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A MESSAGE TO “FATHER” LEON GAULIN, ST THOMAS MORE PARISH IN DURHAM NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH


A MESSAGE TO “FATHER” LEON GAULIN, ST THOMAS MORE PARISH IN DURHAM NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH

Hey Leon, you pedophile psycho!!! How has been your life you disgusting piece of shit? Oh I know how your life has been. The investigator for Peter Hutchins told me quite a bit about your sorry ass.

Gee…like I know, unlike myself, you never missed one single meal, or had to worry where your next meal came from. Myself? Sometimes I had to dive into dumpsters and eat canned cat food.

I know how you NEVER had to worry about a roof over your head. While I have slept under bridges, houses, in parks, being homeless sometimes for months at a time.

We’re your dreams sweet Leon? Did you ever dream or have a nightmare about what you and the others did to me that night? I know now there were others with you Leon. I know why you gave me that drink of water. Funny how I do not remember pretty much anything after that…but I know something more horrifying happened to me at the hands of you and other priests that night. Did you dedicate me to the service of Satan? Did you sacrifice my soul on your altar? Is that why I felt I was a demon afterwards, so much so that I took the name of Damien from The Omen movies as my name? Why Leon, does Desmonds name stick in my head? Was he there? Did he rape me too along with a few others? I remember Desmond from St Charles. So tell me Leon, did you all seriously have to destroy everything about me that night? Do you feel proud of all the pain, suffering, horror that you brought and caused in my life?

As for myself Leon, I wish you could experience some of my nightmares, where I am in hell, being gang-raped by priests, and the very demons of hell. Typically Leon they end with you. See you now have the face of a demon, but I know it is you. You come over, rip off my dick and eat it. I feel EVERYTHING in these nightmares Leon. I sure wish you could experience them like I do.

WE KNOW YOU DID IT LEON GAULIN…WE KNOW IT. I KNOW WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL YOU RAPED ME, THAT EVERYTHING I SAID YOU DID TO ME THAT NIGHT, THAT NIGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME SAFE FROM HARM, THAT YOU FORCED ME INTO DOING THINGS THROUGH YOUR FUCKING PERVERSE USE OF YOUR PSYCHOTIC RELIGION. YOU RAPED ME LEON GAULIN, YOU SUCKED MY DICK TO SUCK THE DEMON OUT OF ME, YOU FORCED ME TO SUCK YOUR DICK TO TAKE YOUR SACRED SACRAMENT AND THEN YOU RAPED ME ANALLY WHILE FORCING ME TO DO PENNANCE WHILE YOU THREATENED ME WITH THE FIRES OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY IF I TOLD ANYONE ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL HEALINGS.

YOU PROVED YOUR DAMN GUILT THE MOMENT YOU DISCONNECTED YOUR PHONE AND PUT YOUR HOUSE UP FOR SALE IN MAINE AND LEFT FOR FLORIDA WITH YOUR HUSBAND, ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER THE INVESTIGATOR SAW YOU.

Here is my whole point of this Leon Gaulin and St Thomas More parish and all of you there, and to the Unholy Roman Catholic Church of Pedophiles along with that nasty, disgusting Bill Pig Face Donohue of the Catholic League.

ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CAUSED ME? I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE!!! I DON’T WANT THE NIGHTMARES, I DON’T WANT ALL THIS EVIL YOU HAVE BROUGHT TO ME AND SCREWED MY LIFE WITH. I AM NOT THE DEMON, I AM NOT THE SATAN, I AM NOT THE ONE WHO WILL BE BOUND TO YOUR HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. NO, NO MORE YOU LOW LIVES….NO MORE YOU SCUM….NO MORE YOU PEDOPILES, YOU DEFENDERS OF PEDOPHILES AND YOU WHO DARE CALL THEM HOLY MEN OF GOD!!!! NO MORE DO YOU FREAKING UNDERSTAND ME!!!

ALL OF THIS, ALL OF THIS EVIL YOU BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE, ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALL OF THIS TORMENT, ALL OF IT…..NOW BELONGS TO YOU LEON GAULIN, TO YOU THE OTHER PRIESTS OF ST THOMAS MORE WHO PARTICIPATED IN MY RAPE, ALL OF YOU PARISHIONERS OF THAT PARISH WHO STAND UP AND DEFEND THEM, ALL OF YOU PEDOPHILE PIMPS, LIKE CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN, ET AL, AND YOU BILL DONOHUE OF THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE….ALL OF THIS IS NOW YOURS!!!!

YOU WILL ALL NOW SUFFER JUST LIKE I HAVE BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS AGAINST ME. YOU ALL WILL NOW RECEIVE ALL THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING YOU CAUSED ME IN YOUR LIVES. ALL OF IT…..AND ALL THAT GOOD YOU ALL GET? THE BEING FED, HOUSED AND NEVER HAVING TO WORRY AGAIN ABOUT THOSE THINGS? NOW COME TO ME.

ALL OF THIS EVIL NOW RETURNS TO YOU ALL A HUNDRED FOLD. A THOUSAND FOLD. YOU ALL WILL NOW SUFFER THE NIGHTMARES I HAVE. YOU ALL WILL NOW SUFFER THE GUILT, THE PAIN AND THE EVIL I HAVE….IT NOW ALL BELONGS TO YOU. IT NOW ALL BELONGS ON YOUR HEADS, ON YOUR HEARTS IN YOUR SOULESS BODIES.

I CURSE AND CONDEMN YOU ALL, UNDER THE POWER OF RIGHT AND GOOD AND BEAUTY!!! I CURSE ALL OF YOU FOR STEALING MY LIFE AND GIVING ME ONE OF INCREDIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING. I CURSE ALL OF YOU WITH THE VERY SAME THINGS YOU ALL DID TO ME. ALL OF THIS EVIL IS NOW YOURS…A HUNDRED FOLD, A THOUSAND FOLD…AND IT IS NO LONGER MINE. I REFUSE IT, I REJECT IT, I SEND IT ALL YOUR WAY, NEVER TO RETURN TO ME EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE OR ANY OTHER.

YOU ALL STAND CONDEMEND…BY THE POWER OF LIGHT AND RIGHT…..YOU ALL STAND CONDEMEND BY MY OWN POWER OF BEING MY OWN GOD!!!! I SEND THIS TO ALL OF YOU, TO YOU LEON GAULIN AND TO YOUR DISGUSTING PRIESTLY PSYCHOPATHS WHO RAPED ME THAT NIGHT. I SEND THIS TO THE ARCHBISHOP OF MANCHESTER…FOR DENYING ME MY RIGHT TO JUSTICE. I SEND THIS TO THEIR LAWYER….WHO USED A DISGUSTING LAW TO AVOID PAYING FOR THE CRIMES OF RAPE AND TORTURE AGAINST ME. I SEND THIS TO BILL DONOHUE AND CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN AND ALL THE REST OF THE PEDOPHILE PIMPS OF THE UNHOLY CHURCH, WHO KNOWINGLY COVERED UP THESE CRIMES AND PROTECTED AND DEFENDED THE RAPIST OVER US.

I RETURN ALL OF THIS EVIL TO YOU ALL, A HUNDRED FOLD, A THOUSAND FOLD, FOR IT IS JUST AND RIGHT FOR ALL THE LIVES YOU HAVE  RUINED. FOR ALL THE CHILDREN RAPED, BEATEN, BRUTALIZED, FOR ALL THOSE YOU MURDERED, THROUGH YOUR FOUL DEEDS AND CRIMES. FOR ALL THE VICTIMS OF SUICIDE WHO KILLED THEMSELVES BECAUSE OF YOUR CHURCHES DISGUSTING ACTIONS I CONDEMN YOU ALL.

YOU STAND CONDEMEND BY THE LIGHT AND THE POWER OF A GOD YOU HAVE NO CLUE OR UNDERSTANDING OF. FOR I AM THAT GOD, AS ALL OF US ARE, AND I STAND IN THE LIGHT, NOT THE DARKNESS AS YOU DO AND I CONDEMN YOU ALL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO HUMANITY AND THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD!!!!

YOU STAND CONDEMNED, UNTIL YOU ADMIT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND YOU PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!!!! OR WHEN YOU DIE? YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT HELL IS REAL AND THAT IS WHERE YOUR SOULS WILL BE UNTIL YOU ADMIT THERE WHAT YOU DID WRONG AND PAY FOR IT. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOUR SOULS BE RELEASED FROM THIS CURSE, THIS CONDEMNATION OF ALL OF YOU.

FOR I AM THE LIGHT, I AM NOT THE EVIL YOU ALL ARE….AND I NO LONGER ACCEPT YOUR JUDGEMENT OF MY BEING SO. I THROW THIS BACK AT ALL OF YOU, WITH POWER AND MIGHT AND LIGHT THAT NONE OF YOU CAN EVER OVERCOME OR DEFEAT. FOR YOU ARE CURSED BY THIS LIGHT, BY THIS POWER BECAUSE OF YOUR EVIL AGAINST CHILDREN AND AGAINST MANKIND. YOU ARE JUDGED EVIL BY THIS LIGHT AND AS SUCH, YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR EVILS AGAINST THE WORLD.

YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS. THIS BELONGS TO ALL OF YOU AS YOUR KARMA. FOR AS YOU SOW….SO SHALL YOU REAP.

YOU SOWED HORROR, YOU SOWED PAIN AND SUFFERING, TO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF US AS CHILDREN AND TEENS AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO REAP WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN. NOW IT IS TIME, FOR ALL OF THIS HORROR, ALL OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING OF MILLIONS FALL ONTO YOUR SHOULDERS. ONTO YOUR HEADS AND INTO YOUR LIVES.

SO BE PREPARED LEON GAULIN AND ALL THE REST. CAUSE HELL IS COMING FOR YOU. PAIN AND SUFFERING WILL BE YOUR LOT. YOU ALL WILL LOSE EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR….JUST LIKE YOU ALL DID TO US. YOU ALL WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST US. YOU WILL KNOW THIS WITH A FRIGHTENED HEART AND YOUR DEAD SOULS WILL KNOW IT TOO. YOU KNOW IT NOW.

SO ONE MORE TIME…..

ALL THE EVIL THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME, ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING, ALL THE HORROR, ALL THE NIGHTMARES, AND THAT OF THE MILLIONS OF OTHERS SO HARMED BY YOUR DISGUSTING PEDOPHILES…..NOW LEAVES ME AND MY LIFE AND THEIR LIVES AND COMES TO YOURS LEON GAULIN, AND ALL THE REST OF YOU. FOR IT  IS NO LONGER MINE OR THEIRS….BUT YOURS.

SO MOTE IT IS….SO MOTE IT BE!!!!

Words have the power to heal, and the power to destroy and kill


This will more than likely be my last posting for this blog, Rape Victims of the Catholic Church.

Words have the power to heal, and they have the power to destroy and kill, and all the words thrown at me, by leaders, parishioners and others, for my speaking out about my priest rape, at the hands of Father Leon Gaulin at St Thomas More parish in Durham, and for demanding justice for not only that, but for all the others, who also went through the living hell that I did. For demanding all credibly accused Popes, Cardinals, Bishops and Archbishops who covered up these crimes, be arrested and prosecuted for their crimes, and for all the other victims, who went through such Roman Catholic horrors as their Magdalene and Good Shepherd Laundries, their Industrial Homes, their Women’s and Children Homes, and their Native American Children’s homes, or about all the suicide victims of this evil, about ten thousand of us, have either blown our brains out, hung ourselves, or taken drug overdoses, or killed ourselves in other ways and I dare state that any victim who killed themselves because of this..was in fact murdered by the Church…because if they had NOT been raped and brutalized in the first place, and then treated as the evil ones, the criminals, the seducers of priests et cetera, they would NOT have killed themselves….have finished their job and destroyed me.

I have been threatened with murder, that because I speak out, people want to take me out and murder me for it.
I have been told that I did not try to kill myself too hard and I should keep trying until I finally am successful.
I have been deemed an abomination, a homosexual, because I did not punch Leon Gaulin in the face when he was raping me. Because I did not punch him, that meant I not only wanted to be raped, I loved being raped and I am a homosexual because of it.
I have been told I seduced my rapist priest.
I have been branded a lair, a gold digger out looking for a payday from the Catholic Church.
I have been told I am an Anti-Catholic hater and bigot for speaking out.

When my lawyer, Peter Hutchins and I had our investigative interview with the Manchester Diocese lawyer and investigators, I was again branded as a liar.

I told them a Somersworth Police Officer brought me to the church. I know a police officer brought me there…I know it…I can still see him in my mind, his dark uniform and his rounded hat. I can still see him standing in front of Gaulin in the lobby talking to him. I know it was a cop who brought me there…but because Somersworth Police do not drive over city limits…well then I was a liar.

I told them I had NEVER gone inside of the chapel itself. I was in the lobby first, then we went through a doorway, turned left, and then went down the hall a little ways and turned right into a bedroom. I described the bedroom, the bed, with it’s dark wool blanket, the two dark head and foot boards. I described the dark curtains in front of the window. I told them about the two nightstands and how one of them, on the left, had a small waste basket in front of it. I described the colors of the walls as block painted white. I told them again, when they asked me, if I had ever been inside of the church and I stated again NO. That I had ONLY seen the outside of the church when going by it as a kid and I seem to remeber it was red brick on the outside of the chapel of the church.

I was branded a liar again, being told the chapel was RED TILED!!!

We filed suit against them and they had the suit dismissed through using the Statue of Limitations against us, when we filed a motion for the file of Gaulin and the blueprints of the place.

What was interesting in all of this? My lawyer sent his investigator to talk to Gaulin as he was living in Maine. Not two days after the investigator talked to him, Gaulin disconnected his phone, put his house up for sale and left for Florida with his husband, where they are safe. They have enjoyed their lives. without want, without need. They had roofs over their heads, their bellies full of food, all they could ever hope for apparently, rich from their real estate company.

WHILE  I LIVED A LIFE OF LIVING AND COMPLETE HORROR AND HELL. I THOUGHT I WAS THE EVIL ONE, THAT I WAS THE ANTI-CHRIST!!! SO MUCH SO I TOOK THE NAME DAMIEN FROM THE OMEN SERIES AS MY NAME.

I WAS HOMELESS, LIVING EACH DAY, BARELY SURVIVING. LIVING UNDER HOUSES AND BRIDGES AND ABANDONED HOUSES. DIVING INTO DUMPSTERS JUST TO GET FOOD. I WOULD STEAL BECAUSE BY THEN, THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I KNEW HOW TO SURVIVE AND I ALSO PAID FOR THOSE CRIMES.

I WAS RAPED AGAIN, PICKED UP BY SOME FREAK HITCHIKING, WHO DRUGGED ME AND I WOKE UP TO HIM RAPING ME IN THE BACK OF HIS RV.

I WAS ALMOST RAPED A THIRD TIME…BUT THIS TIME DEFENDING MYSELF AND THEN BEING CHARGED FOR IT, BECAUSE THAT SCUM TOLD THE COPS I TRIED TO ROB HIM!!!

I LOST EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF THIS…EVERYTHING.

YES, WORDS HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL AND THEY HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY.

WHEN THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH HAD A CHANCE TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT….THEY DID NOT. THEY AGAIN, MADE FALSE PROMISES, THEY LIED TO THOSE INVESTIGATING THEM AND PROMISED TO ABIDE BY THE LAWS AND CHARTERS SET UP TO AVOID THEIR ARREST AND PROSECUTION, AND THEN ONCE THESE CHARTERS AND LAWS WERE SET UP, THEY BROKE THEM, BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD ANY INTENTIONS OF KEEPING THEIR WORDS IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEY JUST DID ALL THEY COULD TO AVOID ARREST AND PROSECUTION AND ONCE THEY WERE SAFE…THEY WENT AFTER US ABUSE VICTIMS…USING THAT DISGUSTING BILL DONOHUE OF THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE AS THEIR ATTACK DOG AGAINST US TO USE ADS AND TV TO UTTER VILE, EVIL, DISGUSTING THINGS AGAINST US, TO BLAME US FOR OUR RAPES, TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN, TO BLAME US, AND ACCEPT ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

THEY CONDEMNED US..AS LIARS, AS SEDUCERS OF OUR OWN RAPISTS, AS HOMOSEXUALS BECAUSE WE DID NOT PUNCH OUR RAPIST PRIEST IN THE FACE. THEY BRANDED US AS LIARS, GOLD DIGGERS OUT LOOKING FOR A PAYDAY FROM THEIR CHURCH….AND NO ONE REALLY STOOD UP FOR US, NOT EVEN POPE FRANCIS HAS YET TO CALL THEM ON THE CARPET FOR THEIR EVIL, NASTY, DISGUSTING ATTACKS AGAINST US!!!! HE HAS NOT EVEN OFFERED ONE WORD IN DEFENSE OF US AGAINST THESE ATTACKS, BUT REMAINS MUTE AND SILENT ON THEM. HE DOES NOT DEMAND THEY STOP THEIR ATTACKS AGAINST US…NOPE.

BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TRUST HIM? YEAH RIGHT….THAT WOULD BE LIKE A BLACK MAN OR WOMAN TRUSTING THE KKK OR JEWISH MEN OR WOMEN TRUSTING THE NAZI’S…BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY COMPARRISON I CAN EVEN THINK OF WHEN THEY DEMAND OF US TO TRUST THEM…

Well I have had it.

But I am not going to go and kill myself in some out of the way place. I am not going to kill myself where my voice will NEVER be heard because of  the reason why I killed myself.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan….you cried about YOUR unjust burderns and suffering that would happen to YOU if New York ended their One Year Statue of Limitations with the following:

Dolan also explained that he wanted to keep the statute of limitations for child sex abuse victims to one-year, because if the church gets sued, “The perpetrators don’t suffer. There’s no burden on them. What suffers are the services and the ministries of the apostolates that we’re doing now. Because where does the money come from? So the bishops of 30 years ago that allegedly may have reassigned abusers, they don’t suffer. They’re dead. So the people that suffer are those who are being served right now by the church. We feel that’s a terribly unjust burden.”

Well then Dolan…YOU WILL SEE WHAT REAL TERRIBLE, UNJUST BURDENS I HAVE CARRIED BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS, YOUR WORDS AND THE WORDS OF YOUR ATTACK DOG BILL DONOHUE AGAINST US…OH AND DO NOT WORRY YOU HOLY MAN OF GOD….I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTIONS OF HARMING YOU OR DONOHUE…BUT YOU WILL WITNESS THE HARM YOU AND OTHERS OF YOUR CHURCH HAVE DONE TO ME.

SO CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN…YOU WISH FOR ME TO JUST KILL MYSELF SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO HEAR MY VOICE AGAIN? YOUR BUDDY BILL WANTS THE SAME? WELL OK….IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT….THEN THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL GET!!

BUT YOU WILL IN FACT WITNESS MY SUICIDE…RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES…SO BEFORE I DIE….YOU CAN LOOK INTO THEM…INTO MY EYES…AND WITNESS THE HORROR THERE, TO SEE THE TERRIBLE, UNJUST BURDEN YOUR PRIEST AND YOUR CHURCH HAS DONE TO ME….AND I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT LOOK IN MY EYES…BEFORE I TURN THEM OFF…AND I HOPE THAT STAYS WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE….THAT MY EYES, MY DEAD, SOULESS EYES, MY EYES OF PAIN AND SUFFERING, MY EYES OF THAT TERRIBLE UNJUST BURDEN, I HAVE CARRIED FOR OH SO LONG…..WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

SO BE READY CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN….YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I DARE HAVE THE GUTS TO STAND UP TO YOU AND THE OTHERS AND YOU WANT ME TO SHUT MY MOUTH? WELL SOON, CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN…VERY, VERY SOON….YOU WILL GET YOUR WISH…

I GOT SOME GOODBYES FIRST TO SAY…TO THOSE WHO DID LOVE ME, TO THOSE WHO DID ALL THEY COULD, WITH WORDS OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, TO HELP ME…AND ONCE THAT IS DONE…CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN….YOU WILL SEE ME…BUT FEAR NOT CARDINAL…NO HARM WILL BE BROUGHT TO YOU…I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO WISH TO HARM YOU PHYSICALLY…I HAVE NO PLANS TO ATTACK YOU…CAUSE CONTRARY TO YOUR OPINION OF ME….I DO NOT GO OUT AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE CLAIMED I AM….

BUT I WANT YOU…TO LOOK INTO MY HORRIFIED EYES…MY EYES THAT CARRY THIS INCREDIBLY EVIL, UJUST BURDEN…RIGHT BEFORE I DIE.

A Priest Rape Survivor told to count his blessings…ok.


I was told by a few Christians that instead of being pissed off at God and Jesus for all the wrongs done to me by those claiming to be followers of theirs, to count my blessings. The gist goes…If I count my blessings and then count the wrongs…the blessings will far rise above the wrongs.

So I took a few days to ponder this weighty question. Here is my answer:

First let me quantify something here. Even though I hate God and Jesus….it is NOT the kind of God and Jesus I read about and believe in somewhere deep down inside of me…it is the ones those whom Jesus said of: “For many shall call themselves by my name, but their hearts and minds are far from my teachings.”…that I do NOT accept nor will I EVER bow my knee down to. I do love the teachings of Jesus Christ.as I do all great teachers of peace, love, hope, charity..though I do have a problem with some of them, I believe it is those teachings in the bible that ring wrong with me…that were changed by Constantine and the council of hackers whom produced the first bible for use. So I do not really pay attention to them.

But what gets me about this story of this guy named Jesus…without all the extraneous bullshit…like the virgin birth, etc…was his core principle teaching and commandments (with my own revision because I truly believe that the original Hebrew translation…which was in the first King James but subsequently taken out stated: We made them in our image, male and female we made them like unto us. This would mean that there HAS to be a male and a female God…for a male God cannot make a female…it is not in his likeness, nor can a female God make a male…it is not in her likeness):

Love the Lord your God and Goddess with all of your heart and soul, and the second is like it…love your neighbor as you do yourself. On these two commands should hang all the laws.

Yet I am going to combine in judging my list here of the blessings and wrongs by both standards…mine and what these Christians tell me their God and Jesus are all about. I am going to use the bible too as a guide and what it says to make my list.

So here goes.

BLESSINGS:
1. My two sons top this list. Joshua and Austin are my most important blessings. Even though they were taken away from me by their cruel mothers and an evil system designed to destroy fathers for the sake of a buck….the two biggest blessings in my life are Joshua Michael LaFerriere-Fifer and Austin LaFerriere. There is a LOT of things I would have changed…but the birth of my two beautiful sons….nope.

2. My loving and caring “family” and friends. I have a lot of brothers and sisters from other mothers. They are much more blood to me than my own blood relations. Most of them are also survivors of the evil that I too went through. Most of them were raped, beaten, abused, by either a religious person or a supposedly loving family member. We all have survived some of the worst horrors, some of the most brutal degradations done to a child or a teenager. Yet we have somehow survived without becoming the evil that has tried it’s hardest to destroy us. We are good, kind, loving souls with generous hearts. We love each other because we have experienced the same things in life. We survived through horrendous ordeals to come to the point we are today, and we offer each other things that NO ONE has EVER offered us in our lives before…true love, without exception or condition….not based on a perverted, evil concept of love…if you want to call what these people did to us love…..we offer each other support and acceptance….and we stand tall together…when one of us is falling into another Dark Night of the Soul…where we feel no hope.

My true friends and family are a blessing to me.

3. My love and my skills as a nature photographer are a blessing to me. The fact that I can wander around in a forest, taking pictures of all the beauty I see around me, and then able to share it…well that is a blessing to me. The reality to me, that I can go anywhere in a forest and not feel fear of it? That I have admired the stars far too long to be afraid of the dark? To be able to say that I am NOT an evil person because I have actually had wildlife come right up to me and let me pet them? Or take pics of them? Yeah if I were evil….then they would NOT come near me. One thing I have learned from tramping in the woods and being around peoples pets…animals can tell when someone is evil…VERY RARELY have I EVER had an animal react strangely around me…or in fear of me…and that was more dogs whom were abused and are afraid of EVERYONE.

But my photography also blesses me because it brings me incredible peace and joy. In the forest I have no real fear…except for humans…so through my photography and being outdoors…it is a blessing.

4.  Music. Next to my photography, music to me is a blessing.

5. That I am even alive is a blessing. I think about all the times I should be dead. From almost drowning because of my stupidity at Bow Lake when I was 16, to that murdering rapist whom picked me up and drugged me and I woke up to raping me in the back of his RV, to my dedicated drug overdoses, especially when I dissolved all those pills in that glass of vodka, drank it….if it were not for that girl showing up that night…and knowing what to do….I would be dead. Or the other suicide attempts where I should be dead? The fact that I am still even alive…is sort of a blessing one would say. They would say I am here for a reason…if I tried to kill myself like this or survived these things….but hey…..look into the curse section too lol.

Well that is about all I can really think of for blessings. I mean hey…I am really trying…you know…even though I do go starving at least I do eat….or even though I am homeless…I have a friend whom is letting me crash on her couch til next week…but I cannot stay any longer as it would NOT be fair to her….it is my responsibility and if I cannot afford to live in my own place…then I gotta go live in my tent until I do. The biggest problem is security deposits…and anyone whom knows me…thinks that Catholic Charities is going to help me? After what I say about their Pedophile Pimps? Not in this lifetime.

Now honestly lets look at the negatives:

CURSES:

1. Even though my sons are the greatest blessings in my life….their mothers have been the greatest curses of my life. To have done to me what was done to me at the hands of their mothers…should be illegal. To have done to me what was done to me by Holly Hepp of the CPS in Ohio…she should be in prison for the rest of her life so she can never harm another father or their children ever again. Yet I am made out to be the one whom is wrong, the one to blame, the evil one, the one whom would rape his own sons or abuse them as Holly Hepp said to me.

No one can seem to understand the Catch-22 I am in here with my soul over this..as well as my life. Sure with Josh I got to be with him maybe a total of two months after his birth, but with Austin, hell I haven’t even been able to tell him I love him. Not even kiss him. Nothing. So here it is…I think about them and it destroys me. So I try to put them out of my mind to retain my sanity and it is even more of a curse on me…because what kind of father am I to not want to think about my sons? I love looking at their pictures, they bring me joy, but they also bring me incredible pain, because of all the loss…and then I hide the pic for a while so I do not have to look at them and then again condemn myself for it because…what kind of loving, caring father does this?

2. I guess I am supposed to consider being raped by a priest, to have my soul destroyed and taken from me and all the living hell I went through and been through because of it…and because of now standing up about it and demanding the Pedophile Pimps…hell anyone whom participated in these evils against us…be put where they belong…in prison….is a BLESSING? OK about the ONLY blessing I can consider coming from this is the fact I made some beautiful friends and family from it. Otherwise ANYONE whom got raped by a priest…or by any pastor, minister or supposed Holy Person…..would consider it a curse and evil and a HUGE NEGATIVE.

3. How about that scumbag whom picked me up hitch-hiking and drugged and raped me? Nope…I sure would NOT consider that a blessing…even in disguise!! Why did you NOT just kill me that day and get it done and over with?

4. The last scumbag, whom picked me up hitch-hiking….showed me those gay books, would NOT take no for an answer…drove down the dirt road before the Gloucester bridge and in MY MIND I was about to be raped again when he pulled out his knife. Well I guess being arrested when I flagged down that cop car and told him what happened, and the scumbag jerk being in the back seat of that car, and then pressing charges against me for assault with a deadly weapon, attempted armed robbery etc…well that is supposed to be a blessing too?

5.  My blood family turning their backs on me. Ok let me get this straight. Was I a problem kid? Freaking right I was. Did I steal cigs from my parents to smoke? Yuppers. Did I steal a check from my dad, cash it, bought a carton of cigs? Yuppers. I believe those were really my worse crimes. Yeah I skipped school….but hey….ya know? Did I steal porn mags from the local book store and sell them to my friends? Guilty! I wonder how many of us actually did this as kids? I know at least my older brother used to steal cigs and drink and smoke dope…but hey that was him…..the freaking hypocrite…and oh yeah…he did have a chance to get his girlfriend knocked up at such a young age….but hey I don’t have all the facts to judge him…but even though he does not have all the facts…he can judge me.

Yet in my older brothers eyes….that made me Hitler…hell that made me worse than Hitler.

When my life fell apart after the priest rape, or anything else…it did not matter to any of them….I was the black sheep of the family…well the ONLY one whom it mattered to was my father and mother…..and I damn well know my father…loved me and so did my mother. But to my brothers and sister…I am still the evil black sheep of the family, without one redeeming quality, bound for hell….so I got that going for me.

I ALWAYS thought that family…blood family…though they could get pissed off at the wrongs you did….unless you truly were a rapist, a murderer, etc….but come on…for this shit????? They were supposed to at least never disown you for this kind of crap. So yeah…I would consider the loss of my family…though I did wrong…this was NOT deserving….and I consider it a major negative. Yeah my older self righteous brother thinks I am such a Hitler that I should be banned from any family reunions that he may be at….and have me arrested if I decide to come. Gotta love older brothers like that. Should I BELIEVE what my mother used to say about him to me…how he was such a defender and protector of me when I was sick, had all those operations and was blind for a while because I had to wear eye patches? Nah.

6. Donohue and the whole Catholic Church. THEY ARE A CURSE TO ME. Need I say more? Cardinals like Timothy Dolan, George Pell, Donald Wuerl, Justin Rigali, Bernard Law, Roger Mahony and the whole lot of them…they are a curse not only to me…but to all mankind. They preferred to protect their pedophile priests over us whom were being raped and abused by them….and became Pedophile Pimps. They then became LYING PEDOPHILE PIMPS. when they all signed those Promise to Protect Pledge to Heal charters, the Dallas Charter and all the Charters with the United Nations on children’s rights. They became LYING PEDOPHILE PIMPS when they PROMISED to help us victims…then attacked us at every chance they could, saying they wanted to beat us with baseball bats, or we were to blame for our own rapes, or we were the seducers of these disgusting scumbag rapists. Or we are liars, gold diggers out looking for a payday. Or how we are Anti-Catholic bigot scum for daring to challenge them. Yeah this whole thing is a curse to me, a double edged sword.

For if I walk away…I am no better, hell I am even worse than they are. See I have a soul, I have a conscious…something people like Dolan, Donohue, Law and the rest do not have…I feel real pain when a victim comes to me with their story, or I read their stories. I feel real pain when I see what the scumbag Pedophile Pimps and their buddies are doing to us…when all we want is justice and healing…all they give us is more pain and suffering. Well they are a curse…and they deserve to be cursed.

I could no sooner walk away from this, or helping others whom were harmed by these scumbags as I could live without breathing. But it is a curse, a double curse…because this is also destroying what is left of my soul…..for my soul cannot take this evil much longer.

7. Christianists. Always telling me what to do…be like them!!! What? A bigoted, self righteous, hate filled scumbag? Well thanks but no thanks…you people have instilled enough hate in my heart for you that you make it almost impossible to do what your own Jesus tells you to do….love thy neighbor as thyself….for if I do like these Christianists do…I could rape a child, cover it up and say….oh I did not know it was a crime…and even if it is…..you should just forgive and turn the other cheek.

I also love their hatred towards women, gays, etc….They demonstrate to me the truth when Jesus said…Many shall call themselves by my name but their hearts and minds are far from my teachings.

I seem to attract these psycho, freak Christianists in my life in droves…why am I such a magnet for these psychos? Oh…it is because I tell the truth about them and it pisses them off.

8. MY LIFE OF ABJECT POVERTY. Oh Jesus and God….I am supposed to count as a blessing the abject poverty I have lived through in my life eh? Now wait a minute….I thought you guys were supposed to bless good people and curse bad people. That you all slammed these religious holy people living off the fat of the land? That you were supposed to punish the bad and reward the good. Oh I haven’t been being good just for the reward….like most of those Christianists attempt to portray they do…but fail miserably….I’ve done good because it is the right thing to do. Besides…that Spirit that is inside of me? Each and every time I claim I must be evil because of all the evil things that happen to me……it says NO I AM GOOD AND NOT EVIL. Yet again…in the bible, it says…As you sow…so shall you reap.

So hey…not to brag….but I have sowed a lot of good things…some incredible things….so how come????

I tried and tried to sell my photography…I do not want a hand out…I want a hand up. Yet nada for 7 years. I bust my ass to work and I do not deserve any pay for it? While your religious leaders basically sit on their asses, raping children, covering up the rapes of children, murdering children and burying them in septic systems…..and do all kinds of other evils…then go to their church on Sunday and you forgive them for all their evil…but you still shit on us? Oh and how rich do they have to be? Before some of that trickles down to us? They do not earn their pay…but you sure give it to them in stacks of $100s!!!

I am supposed to bow down and worship this type of God and his Son? REALLY? I am supposed to be grateful? I am supposed to count abject poverty where at the end of the month…like the last two weeks…I am lucky to eat one meal a day? While those fat pigs whom raped us and covered up the rapes of us look like they have not missed a meal in decades? Oh and then if I bitch about it…not only does that mean I am an ungrateful little prick….I get shoved deeper into poverty to see what it is like to have even less? I am supposed to thank you and love you for this? When I see you barely lift a finger to help me? But you sure the HELL lift your big fat hands to make those whom did these evils to us…not want for ANYTHING?

Yeah abject poverty…now I consider that a real BLESSING….not!!!

7.  That I am even alive. I have suffered so damn much. Jesus and God must think I am Superman times two. They really must. Look at all the loss I have suffered…if I look at it…my life is the life of Job in a way. Trouble is….there is a saying in the bible that goes…Suffer the children that they may come unto me. REALLY?

Unrelenting suffering is a way to make someone come to you? Raping them is a way to make them come unto you? Forcing them to live in abject poverty is the way to make someone come to you? Taking away their children and giving them to their evil mothers…that too is how you make someone come to you?

Listen bozos…I’ve tried….oh how I’ve tried…to come to you. I have begged you, I have screamed at you, I have threatened you, I have cried to you, I have pleaded with you…to help me…to show me God and Jesus Christ that YOU are worthy…of my love and faith…but you have NOT SHOWN ME ANY OF THIS!!!! You keep saying to have faith? Faith in what? That one day you are going to find that I have suffered enough? That I have lived in abject poverty, loss and suffering enough? When will that be please? I sure would LOVE to pencil it in on my calender. That I have been denied justice for the crimes done to me? Your sure did punish the living shit out of me when I broke into that hotel room and stole the wallet from the car. You sure punished the living shit out of me with a five year prison term over that utter and complete bullshit over my son Josh. You are even punishing the shit outta me for standing up to Pig Face Donohue.

So which is it Bozos? Do you truly hate evil like you say? God…you say you cannot stand the sight of evil. Jesus…you say it would be better for you to tie a huge millstone around your neck and throw yourself into the deepest of lakes than to harm a single hair on the head of a child.

Seems though….you do the exact opposite. You punish the good and you reward the evil.

Again…I am supposed to love you, follow you, bend my knee to you? Be like those whom proclaim to follow you and then do all manners of evil against humanity…and then claim they are doing it in your names and then you do not punish them….like you promised to do…but you sure the FUCK punish us when we stand up and fight it…like you supposedly tell us to do. Do you not tell us to fight this evil? Oh wait…I guess there is a caviat to this rule eh?

Those whom do fight this evil will be destroyed…is that not what you said? We whom fight this evil will be murdered, thrown into prison, slaughtered and butchered????

Wow… now you are making me wonder….why should I not join the bad guys if this is what you are going to do and allow to be done to the good guys. I thought God and Jesus were supposed to defend the righteous, to fight on our side…but hey…look honestly and realistically at it…if they are real…man are you guys dropping the ball.

So I would say essentially though my life is a blessing…it is more of a curse. I have been made to suffer some of the most evil things that can be done to another…and still to this day…I am still suffering.

Put it bluntly there God and Jesus…do I want to be rich? Yeah…I do not want to ever worry about putting a roof over my head, or food in my stomach…or wait until my clothes totally disintegrate before I can spend 5 bucks on a used pair of pants. I want to give my sons some beautiful things. I want to help many others whom have been harmed by your followers. I want to set up a foundation that truly and honestly helps the religious abuse survivor with their needs….but I guess this is wrong to ask for in your eyes isn’t it?

Because God and Jesus….you would rather make those religious freaks all fat and sassy and rich….than the children you supposedly love…but I guess we are the ones whom are supposed to suffer for truly wanting to follow you. While the hypocrite Pharisee and Sadducee get all the help they need from you. Oh wait a minute…I forgot….

I am not supposed to blame you…I am not supposed to blame YOU God or YOU Jesus for turning your backs on us….I am supposed to blame Satan and his followers….I guess this then all goes to prove…that when it comes time to fighting Satan and his followers….you arm your combatants with nothing and expect them to do everything for you…but give them NOT one drop of help…because I guess that would be messing with our free will again…wouldn’t it? Our free will to be raped, destroyed and live in abject poverty……because you deem that more fit for us…than you do for the scum whom did this to us…in YOUR names.

SO IN CLOSING…I COULD POST MORE NEGATIVES…BUT HEY THIS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH…TO SAY TO THOSE CHRISTIANS WHOM SAY IF I COUNT MY BLESSINGS AND MY CURSES I WOULD FIND THAT MY LIFE IS MUCH MORE BLESSED THAN CURSED….YOU’RE WRONG.

THEN AGAIN…MAYBE YOU CHRISTIANISTS WHOM SAY THIS TO ME…CAN PROVIDE ME WITH WHAT I NEED….CAUSE YOUR GOD YOU WANT ME TO FOLLOW SURE ISN’T. AGAIN…..I DO NOT WANT A HAND OUT…I WANT A HAND UP.

 

Support the victims not the victimizers


Frank LaFerriere: Support the victims not the victimizers

Published Date Thursday, April 24,2014
From the Link: http://www.berlindailysun.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49465:frank-laferriere-support-the-victims-not-the-victimizers&catid=73:letter&Itemid=428

To the editor:

If you were to find out that the leadership of a group or organization you belonged to had appeared before commissions and grand juries and openly admitted to covering up the abuses of children, from rape to severe beatings, to even the death of a child, and that this involved tens of thousands of members own children, and that the cover ups are wide spread throughout the organization or group, you would think that the membership of the group would rise up in arms and make sure that the leadership is arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent the law allows. That they would stand up and defend and protect their children over the leadership of their group or organization. Yet there is one such organization…though there are others….that its leadership is totally immune from liability for crimes such as these by it’s membership. This organization is known as the Roman Catholic Church.

While they have come far with this problem of child abuse, the Vatican announced that for 2011-2012 almost 400 priests had to be let go because of credible accusations of child abuse, including rape, there is still much to be done. While it is commendable that they caught and fired these priests, what about those whom participated in the cover ups of these crimes? Why are they not called to account for their crimes of the members own children? Why are the leadership of the church put above the law and those whom they have harmed? Why are they defended and even praised or made a saint?

There have been at least a half a dozen commission reports, like the Ryan Report, that detail the systematic sexual, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse of children and teens, children of the Roman Catholic Church; and the cover ups of these abuses by the leaders and even their highest leaders, ones whom are supposed to be the Vicars of Jesus while on this earth and in their position. Yet even to this day, not one credibly accused leader has ever been arrested or prosecuted for their crimes save one, Bishop Robert Finn and that case is being retried. Matter of fact, one of these, John Paul II was given sainthood. There is overwhelming evidence he participated in the cover up of and through acts of omission, turned a blind eye to, the pederast Rev. Marcial Maciel, founder of the Legion of Christ. Yet he is given sainthood? This is an insult to all those whom are survivors of these evil crimes against us.

There are some incredible priests and leaders of the Roman Catholic Church. I have met some of them. From Fr Tom Doyle, ret., whom has fought tirelessly for the victims of priest abuse, at the cost of his being a priest, to even our own local priest Fr Kyle Stanton whom has helped me immensely, to groups like Catholic Whistleblowers, and others, they have sort of restored my faith that this problem of priests and nuns abusing children and teens will stop. Yet to truly set things right the following must be done.

1. All credibly accused leaders, from Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, to Cardinals like Timothy Dolan, Donald Wuerl, Roger Mahony, Bernard Law, George Pell, and many others, against whom there is overwhelming evidence, through commission reports, grand jury testimonies and the churches own documents, must be fired. They must be arrested and prosecuted. We do this to other criminals, we demand this of any rapist or those whom cover up the rapes and abuses of children. They may be leaders of the Roman Catholic Church, but these men are criminals and deserve to be arrested and prosecuted and the victims deserve their day in court and justice for the crimes committed against them because of these leaders actions.

2. Abide by the Pledge to Protect, Promise to Heal charter all of the diocese of the Roman Catholic Church in the United States signed. All attacks against the victims must stop. We are not responsible for our rapes, we did not enjoy being raped. We are not homosexuals because we were raped by a male priest. We are not liars, gold diggers who are out looking for a payday from the Roman Catholic Church.

We are your sons, we are your daughters, who want justice, whom want those who perpetrated these crimes against us punished, whom went through one of the most horrifying and terrifying experiences a human being can go through. We trusted these priests and nuns and they destroyed that trust with their evil crimes against us. We were raped, we were beaten, we had our souls, our hearts stolen from us, we had our bodies destroyed and abused. We did not deserve this, we were not willing participants and we refuse to remain silent while those whom are responsible for these crimes against us go free while we still remain trapped inside the prisons they created for us.

3. No matter what….put your children before your leaders. Protect and stand up and defend your children….not the leaders whom committed these evils against us. Your children should come first. Stand up for the victims of these crimes, whom are your own children. You may know one. Again, we are your sons, your daughters, your nieces and nephews, your God children, whom you vowed and promised to protect and defend.

I started going back to church. I even started photographing St Annes, an incredibly beautiful place of worship. I had no choice though, I had to stop because I felt like such a hypocrite. Far too many of us whom were victims still see those responsible for these evils against us in their positions as if nothing in the world is wrong. We victims are still being attacked, by people like Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League. We are still being attacked by parishioners whom have called me a liar to my face and how dare I spread lies and rumors and false accusations and gossip against the leaders. Well, sadly, I am not spreading lies, rumors and false accusations, these statements I have made can all be proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law if it were allowed.

Yet while these leaders whom perpetrated these crimes against us are still in power, I cannot in good conscious go into the church. I cannot be part of a church where the leadership covered up the crimes of child abuse, child rape and put the church before the children and are still in power, for that makes me a hypocrite in my eyes.

I would love to go on a regular basis to St Anne, to be among the other worshipers, some of whom I made acquaintance and even friends with, especially Fr Kyle, but I cannot, for while the wolves are still in control….someone must stand outside the door for the defense and protection of the children and the victims.

Sin is one thing…sin can be forgiven when there is true repentance from the sin. There has been no true repentance among the leadership whom covered up these crimes. There have been staged acts of contrition, but no true repentance. For if they are to truly repent they must also submit to prosecution for the crimes they committed. They must not hide behind their robes of religion. If they seek to make laws for man like they do, they also must submit to the laws of man and be arrested and prosecuted for their crimes. No one, not even religious leaders, should be allowed to get away with crimes against children. They should not be above the law!

When it comes time to the crimes of the rapes and abuses of children and teens and the cover up of these crimes by the leadership…only justice in a court of law, where the victims may have their day in court to see those responsible for the crimes against them be tried and if found guilty sentenced to prison…that is true justice. The Roman Catholic Church promised this to victims and to prosecuting attorneys…but have failed to deliver on this promise. Instead they still fight the victims and hide behind the statue of limitations to deny justice to the victims. Ask yourself is this true justice? If you were raped would you say this is true justice?

In closing whom do you think Jesus Christ will stand up for in the end?

Those whom perpetrated these crimes against children and teens…or the children and teen victims?

Here is a clue: “For it would be better for you to tie a huge boulder around your neck and throw yourself into the deepest of lakes than to harm a single hair on the head of a child.”

Well the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church did a lot more than harm a hair on the head of a child. Whom are you going to stand besides? The ones Jesus Christ would stand up for? Or the ones He would toss into the pit of hell for their evils against children?

Frank LaFerriere, Berlin

I don’t want to hate anymore. Help us forgive Commentary


I don’t want to hate anymore. Help us forgive

When I wrote this letter and asked that it be published in the Berlin Daily Sun I meant every word as I wrote it. I am so tired of being angry all the time, of being hate filled all the time. It wasn’t doing me any good. It was killing me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have found that living in hate and anger for what was done to me only created a cycle where it just grew more hatred and anger in me. The more I thought I was getting it out in the ways I was getting it out through being just plain mean and nasty was the way to somehow get rid of the evil I saw inside of me. The only thing is…it made me look like a complete and total raving lunatic and the people whom could have helped me get through what I have been going through were turned off by what I was saying and doing. I understand that now.

I did something Friday that I NEVER thought I would EVER do again in my lifetime. I was at a crossroads that day. I could either allow this rage, this hate this pain to continue to destroy me, to take away what was left of my heart and soul…or I could change it. What got me to do so was simply on Friday morning I thought I was an abomination before the eyes of God and thought I had been condemened to die by his orders.

Around noon in desperation I met my best friend whom had suffered similar abuse at the hands of a parent as I did from the priest. I have NEVER been able to say two prayers since that night at St Thomas More parish, the Our Father or the Hail Mary without massacring it and changing the words to it that disgraced it. Instead of Our Father who art in Heaven I would always replace the Heaven with Hell, even when I went to masses at St Mary’s Episcopal in Daytona. I felt if I could go to the church to say both of these prayers from my heart then maybe I was not considered an abomination and God had not condemned me to die.

I was scared to death walking up those stairs if it was not for my friend I do not know if I really would have had the courage to do this. I also gotta admit in hindsight…it did happen to pick one of the WORST WEATHER DAYS in Berlin to do this lol…really???/ 40-50 mph wind gusts? Driving rain? I am not trying to make light of what happened that day..but wow….Walking across Mason Street bridge was pretty freaky both going over to met my friend and then walking back across to go to the church then walking back with her across again.

I am not really going to get totally into what happened next some of it is incredibly privately spiritual for me. But I did go into St Anne’s and blessed myself. I said the Our Father. I started the Hail Mary and I heard this voice that went sssshhhhh just listen. They were doing the Kyrie Elision as it was the noon mass for the All Souls day. Again I will not describe what happened while repeating the Kyrie, but I can say this…right after….I must have cried like a baby for how long I do not know and my friend even had to help me to the door cause I was still pretty wet eyed…but I was actually free. We got outside and she said to me see…You are NOT condemned by God nor are you an abomination. Jokingly I said to her well let’s wait until I am off the property. Once we got off it…well.

Oh and when we crossed Mason Street Bridge again…it was no longer stormy but my friend and I both noticed something. We have a beautiful view to the Mt Monroe and Adams peaks of the Northern Presidential Range of the White Mountains. Even though there were still storm clouds they were breaking up and you could see the whole valley glowing under sunbeams.

I went to my first mass in a Roman Catholic Church to celebrate Mass on Sunday. During the offering of the peace I stood there and I looked around the whole church. I looked at all of these people. I looked at their faces. Most of them had nothing but smiles on their faces and I could see the love in their hearts. As they offered each other Peace I tried to think of even one reason why I should hate them, why should I even be angry at them? I could not think of one reason why. I offered my peace to them all. I then wondered if it was right for me to take communion. I will not say the sign I got…but I got one that told me it was alright.

After mass I met with Father Kyle. He told me he had read my letter but wasn’t sure to really make of it and was taking a wait and see approach. He told me just by my walking through the church doors let alone staying through the mass proved much.

I do NOT want to hate anymore. Matter of fact I can say with all honesty that I have truly forgiven the priest whom did what he did to me. I have forgiven everyone. One of the things I experienced was I saw Jesus on the Cross. Heck I was right there with him for somehow he allowed be to be right there with him in his body. I could feel everything they had done to him.  I also saw all those whom hated Him, all those whom reviled him, spat on him, threw punches at him. Those whom had whipped him and beaten him to within an inch of his life. Then I saw all those whom loved him. His mother, his friends. Jesus did not concentrate on those whom hated him when he spoke the words Forgive them Adoni for they know not what they do. He was concentrating on those whom were present whom loved him. That gave him the power to forgive and love those whom hated him. That has stayed with me through this. I am going to use the power of love and of those whom love me…to forgive those whom have harmed me and others and try to help them change their hate into love with the power of the love I found in Jesus while he hung on the cross.

I thought long and hard if I should remove this blog as it is no longer a reflection of who I am now or whom I am going to continue to be. Many of the postings in this blog show me at my worst. I was vile in many of them. I called some people names like Mr Donohue that were just an incredible expression of the anger and hatred I felt inside. I have released all of that. I no longer wish to fight Mr Donohue even, but maybe work with him in a way. Same with others too. I decided though to keep it up and even add onto it. I want to remember where I was through all of this. I want to remember when I raged against the machine, used these foul words and expressed myself in this way. I want to see the anger that was in me during this time. Years from now when I look back at this new chapter in my life I will compare it to the previous one of hate and rage and see how far I really have come. All I know is I no longer own the hatred, the anger, the pain and suffering in my previous words. Those are gone now. Those belong in the past, not in my future.

I can even tell I have changed because a lot of my fellow Survivors of Religious Abuse are pissed off at me because I used to be so nasty and now I have done a complete 360. When I told them I no longer hated the priest who raped me, I no longer even hated Mr Donohue, that I wanted to actually also work with the priests and nuns whom abused us in love and compassion and not in anger and hatred a lot of these Survivors tore me a new one and said I was a traitor privately. Well I am no traitor either. I just got sick and tired of being hateful all the time, of being angry all the time. Of hearing true friends telling me this over and over and over again that I was too hateful. I may have a right to be angry at what happened to me but I had gone to borderline psychotic hate and no one wanted to deal with me anyway. We have every reason to want justice for what was done to us…but to perpetuate hate and anger and all the things that goes with it does no one any good, least of all those whom are trying to heal from this.

This is what living and wallowing in hate and anger will get ya. Well I am tired of wallowing in it and I refuse to turn back now.

I remember going to the Cursillio when I went to St Mary’s. We had gotten our stuff unpacked and was having our first meet and greet. These two men came up to me and hugged me then said: “If you only knew the power of the spirit inside of you, you could move mountains. The hate and anger inside though will not let you see it. If you could get rid of that, you could spread your wings and fly.”

They were right, So was Dick. So was others. I am now spreading my wings and flying and I refuse to go back to that hate and anger again.

Even to my brothers and sisters in Survival whom may think I am a traitor or hate me right now for my freedom…I will always love you all and I will always welcome you back with open arms.

I don’t want to hate anymore. Help us forgive

To the editor,

I speak not from hate, but from hope.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD over my priest rape, I thought it was bull. I believed that the ONLY people whom could be classified as someone with PTSD were soldiers or those in war zones. Then my therapist started explaining to me what a person whom they diagnose with PTSD goes through, what their life is like…it was like they wrote most of that definition for me.

Yet people still think what I went through can simply go away if I just get over it, forgive the priest, forgive the church, forgive those whom harmed me. That if I just forget…somehow this will make me all better.

To those who think this way do you may not realize, for 33 years I hid what that priest did to me. During that time I tried to forget, but it only made matters much, much worse. I felt guilty, I hated myself for what he did to me. I even called myself the Antichrist because of it. I actually took the name of Damien from the Omen series for my name. This is a fact. This is how evil I thought I was for what the priest did to me.

 Yes I have spoken out in harsh language and foul words against this, because in my mind, in my heart and soul, nothing is more heinous than raping a child. Nothing deserves more condemnation than the rape or any harm done to a child.

The Church continues to deny us true justice. What is the harm in victims of crime asking for this? Wouldn’t you ask for justice if you were a victim of a crime? I hear it time and time again, that people would just wish we would shut up and go away. That we are Anti-Catholic when we speak out like this, when all we really are is anti-child rape and we seek justice for ourselves and far too many who, when they were children and teens, were harmed in this way. I do not only speak out against anyone in the RCC who do this, but to all who do this. In my eyes, it does not matter what position you hold when you harm a child, be you a priest, minister, teacher, or what have you. You rape a child, you harm a child and I will be all up in your grill.

We have been called liars, we have been told because we did not fight back, we are guilty of what was done to us. Imagine being told this? The thing is, when this is said of other victims of rape, people come to their defense and say how shameful this is. We who speak out about our crimes done to us at the hands of the Roman Catholic Church, sadly do not get the same treatment. We are victims of one of the most heinous evils that can be perpetrated against another, so much so that it is spoken of in the Catechism.

“Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them.” (no. 2356)

How can anyone expect a victim of such an evil act ever come to the point of healing, of forgiveness for those whom committed these crimes against us when we hear these things said about us? If YOU wish for us to forgive you, to heal from these evils, then you must stand with us not against us. All we ask for is justice? Is that wrong? Would YOU not want the same for someone you loved and was going through this?

I onced loved the RCC with all of my heart and soul. When I was a young boy taking my Catechism and doing my First Communion…I was hooked to the beauty and the mysticism and most of all…the love of God and Jesus Christ. That I just had the incredible honor of having my first Communion, of taking the Holy Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into me and that meant the world to me at that moment.

That was taken away from me in one night due to the perversities of a priest. How can I forgive this priest, when he himself will not even admit what he did to me? How can I forgive him when the church fights me at every step just to obtain some justice for the crime that was done to me?

So when you hear us survivors of these crimes against us, speak out in anger, pain, and in horror about the evils done to us…do not condemn us…help us…In the name of God and Jesus Christ, help us heal from all of this suffering and pain. In the name of God and Jesus Christ stand up for us. If you wish for us to truly come back, to be fellow followers of God and Jesus Christ, then help us do so by standing for us and not against us. We do not want to destroy your church, we want to clean it from these evils so it can be the church it is supposed to be.
I do not want to hate anymore, I want to heal and forgive those whom committed these crimes against myself and so many others.

In the name of God and Jesus Christ help us heal our pain, help us heal our suffering. Help us.

Frank Laferriere

Berlin

A priest rape survivor speaks not in hate…but in hope


You Parishioners on here find my postings insulting and degrading, you find my words disgusting and nasty. Well I would ask YOU to read this posting. It will NOT be full of my swears but it speaks the truth. I just want you all to hear, from the words of a Priest Rape Survivor why we cannot forgive you just yet.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD over my priest rape and soul torture, I thought it was bull. I believed that the ONLY people whom could be classified as someone with PTSD were soldiers or those in war zones. Then my therapist started explaining to me what a person whom they diagnose with PTSD goes through, what their life is like…it was like they wrote most of that definition for me.

Yet people still think what I went through can simply go away if I just get over it, forgive the priest, forgive the church, forgive those whom harmed me.

That if I just forget…somehow this will make me all better.

What those whom think this way do not realize, for 33 years I hid what that priest did to me. I felt guilty, I hated myself for what he did to me. I called myself the Antichrist because of it.

When I thought I was the ONLY one who got raped by a priest…once I came out and started raising my voice about this evil…I found there were tens of thousands of us. Then I found out what the leadership did to protect the rapists and not us. Then I found they continue to rape us and harm us by their actions against us.

They continue to deny us justice. They just wish we would shut up and go away. They insult us, denigrate us, call us faggots, say we enjoyed and wanted what happened to us. They call us liars and gold diggers. They say we should look at others whom do the same thing.

How can anyone with what I or others went through EVER hope to get any healing from this, hope to ever find it in our hearts to forgive those whom harmed us…when they continue to do this to us?

Whom do you think Jesus Christ is going to one day, heal our pain and wipe away our tears, take away the never ending nightmares we suffer from because what those whom called themselves priests, Cardinals, Archbishops, Bishops and even Popes did to cover this evil up? I have some hope with Pope Francis…we survivors had none with Pope Benedict.

This is my first communion. I am in the first row with my two brothers. My older brother Joe on the left of me, my twin brother Paul on my right.

This is my first communion. I am in the first row with my two brothers. My older brother Joe on the left of me, my twin brother Paul on my right.

I onced loved the RCC with all of my heart and soul. When I was a young boy taking my Catechism and doing my First Communion…I was hooked to the beauty and the mysticism and most of all…the love of God and Jesus Christ. That I just had the incredible honor of having my first Communion, of taking the Holy Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into me and that meant the world to me at that moment.

That was taken away from me in one night due to the perversities of a priest. Whom that night decided his vows he made to God, Jesus Christ and all of us did not matter, that his lusts mattered, and in that night…he took the soul, the faith and the life of a scared, young boy whom had just ran away from a foster home and thought the next day he was going to go to prison til he was 18 for it.

So when YOU PARISHIONERS hear us survivors of these crimes against us, speak out in anger, speak out in pain, speak out in horror about the evils done to us…do not condemn us…help us…help us heal from all of this suffering, all of this pain. Stand up for us. Stand up for your children. I know if you are true to the church…you have some God children. Remember the vows YOU TOOK…to protect and defend the life of this baby…with your very own if you need to.

If this is true to your heart and soul, if you took vows like these and you felt them burn within you…then do this again. Take the vow again to stand up and defend the Children of the Roman Catholic Church.

Help us heal our pain, help us heal our suffering. Help us.

Hearing held on harassment charges against Berlin resident


Hearing held on harassment charges against Berlin resident

Published Date Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00

PLEASE READ FRANK LAFERRIERE’S COMMENT AT END OF POSTING.

By Debra Thornblad

From the link: http://www.berlindailysun.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47214:hearing-held-on-harassment-charges-against-berlin-resident&catid=103:local-news&Itemid=442

A hearing on charges that a Berlin resident made harassing phone calls to the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights took the better part of the day in Lancaster District Court Tuesday.

 

The hearing was continued while Lancaster District Court Judge Paul Desjardins considers a motion to dismiss filed by the defendant, Frank LaFerriere, 53, of Berlin.

 

LaFerriere is charged with three counts of harassment against William Donohue, who heads the non-profit Catholic advocacy organization based in New York City. LaFerriere has a pending lawsuit against the Catholic Church for sexual assaults that he says happened when he was 14 and 15.

 

The three harassment complaints allege LaFerriere called Donohue’s cell phone in January and February of this year, leaving what Donohue described as “abusive, annoying and threatening” messages.

 

LaFerriere was arrested on one count of harassment on February 22 and two other counts were added on June 28.

 

Donohue was the first witness on the stand. He described himself as a writer and publisher of a blog and several books and said he has also appeared on several television and radio programs. He agreed under cross examination that he had taken some positions on issues involving the Catholic Church for which he had been criticized and that he was a public person who had put himself and his views “out there.”

 

Donohue estimated that from December 2011 to early this year he had received about 150 calls from LaFerriere, who identified himself in some of the calls. Donohue started taping the calls in March 2012 and also contacted New York City police, who thought it might be a hate crime and recommended a bodyguard. New York police opened an investigation and contacted Berlin police, who filed the complaints.

 

Donohue was asked if he had ever responded in any way to LaFrenierre and he said he hadn’t. He eventually taped 50 calls and submitted the 28 most serious to police.

 

The three calls on which the complaints are based, made on January 12, 26 and February 16 of this year, were played in the courtroom. The calls were full of obscenities, foul and coarse language, and were critical and condemning of pedophile priests and those who protect and support them. The caller said he would continue to speak about what had happened to him and make sure the priests involved were put in prison where they belonged. He also stated it was sure they would go to hell, where he hoped they would be raped by demons as he had been by the priest that assaulted him. There were no physical threats, however, and LaFerriere was not charged with criminal threatening.

 

Donohue confirmed in court that he has made statements saying he believes a teenage boy 15 to 17 years old has the ability to fend off sexual attacks by a priest and if he didn’t it was because it was a consensual homosexual act.

 

LaFerriere’s attorney Jay Duguay focused his cross- examination of Donohue on public statements he has made and how those comments might affect the state of mind of a victim like LaFerriere. Duguay said Donohue has called alleged victims “liars, dropouts, thieves and gold diggers looking for a pay day.”

 

Donohue argued that many of his criticisms referred to dishonest organizations that portrayed themselves as helping victims of priest abuse. He claimed he had never criticized the victims themselves.

 

“I will never defend the indefensible,” a quote he said he made in a 2002 New York Times article. “There are some bad priests,” he said, adding that there are also some victims who have lied about being abused by priests.

 

Considerable time was spent during the examination and cross-examination of Donohue on past reports and court cases and what Donohue was referring to when he made some of his most controversial statements.

 

Following Donohue, Berlin Police Prosecutor Daniel Buteau called Berlin Detective Wade Goulet to the stand and asked him what role he played in the investigation.

 

Goulet said he had written the supporting affidavit to apply for a search warrant for LaFarriere’s phone records.

 

Buteau tried to enter the call logs as an exhibit, but Duguay objected, saying they were hearsay. He said in order to enter them the state would either have to have the “keeper of the records,” the phone company, present to swear to their authenticity, or an affidavit from the keeper of the records. Duguay said Goulet could not certify they’re accurate.

 

After some back and forth on the issue, the judge asked to see both in his chambers. He then ruled the call logs were inadmissible.

 

Berlin Police Detective Luc Poulin testified when he heard the taped calls he recognized the voice as that of Frank LaFerriere.

 

Lt. Detective Richard Plourde, the lead detective on the case, said an officer on the New York City Hate Crimes Task Force first contacted him about the case. He was told a resident in New York City was receiving harassing and disturbing phone messages. Plourde said he spoke to Donohue and the New York police emailed him 28 phone messages, which he downloaded onto a CD.

 

On Feb. 21, he went to LaFerriere’s residence and asked him to come to the police station where he was interviewed by Plourde and Anderson Smart, a detective with the New York City police department.

 

Despite an objection from Duguay, Buteau was allowed to play some of the interview tape. On the tape, LaFerriere admitted he had made the calls. When asked why, he said it was because of the nasty, perverted things Donohue had said about victims of priest abuse, calling them liars, gold diggers and that they should just shut their mouths and go away.

 

“As someone who has gone through what I have, I should never have to hear these things,” he told the two officers.

 

LaFerriere said he had hid what had happened to him for 36 years and had tried to kill himself many times.

 

“I wanted him to know the pain I’ve gone through,” he said.

 

On the tape, LaFerriere was asked what stopped him from going to New York.

 

“I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t know if I could control myself if I saw him,” he said.

 

LaFerriere was asked in the interview if he wanted Donohue dead.
“No, because that will stop his suffering,” he said. In one of his messages, LaFerriere said he hoped Donohue would get some horrible disease and suffer.

 

In the interview, LaFerriere said when he stated in one of the phone messages, “I’m coming for you, and all your pedophile priests,” he meant he was going to expose them all for what they had done.

 

When asked if he should have made those calls, he said, “maybe not, but I didn’t know any other way to react to him.”

 

Following the tape and later, in a motion to dismiss, Duguay argued that Donohue’s statements about victims were inflammatory and hurtful to people like LaFerriere.

 

He said the crux of the case is whether or not the calls and things said in the calls were constitutionally protected free speech. He said that hinged on whether or not the calls served a legitimate communicative purpose. Duguay said while LaFerriere’s language was offensive, it didn’t matter if it served that purpose.

 

To prove his point, Duguay dissected each of the three phone messages in the harassment charges against LaFerriere. Excluding the obscene and foul language, he argued that there was a message in each that LaFerriere was trying to get across.

 

In the first message, Duguay said LaFerriere accused Donohue of picking on gays and suggested he deal with the problem in the church. Duguay said LaFerriere was trying to point out the hypocrisy of Donohue’s position and suggesting he clean his own house first.

 

In the second message, LaFerriere accused Donohue of defending a cardinal for covering up in an abuse case involving priests. LaFerriere said Donohue thought all the victims were a bunch of liars and gold diggers. Duguay argued LaFerriere was trying to point out the affect Donohue’s statements had on him and others.

 

In the third message, LaFerriere told Donohue he was not afraid of him and would continue to speak up until they were all in prison.

 

Dugay said these all three messages had a legitimate communicative purpose.

 

He said the U.S. Supreme Court laid out what was meant by protected speech in the Westboro Baptist Church case, the church best known for picketing military funerals. The court had ruled that the issues on their posters were “speech on matters of public concern.” He said the issues around abuse by priests are likewise matters of public concern.

 

Duguay argued by making his statements, Donohue “opens himself up to reactions on issues of public concern. He puts himself in a position where he’s intentionally controversial, puts himself out there, puts his phone number out there. I don’t know if there’s anything more offensive than that, telling a 15-year old that he’s partly to blame for what happened to him and that he’s thus homosexual,” Duguay said.

 

Buteau said he didn’t think the Westboro case was relevant as it involved  church members picketing, not making personal phone calls. He argued that LaFerriere’s purpose was solely to alarm.

 

Duguay countered that LaFerriere that he has the right to alarm if it’s for a legitimate purpose.

 

“He doesn’t have an unlimited right to alarm,” Buteau responded.

If Desjardins denies the motion to dismiss, the case will continue on Nov. 22 at 1 p.m. LaFerriere is expected to testify if that happens.

NOTE COMMENTS BY FRANK LAFERRIERE, PUBLISHER OF RAPE VICTIMS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH:

One thing not included fully in this story is Donohue’s comment about how the Roman Catholic Church does not have a pedophile problem but a homosexuality problem. Mr Donohue states that if 81% of the victims are male and 100% of the victimizers are male, and if 78% of the victims are post-pubescent, the word in the English language is not pedophilia, it’s called homosexuality.”

I take offense at Mr Donohue stating this as he in a way is right, the RCC does not have a pedophile problem, but a child abuse, child rape, child torture problem. Seeing Mr Donohue enjoys semantics though, if the judge does not dismiss the charges, then I will educate not only Mr Donohue but others, through my testimony, exactly the problem with the Unholy Roman Catholic Church of Pedophile Pimps is.

Comments on Bill Donohue and the Catholic League: DATA PROVE NO SEX ABUSE CRISIS


Bill Donohue and the Catholic League: DATA PROVE NO SEX ABUSE CRISIS

From the link: http://www.catholicleague.org/data-prove-no-sex-abuse-crisis/

May 10, 2013 by
Filed under Latest News Releases

Bill Donohue comments on the 2012 Annual Report by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops on the subject of sexual abuse:

The survey, done by an institute at Georgetown University, shows how utterly absurd it is to maintain that the Catholic Church continues to have a problem with priestly sexual abuse. Of the nearly 40,000 priests in the U.S., there were 34 allegations made by minors last year (32 priests, two deacons): six were deemed credible by law enforcement; 12 were either unfounded or unable to be proven; one was a “boundary violation”; and 15 are still being probed. Moreover, in every case brought to the attention of the bishops or heads of religious orders, the civil authorities were notified.

Not counting those of unknown status, in 88 percent of the total number of cases (independent of when they allegedly occurred), the accused priest is either deceased, has been dismissed from ministry, or has been laicized.

Most of the allegations reported to church officials today have nothing to do with current cases: two-thirds date back to the 1960s, 1970s and the first half of the 1980s. As usual, the problem is not pedophilia: 19 percent of the allegations involving those who work in dioceses or eparchies, and 7 percent of religious order priests and deacons, involve pedophilia. In other words, the problem remains what it has always been—an issue involving homosexual priests (85 percent of the victims were male).

Anyone who knows of any religious, or secular, organization that has less of a problem with the sexual abuse of minors these days should contact the Catholic League. We’d love to match numbers.

One more thing: since nearly 100 percent of our priests did not have a credible allegation made against him last year, this should be picked up by the media. But it won’t be. Look for the story to get buried.

Above is the verbatim commentary Mr Bill Donohue of the Catholic League made on the recent data released by the 2012 Annual Report by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops on the subject of sexual abuse.

Mr Donohue goes on to say: The survey, done by an institute at Georgetown University, shows how utterly absurd it is to maintain that the Catholic Church continues to have a problem with priestly sexual abuse.

Apparently Mr Donohue does NOT seem to get the message. He does seem to evade and avoid the real problem here in association with the rapes of children, the torture of children, the abuse of children by those of the Roman Catholic Church and the Leaders who covered it up.

While it is admirable that the church is now cleaning up it’s act, I have some reservations using a report brought to us by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops when the leaders of the RCC, especially Bishops and Cardinals had a massive hand in moving child rapists and abusers around from parish to parish without warning or telling anyone about these child rapists and abusers. Then these same abusers went on to abuse even more children.

Sure there may be less children being harmed by sexual degenerates who prey on young children in the RCC and sure there are now eyes everywhere, there is still a massive problem with the leaders who covered it up getting away with their crimes.

There is ample and irrefutible evidence against many Cardinals: Timothy Dolan, Donald Wuerl, Roger Mahony, Justin Rigali, Bernard Law, Sean Brady, Keith O’Brien, George Pell, Franc Rodé, Humberto Medeiros, Dominik Duka, John Krol, Leonardo Sandri, William Leveda, Richard Cushing, and too many Archbishops and Bishops to name, who participated in a massive cover up of child rapists and abusers and put the church before the safety and welfare of children. Mr Donohue has to get this through his thick skull.  There is still ample evidence of stonewalling in the Diocese and of course the now infamous strategy to fight and call any victim now who comes forward liars and gold diggers and fight them, delay them and subtrefuge them every step of the way.

No Mr Donohue, the Roman Catholic Church has gotten off too damn easy. Your Popes, John Paul II, Benedict XVI, your Cardinals, Archbishops, Bishops and others who turned a blind eye to the destruction of the soul, heart and mind of a child to satisfy some sexual perverted feelings among your clergy must be rectified before anyone can honestly believe the RCC is actually cleaning up their act. This means the immediate resignation, or forced resignation, of all credibly accused Cardinals et al who participated in these cover ups and submission for prosecution. Sure plea bargin if you will, but you all must face a court of mans law for justice to be truly gotten for the victims of your sick and twisted child rapists and abusers.

Mr Donohue, I recall when you compared what rape victims of these pedophiles go through is what you went through when you got smacked on the wrist by a nun. Well Mr Donohue, I have been smacked on the wrist by a nun for being left handed. I was raped and tortured by one of the Roman Catholic Priests. He was supposed to protect me for one damn night. Instead he consigned me to a life of living hell, where I actually believed I was pure evil, that I deserved what happened to me, that I was condemned by God and Jesus Christ himself to eternal damnation. I even took the name Damien, the name of the antichrist child in the Omen movies because I believed the horror this sick and twisted scumbag drilled into my terrified mind. He told me I was evil, doomed to hell because I broke one of the Ten Commandments. He ripped from me everything that night.

Mr Donohue, I would rather two thousand nuns smacked me on the wrist than go through what that twisted sub human put me through, dressed and disguised as a man of God that night.

Frank LaFerriere’s Story of Priest Rape


Frank LaFerriere’s Story of Priest Rape.

FRANK’S STORY:

This is a picture taken from my first communion. The three boys on the left of the priest are myself and my brothers. My oldest brother, Joe, is on the left. I am in the middle, and my twin Paul, is to the right. This was taken at St Charles Parish in Dover, NH.

This is a picture taken from my first communion. The three boys on the left of the priest are myself and my brothers. My oldest brother, Joe, is on the left. I am in the middle, and my twin Paul, is to the right. This was taken at St Charles Parish in Dover, NH.

In March of 1975, I had run away from an abusive foster home. The only place they could put me for the night was St Thomas More Parish in Durham, NH, until my social services worker, Pam Shaw, could pick me up the next morning and bring me to Teen Haven group home in Rochester NH.

A police officer brought me to the church and no sooner did he leave and the priest brought me to his bedroom.

He told me I had broken one of the Ten Commandments and told me I was now going to hell unless I did what he said.

He had me strip and he got naked. First he performed oral sex on me to ‘suck out the evil from me”. He then forced me to perform oral sex on him to take his “sacred sacrament” into me. Even though I puked he was still not finished.

He raped me anally then. While he was doing so, he forced me to say the Our Father and Hail Mary and he kept telling me if I told anyone about his special healing I would burn in hell forever.

I remember crying and begging God and Jesus to make him stop.

When my social worker picked me up the next morning, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. She wanted to treat me to breakfast, but I refused. She knew something was wrong but I could not tell her.

She then brought me to Teen Haven. I started having nightmares of the world being destroyed. It was burning. I then became a pyromaniac. I set fire to two houses, though they were abandoned, the woods, called the Pines behind Spaulding High School in Rochester, and then set fire to a truck that was like two hundred yards from the Teen Haven for which I got arrested for the next day.

I was then brought to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford, NH. I still had the nightmares and even attempted my own evil. I tried three times to rape a girl in the Pines. I could not do it though, hell I puked each time I tried.

I did tell a school friend at Austin Cate, but he did not believe me. After that, my nightmares got even worse. I was being gang raped in hell by priests, bishops and popes and even the demons of hell. I would wake up when the priest who raped me, now a demon would come over and rip my penis off and eat it.

I became a drunk and a druggie. I got into all kinds of trouble with the law. I got raped one more time by a guy who picked me up hitch hiking and drugged me and I woke up to him raping me in the back of his RV. I thought I deserved this though and it was punishment for my telling John at school what happened to me.

Then two months later, I was hitch hiking again, and this guy pulled off the dirt road before the bridge in Gloucester Mass and tried to rape me, but I defended myself and sliced him up real good. I tried to get his car out of a ditch because he had run off, but I couldn’t, so I ran up the embankment and saw a cop car and flagged it down. I did not know he had already picked up the guy and I told the cop what happened. Well he went to put me into the back seat and I saw the guy and I freaked the hell out. Then the cop asked the guy if I was the one who just tried to rob him and first he said no. He said no a couple of times but then said yes when I kept saying he just tried to rape me.

The cop believed me though. Yet, there was nothing he could do because the guy pressed all kind of charges against me. I was charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon, attempted Armed Robbery and other charges. Again, I felt I deserved this and it pretty well ruined my life, I lost my job, my apartment everything and became homeless, eventually being arrested for breaking into a deserted boy scout hall in Rockport to live. I then went to jail to wait the trial but was given a 2 year probation sentence.

From then on my life was even more a living hell.

I eventually came out two and a half years ago after helping another rape victim.

Since then, I have been speaking out, through Facebook and my blog and in letters to the editors. I also am working on my own book about this and am working on naming names in the book of all the evil pedophiles of the US branch of the Roman Catholic Church.

Letter to the Editor, Manchester Union Leader, April 18 2013 How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?


My letter to the editor, which appeared in the Manchester Union Leader, April 18, 2013: How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?

How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?

To the Editor: As a survivor of priest rape, I and many other survivors wonder if the parishioners of the Roman Catholic Church can understand how it feels to us victims to hear them cheering the Pope or ca
rdinals like Timothy Dolan. Benedict and Dolan are just two who participated in the coverups of child rape by their priests. Yet we victims have to hear you cheer them on. Put yourself in a rape victim’s shoes and imagine what that is like for us.

On Bishops Accountability, there is a database. On this list, there are 3,763 priests and nuns, just in the United States, who were credibly accused. You look at this list, then come back and tell us it was just a few priests who did this, and remember, this is just for those in the U.S.

To put it bluntly, we victims feel that is the parishioners and the good bishops, cardinals , priests and nuns do not demand the immediate resignation of all of these leaders of your church credibly accused in the coverups, and the prosecution of these people for their crimes against children, then in our eyes you are just as guilty of these crimes as the perpetrators.

Talk to the victims and see if the church is in fact doing all it can to help us.

Frank LaFerriere
Berlin.