There was a dark wool blanket and two pillows. There were two night stands, one with a lamp and a window with a white curtains inside with a darker curtain outside. The priest told me that I was a bad person that running away from home and it was a sin in God’s eyes because I broke the commandment of honoring my mother and father. He told me that I would have to do what he said to remove the sin from my life and save my soul from eternal damnation for breaking one of the ten commandments.
He took off his clothes and made me take off mine. I remember he had a slight paunch belly that was covered in sort of both gray and brown hair. He had me lay on the bed and he started masturbating me. I begged him to stop but he told me that I had to pay for my sins and this was the way God wanted me to pay for it. Once I was erect, which was disgusting to me, he then proceeded to give me oral sex. I remember the whole time he did it I was crying and begging him to stop but he kept on doing it and I felt so ashamed. I could not will my body to stop from even having an erection and I felt incredibly ashamed when I did ejaculate in his mouth. I really started to cry then and thought it was now over but he then told me I had to do to him just as he did to me. He told me what he had done was taken the sin from me and now to be cleansed of my sin, I had to take what he called his sacred sacrament. I begged him to not make me do it, but he then asked me if I wanted to spend an eternity in hell because if I did not do to him what he just did to me and take his sacred sacrament then that is where I was going to go.
I remember he had a small penis and even though I was disgusted, I did not want to go to hell like he told me. I closed my eyes, crying all the time and did what he told me to do. I remember I did try to bite him but he told me if I did that again he would punish me severely. It did not take long, maybe two or three minutes until he ejaculated into my mouth and he told me not to spit it out but to swallow it. I remember right after I swallowed it I threw up into a wastebasket he had besides the bed. He then told me that there was a second step to saving my soul for disobeying and breaking gods commandment for dishonoring and disobeying my parents by running away. He then went to the bathroom and got a jar of vaseline. He first made me perform oral sex on him again to make him erect then he put some vaseline on his penis and made me get on my knees and then bend over. I could feel him put some of the vaseline on my anus and then he penetrated me. He made me say the Our Father and the Hail Mary while he was raping me. It took him a while but I could tell he ejaculated into me. He then made me go to the bathroom and clean myself up. He threw me this dark robe and made me put it on and made me go back to his bed and then he laid next to me and “spooned” with me.
I remember laying there, scared out of my wits. I pretended I was asleep but he reached around and again started playing with my penis. He masturbated me again and then told me if I ever told anyone what happened then I would burn in hell for it. He said the reason I was not to tell anyone is because this was what God wanted and he was a man of God and that I must never reveal the healing I received by taking his sacred sacrament into me. He said this had to be done because I disobeyed god and again broke his commandment for dishonoring my parents. He again told me to never tell anyone or I would burn in hell. He kept saying that over and over again, drilling it into my head that if I told anyone that I
would burn in hell. I did not sleep at all that night. I laid there scared senseless and kept thinking to myself this must be what god wanted of me for punishment and I had to do exactly what the priest told me to do or I would spend an eternity in hell.
The next day my social worker picked me up but I was so scared to tell her what happened because I honestly believed if I did, then I would go to hell. I also believed she would not believe me at all. It would have been my word, a person considered now a juvenile delinquent against the word of a priest. She knew something was wrong but from what she said, she thought it was because I had ran away from the foster home and was worried I would now have to go to jail, but she brought me to the Teen Haven shelter in Rochester NH.
Right after this I became a pyromaniac. I believe it was because of the nightmares I was having about my burning in hell. I set fire to the woods out behind the high school in Rochester, I burned down a house in Madbury but then I got into severe trouble by burning a truck in downtown Rochester. I got arrested for it the next day and was sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford N.H.
One of the major problems with priest rape victims is our ability to trust. As I stated before, I grew up in the Roman Catholic Church. To me a priest, nun or any other official of the RCC were god to us. It was as if god himself was talking to us through them. You also obeyed these priests, nuns and church leaders without question or backtalk. They wanted you to do something you did it immediately without question. If you argued with the priest or the nun, then you normally found out even when they were wrong, you just allowed them to be right if you know what I mean.
Because of this, I was truly unable to trust anyone, especially in any relationship I found myself into. With the mother of my first son, she was incredibly abusive. That is something else I have learned in therapy. We sort of attract these kinds of people into our lives because we believe these are the kinds of people we only deserve to have in our lives.
We broke up because she smashed me in the face with a cordless phone so hard she cracked the casing of the phone. I got up and slapped her in the face, the first time I had ever hit a woman in my whole life. I became totally distraught. That night was the end for us. After we broke up the nightmares started coming back from the priest. My life really started going to hell in a handbasket. The old tapes came back. I was evil. I deserved this. God hated me therefor I hated god. It was a viscous cycle of “evil” return. I deserved this because the priest called me an evil child, a child of the devil. That I disobeyed god’s commandments about my parents and therefor for the rest of my life I would be punished for it.
December 17th, 1991 was one night in which I will never forget. The next day was my birthday. I missed my son so much. I had not seen him in months. His mother and maternal grandmother were making my life a living hell. I started drinking that morning almost as soon as I got up. I then went to take care of the guy I was working with who was a paraplegic. I stole all of his darvocets and some other pill I knew he used to stop the pain he was going through.
I went to a restaurant/bar to have what I believed would be my last meal. Fried shrimp, french fries and drank six Molsons. I ran into a friend outside the bar and we went to toke a joint. He told me he would stop by tomorrow and we would do something but I believe I told him that I would not be around after tomorrow, that this was my last night on earth and told him good bye.
On my walk home all the old evil tapes kept running in my head. I was actually looking for a reason for me to continue living but I couldn’t. I came to the conclusion the priest was right all along. I was evil, a child of the devil. No matter what I did to correct this, I would always be evil. I would always lose what I love the most and my son to me was my life, my will to live. It finally came to me that he would never be in my life because god did not want my evil in his life.
I got home and I lined up all the pills. I also poured me a shot of Crown Royal. I remember taking each pill. I looked at each of them before I popped them into my mouth. I would tell each pill to do their work. I remember taking almost all of them. I drank another shot and waited for the pills to take their effect. About a half an hour later I started taking the last ones I had because I had not gone to sleep yet. All of a sudden I heard a knock on the door and it was two police officers. My friend had called the cops because he was worried about me. I saw the cops and I walked over, took down the picture of my son and ran into what would have been his bedroom. I know I was sitting there crying my eyes out hugging the picture screaming how I wanted to just be allowed to die. That I was evil and I did not deserve to live. The police were incredible though. They waited til I semi-passed out, picked me up and bought me down to the waiting ambulance. I remember they had to walk me down the steps because the gurney would not fit up the stairs. As I was laid down on the gurney I remember looking up and seeing the mother of my sons police officer uncle and I thought he was laughing at me being a failure.
I woke up in the ICU. My stomach had been pumped out from all the pills I had swallowed. When I talked to the psychiatrist I did not tell him that what happened with priest was more the catalyst for what I had done than anything else, but I just told him this was all about my son. They gave me a choice. Either I check myself in or they would do what is called a Baker Act on me so I checked myself in because then I could check myself out whenever I wished to. I stayed til almost new years in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I knew the whole time as soon as they let me out I would do my best to kill myself again. I played their game just so they would let me out.
About three days after they let me out I purchased a whole bunch of Valiums. I bought 10 val 10 grams and 3 val 15 mg. I also bought a pint of smirnoffs 100 proof vodka. I bought a small bag of pot too. I went to the store across the street and bought me my last dinner. I made me a meat loaf but did not eat it. I had already drank the pint of vodka and went and bought another pint. I then got home, took out a highball glass, put all the Valiums into the glass and poured vodka over it, letting it dissolve all the pills. I then drank it down in one drink. There was a little sediment left in the glass so I poured some more vodka into it, swirled it around and drank it down.
It did not take long for it to start to take effect. Yet there was a knock on my door. This time it was Angie, a female friend of mine. I do not remember much from that night, except for what she told me about a week later.
She told me she felt she urgently needed to come to my place, that something was terribly wrong. She said when she got to my place, I was almost gone then. She said I was crying and screaming how evil I was and how I just wanted to die. She told me I talked about the priest, how he was right and I was a child of the devil. That no matter what my life was going to be crap so just let me die. When she bought up my son as the biggest reason to live, she told me that he was not my son cause the devil would not have such a good son as he was.
She told me I passed out numerous times, but she would bring me to the shower, turn it on ice cold and toss me in. At one point I got so angry with her interference that I slammed my head on the coffee table as hard as I could so apparently I could split my head open. She said I ran to the kitchen to get a knife but she knocked it out of my hand.
The next day I woke up on the couch, still alive. Angie was gone.
To this day I still cannot understand why I am still alive. I should be dead. The first pill suicide episode should have killed me but it did not. The second should have definitely killed me, but Angie the Angel showed up. Many other times I have attempted suicide should have killed me but did not. I remember one time attempting to hang myself and the damn rope breaking.
Why am I still here? I have come to realize that it is because I must be here. I must stand up and take back the life this priest stole from me. That I must learn that what this priest drilled into my young head is an out and out lie. I am NOT EVIL, I am NOT a child of the devil. This priest put that into my head and it does not belong there.
The way I look at it now is, these perverted priests do this so we victims would in fact eventually kill ourselves. They in effect are murderers in my book. Any of their victims commit suicide because of these perverted priests actions are just as guilty of murder as if they pulled the trigger or fed the pills to their victims themselves. So is the Papal Bullshitter, his High Unholiness the Pope and all those who covered this up. All of these victims deaths are on your hands, heads and souls. YOUR actions killed these people.
I am one of the lucky ones. By all rights I should be dead. My life was saved for some reason. No, to me it was not god, jesus christ or any of that bullshit that saved my life. It was the Universe and the Gods and Goddesses of Old. It was my Godmother who continues to watch over me from the other side. I am here for a reason. To take back my life, to take back my soul, to take back my mind and heart, from this evil priest, his perverted bosses and most especially to reclaim that which was stolen from me from this perverted church and it’s leaders.
His Unholiness, the Papal Bullshitter, Pope Benedict, said he wanted to do all he could to make sure the church took care of us victims. Yet he is full of shit plain and simple. He is more concerned with protecting his own damn ass and the church than he ever was protecting children from the perverted priests he has running his churches.
By his own damn words he convicts himself as one of the true perverts of the Roman Catholic Church. I am copying this report directly from http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/popersquos-child-porn-normal-claim-sparks-outrage-among-victims-15035449.html#ixzz1p7tlkhj3 and I am going to make comments as the sections go.
Victims of clerical sex abuse have reacted furiously to Pope Benedict’s claim yesterday that paedophilia wasn’t considered an “absolute evil” as recently as the 1970s.
In his traditional Christmas address yesterday to cardinals and officials working in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI also claimed that child pornography was increasingly considered “normal” by society.
How dare you, you sick and disgusting pervert leader of the Roman Catholic Church to claim that child pornography was considered “normal” by society. Which freaking society are YOU living in you sick and twisted pervert? I don’t know about you, but in the United States of America, you possess child pornography, YOU GO TO PRISON FOR IT, so is that normal to YOU, your Unholiness?
“In the 1970s, paedophilia was theorised as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the Pope said.
This just goes to show this pope more than likely molested children himself. He protects his child molesting priests, so what makes me think, with his reasoning and his words, that he himself does not molest children? How in the hell can he even call himself a man of god when he agrees that child porn and sex between an adult and children as normal and in full conformity? You are one sick and twisted individual Pope to be saying this crap out of your pie hole.
The Pope said abuse revelations in 2010 reached “an unimaginable dimension” which brought “humiliation” on the Church.
The ONLY humiliation that has been bought on the church is us victims. You could give two shits less about the victims, your Unholiness. You only care about protecting your ass, the asses of your pedophile priests and the billions the church has. You do not care one iota about us victims of your sick and twisted priests.
Asking how abuse exploded within the Church, the Pontiff called on senior clerics “to repair as much as possible the injustices that occurred” and to help victims heal through a better presentation of the Christian message.
First off how did this abuse explode within the church? Because the leaders knew about it and they freaking hid it. When they knew a priest was sexually abusing a child, what did they do? Did they turn them into the police department for prosecution like they should have? NO. Did they defrock the priest? NO. Did they bend over backwards to help the victim? HELL NO. What they did, these marvelous church leaders, including the present perverted Papal Bullshitter Benedict, was transfer these priests to other parishes so they could continue raping and molesting other children.
The leaders fought any and all attempts to bring this to light and they did everything they could to avoid prosecution of these priests and the leaders who covered it all up. They still are doing this. Yeah for about one year when this really broke out, they worked with the victims, mostly offering them as recompense for the horrors we went through, to pay for therapy and if the victim was lucky, they got about 20 grand for their ruined lives.
N.H. is a prime example of this. There was a Bishop named McConnell who actually cared about the victims and did what he could for them. Yet the Pope and all the other officials hate these kinds of Bishops. They want them to settle with the victims as little as possible.
Yet what price do you put on the pain and suffering we victims have been through?
I know what I am demanding. $25,000.00 per year for pain and suffering for 37 years of horror and nightmares, For all the suicide attempts and my undying hatred towards the christians and the christian god. I am also demanding $15,000.00 per year for 34 years for lost wages. Plus they are going to pay my lawyers fees and any and all money paid back to Social Security and Medicaid/Medicare for all the money they spent thanks to my insanity caused by the priest raping me. I am also demanding that the Roman Catholic Church set up at least six half way houses for abused men. Abused women have all the help they can get, but abused men have no where to turn to for real help. Well the RCC is going to help me rectify this at least in the state of NH. Either they settle for what I want or I will take their sorry asses to court and let a jury award me ten times this amount.
What better presentation will be the christian message? That the Papal Bullshitter, his bishops and priests can get away with raping children, covering it up, torturing us victims with your false bullshit? I do not want to hear a better presentation of the Christian message because as far as I am concerned, your Christian message is that you are special in that you can rape children with no punishment at all and think your god and jesus christ can protect you and when you die you are going to spend an eternity in heaven???? Bullshit, Papal Bullshitter, you, your bishops and your perverted priests will burn in hell for what you did to us children.
“We cannot remain silent about the context of these times in which these events have come to light,” he said, citing the growth of child pornography “that seems in some way to be considered more and more normal by society” he said.
Standing on the swinging bridge with the noose around my neck I was thinking of reasons why I should not jump off the bridge. It was one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen and it would be my last thing I saw, so how could I not just jump and get it all over with.
See I was tired of life again. This would make the seventh serious attempt at ending my life since the priest raped me in 1975. I believed him. I believed I was evil and god did not want me any more. I remember when the priest was raping me I was begging and crying to god and jesus christ to make him stop. Maybe this priest was right. I deserved what I was getting from him. Ever since I told my friend at Austin Cate Academy what happened to me by this priest, I felt my whole life was doomed. Why should I continue to live? Why don’t I just end it and go to that hell the priest had consigned my soul so very long ago?
I threw my left leg over the rope railing of the bridge when someone screamed: It is not your time yet. I turned and there was this blond woman at the end of the bridge. She ran over and told me to talk to her. I did not want to, all I wanted to do was jump. Especially after she bought up the name of Jesus Christ. When she did that I got royal livid pissed at her and I started screaming at her how much I hated Jesus Christ and god and christians and religion. I let it all out. I took all of my pent up anger out on her. I thoroughly trashed her, her christian beliefs, and everything else.
She took everything I threw at her. She just kept on smiling. That just pissed me off even more. I really started to go overboard, trashing her again, I told her if I was a woman I would wipe that smile off of her face.
Then she said something that stunned me. She told me all the hate I had towards her and jesus christ, they had one hundred times more love for me. That really blew me away. I talked to her then. I stopped screaming at her. I even stopped hating her.
We talked for a while and then she left. She took the rope just in case. I left the Dolly Copp area that day and two days later contacted mental health and started therapy.
Yes, suicide seems to be the only option sometimes for my life. Yet I am still here. I am trying to figure out why. I still haven’t come up with an answer to it.
In March of 1975 I was bought to the St Thomas Moore parish in Durham NH by a police officer because I had ran away from an abusive foster home. That night the priest who was there destroyed my life. He raped me. Here I was, a 14 year old boy, scared out of his wits. This priest who was supposed to protect me, to keep me safe for one night, decided his perversions were more important to him than my soul and life.
He drilled into my head that night that I was getting what I deserved because I had broken one of the ten commandments of honoring my mother and father and that I needed to be healed from this evil. He decided the way he would heal me was through my performing oral sex on him, him performing oral sex on me and then performing anal sex on me. He kept telling me I had to take his sacred sacrament to be healed from my sin.
All the while he was raping me, he kept telling me over and over again that no one would believe me, that if I told anyone I would spend an eternity in hell and that I had to say the Our Father and Hail Mary over and over again.
All I have to say to this priest and the parishioners of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH, is that one day, all of you will have to answer to your own God. The priest for his raping me and the parishioners for standing up for their church. You parishioners cannot even begin to understand the pain and holy horror we victims of your sick, disgusting, perverted priests perpetrated upon us.
You all just wish this scandal would go away and us victims just crawl back under the rocks we have hidden under in fear.
Well I will NOT go away. I will continue to shove this horror your priest perpetrated upon me in your faces.
The Parishioner of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH are just as guilty as this priest and all the others who have covered up this incredible evil.
SPIRITUAL PEOPLE INSPIRE ME
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME
In my life and struggles dealing with my hatred of god, jesus christ and all things religious, I have found my own spiritual path. I have come to find there is a difference between the religious and the spiritual. The religious are all around us and we see and hear them screaming their hatreds against anyone and everyone who is not like them.
The three main religions in this world, Christianity, Muslim and Jewish have spilled more innocent blood than all the Pagan religions combined. Out of these three, Christianity is responsible for the slaughter of millions of innocent men, women and children throughout the centuries. The Inquisitions, the Crusades, the invasions of the North and South American continents, even the Black Plagues may be directly attributed to the Christian religious.
I came to hate the Christian God and Jesus Christ because they did not hear my cries of pain and grief as the priest from St Thomas Moore’s church in Durham New Hampshire raping me. I will admit afterwards I desecrated churches when I could. I would urinate and defecate on church steps and even did so inside one church during christmas eve services. I would spit on the cross and toss urine on it. I even joined Satanists for a while in my complete and utter rebellion against Christianity. As much as I once loved God and Jesus Christ and the church with all of my heart and soul, now I hated it ten times more.
I remember even at times I tried to come back to the church. I walked away each time in disgust. The religious truly controls these churches and the spiritual are told to conform to the gossip hours after mass during coffee and donate all your money and time. Then you find out the priests are just as much hypocrites as they always are and get caught in some kind of scandal.
I returned to Pagan roots. Not the quasi, fluffy bunny of the Neo Pagans and Wiccans, but taking the title of Wytche, I reconnected with the Mother Earth. I became a nature photographer and that is where I started seeing true beauty again. I am still on this path, a spiritual one and not a religious one.
I have sort of come half circle with my hatred and anger towards the Christian God and Jesus Christ. I will NEVER bow down my knee to this god if it is real. As for Jesus Christ, He has shown me that I need not hate Him for what this perverted priest and the religious have done in his name. I have come to realize that Jesus Christ was an incredible avatar and bringer of love, peace, forgiveness and hope. Jesus Christ knows I will never go back to the religion that bears his name. Yet I will take his lessons and use them for my life and combine them with my new found reverence for all life through learning from my hiking and nature photography.
I have actually come to the point of forgiving the priest who raped me. I need to see this man yet the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict and his ilk are doing everything they now can to sweep us victims under the rug again. From what my lawyer told me, they took the one Bishop and investigator who actually cared about the victims here in New Hampshire and shipped him off somewhere. We now have a new one and heaven knows what this one is all about. All I know is they are basically offering cheap assed settlements and we have to shut our mouths.
Well what price to you put on this kind of pain and suffering? What price do you put on the unholy horror that my life became thanks to this perverted priest and his bosses?
Pope Benedict, I insult you because to me you are no pope, let alone a man of God. You are evil in my book because you want to protect your stupid religion more than you want to truly admit that this is evil and truly do something about it. YOU Pope Benedict perpetuate this evil and I know through Jesus Christ that when our ends come, it is YOU who will spend an eternity in hell while I will not. See I have already done my time in hell, thanks to your priest. I see heaven in my afterlife.