Anatomy of a Priest Rape

I had ran away from the foster home I was living at in March of 1975. I spent the night with a couple of friends whom I knew when I was growing up named Tammy and Pammy and the next afternoon the police picked me up and brought me to St Thomas More parish in Durham for the night until my social services case worker could get me a new place to live.

I remember it was still light outside and the priest bought me into the rectory and to his bedroom. I remember the bed, it had a large, dark stained headboard of solid wood, it was solid and had a curve on the top with two posts attached and the lower foot board was the same way only shorter and coming up to the top edge of the mattress. There was a dark wool blanket and two pillows. There were two night stands, one with a lamp and a window with a white curtains inside with a darker curtain outside. The priest told me that I was a bad person that running away from home and it was a sin in God’s eyes because I broke the commandment of honoring my mother and father. He told me that I would have to do what he said to remove the sin from my life and save my soul from eternal damnation for breaking one of the ten commandments.

He took off his clothes and made me take off mine. I remember he had a slight paunch belly that was covered in sort of both gray and brown hair. He had me lay on the bed and he started masturbating me. I begged him to stop but he told me that I had to pay for my sins and this was the way God wanted me to pay for it. Once I was erect, which was disgusting to me, he then proceeded to give me oral sex. I remember the whole time he did it I was crying and begging him to stop but he kept on doing it and I felt so ashamed. I could not will my body to stop from even having an erection and I felt incredibly ashamed when I did ejaculate in his mouth. I really started to cry then and thought it was now over but he then told me I had to do to him just as he did to me. He told me what he had done was taken the sin from me and now to be cleansed of my sin, I had to take what he called his sacred sacrament. I begged him to not make me do it, but he then asked me if I wanted to spend an eternity in hell because if I did not do to him what he just did to me and take his sacred sacrament then that is where I was going to go.

I remember he had a small penis and even though I was disgusted, I did not want to go to hell like he told me. I closed my eyes, crying all the time and did what he told me to do. I remember I did try to bite him but he told me if I did that again he would punish me severely. It did not take long, maybe two or three minutes until he ejaculated into my mouth and he told me not to spit it out but to swallow it. I remember right after I swallowed it I threw up into a wastebasket he had besides the bed. He then told me that there was a second step to saving my soul for disobeying and breaking gods commandment for dishonoring and disobeying my parents by running away. He then went to the bathroom and got a jar of vaseline. He first made me perform oral sex on him again to make him erect then he put some vaseline on his penis and made me get on my knees and then bend over. I could feel him put some of the vaseline on my anus and then he penetrated me. He made me say the Our Father and the Hail Mary while he was raping me. It took him a while but I could tell he ejaculated into me. He then made me go to the bathroom and clean myself up. He threw me this dark robe and made me put it on and made me go back to his bed and then he laid next to me and “spooned” with me.

I remember laying there, scared out of my wits. I pretended I was asleep but he reached around and again started playing with my penis. He masturbated me again and then told me if I ever told anyone what happened then I would burn in hell for it. He said the reason I was not to tell anyone is because this was what God wanted and he was a man of God and that I must never reveal the healing I received by taking his sacred sacrament into me. He said this had to be done because I disobeyed god and again broke his commandment for dishonoring my parents. He again told me to never tell anyone or I would burn in hell. He kept saying that over and over again, drilling it into my head that if I told anyone that I
would burn in hell. I did not sleep at all that night. I laid there scared senseless and kept thinking to myself this must be what god wanted of me for punishment and I had to do exactly what the priest told me to do or I would spend an eternity in hell.

The next day my social worker picked me up but I was so scared to tell her what happened because I honestly believed if I did, then I would go to hell. I also believed she would not believe me at all. It would have been my word, a person considered now a juvenile delinquent against the word of a priest. She knew something was wrong but from what she said, she thought it was because I had ran away from the foster home and was worried I would now have to go to jail, but she brought me to the Teen Haven shelter in Rochester NH.

Right after this I became a pyromaniac. I believe it was because of the nightmares I was having about my burning in hell. I set fire to the woods out behind the high school in Rochester, I burned down a house in Madbury but then I got into severe trouble by burning a truck in downtown Rochester. I got arrested for it the next day and was sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford N.H.

St Thomas Moore Parish, Durham NH Priestly perverts

In March of 1975 I was bought to the St Thomas Moore parish in Durham NH by a police officer because I had ran away from an abusive foster home. That night the priest who was there destroyed my life. He raped me. Here I was, a 14 year old boy, scared out of his wits. This priest who was supposed to protect me, to keep me safe for one night, decided his perversions were more important to him than my soul and life.

He drilled into my head that night that I was getting what I deserved because I had broken one of the ten commandments of honoring my mother and father and that I needed to be healed from this evil. He decided the way he would heal me was through my performing oral sex on him, him performing oral sex on me and then performing anal sex on me. He kept telling me I had to take his sacred sacrament to be healed from my sin.

All the while he was raping me, he kept telling me over and over again that no one would believe me, that if I told anyone I would spend an eternity in hell and that I had to say the Our Father and Hail Mary over and over again.

All I have to say to this priest and the parishioners of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH, is that one day, all of you will have to answer to your own God. The priest for his raping me and the parishioners for standing up for their church. You parishioners cannot even begin to understand the pain and holy horror we victims of your sick, disgusting, perverted priests perpetrated upon us.

You all just wish this scandal would go away and us victims just crawl back under the rocks we have hidden under in fear.

Well I will NOT go away. I will continue to shove this horror your priest perpetrated upon me in your faces.

The Parishioner of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH are just as guilty as this priest and all the others who have covered up this incredible evil.

The Nightmares and Substance Abuse

One of our problems being victims of priest sexual abuse is most of us resort to substance abuse to deal with the pain and horror we have to hide.

To understand our pain, you would have to understand the betrayal that was perpetrated upon us.

I was born and raised in the Roman Catholic Church, attending St Charles Catholic Church in Dover NH. I received my First Communion and Confession there. I also went to a catholic school until we had to start going to Horne Street because the school burned down. It is drilled into your head from the very beginning that the priest, nuns and all the officials of the Roman Catholic Church are like speaking directly to God himself. Those punishments of the penguins you hear about, the rapping of the knuckles with the rulers, or sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on are all true.  They controlled your life, you believed EVERYTHING they said to you and if you questioned them……well you just did not question them.

I will not get into it but I left home at the age of 13. I went from one group home to a couple of foster homes. The last foster home I was in was an incredibly abusive uptight, right wing southern baptist bible thumpers. I only stayed a week or so and ran away. I spent the night with two girls I grew up with and the next day the police department bought me to St Thomas Moore’s church in Durham until the social worker they had assigned me to got me into Teen Haven group home in Rochester NH the next day.

That night changed my life forever. I will not get into the particulars of the rape, except to say he made me perform oral and receive anal and oral from him. What I will talk about is the psychology of the rape. All the while he was assaulting me, he kept telling me to say the Our Father and the Hail Mary. He also told me over and over again that no one would believe me over his word as a priest. Then he told me if I ever did tell anyone I would die and go to hell. He gave me the reason for doing this to me was to cleanse me of breaking the commandment of honoring my mother and my father. I remember the whole time he was raping me I was screaming inside for God and Jesus Christ to stop him, I begged them to make him stop, but they did not hear my cries of pain and shame.  Now can you imagine this being done to you?

Here you are, confused, scared because even before I got to the church I was scared outta my wits because I did not know if they were going to send me to juvie in Manchester. Also I knew very well what he was saying was true. No one would ever believe me what he was doing to me. As for my going to hell, well, again, hell was VERY REAL to me even at that age. I grew up in the 60’s, imagine the reality of hell to a young roman catholic boy. Dante’s Inferno was real to me. Now I was being raped by a priest who was supposed to protect me for one single night, but he allowed his perversions and sexual needs to overcome his common sense.

This priest took total control of my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.

I want to share with you one of the nightmares I started suffering right after I did tell a friend at the boarding school I eventually ended up at.

I am walking through the mist and woods and find myself coming to a cemetery. I hear moaning but I think it is more the wind I hear going through the trees around me. I see a shadow, then another one, glimpses of ragged shapes in the fog and mist around me. All of a sudden I feel something brush against my right calf. Then something grabs both of my feet and pull them out from under me. I land in some type of stinky goop, not really mud, almost smelling like an well used outhouse. As I struggle to get out of it, I only sink more into it, it is almost like quick sand but the harder I try to fight it, the more I sink into the stink. As I do these dead, decayed arms reach out of it and grab around me. My legs, my waist, my arms and shoulders and head are pinned and slowly they start to pull me deeper into the goop.I remember looking up trying to take a deep breath for my lungs and as I do a few half rotten skulls come out of the goop and start to laugh this hysterical laugh. All I hear over their laughing is you are going to hell in the air around me.

I am dragged deeper and deeper into the goop. My nostrils, mouth and throat starts to fill with it. I am gagging and trying to breath but I can’t. I am not dying though, I know this, but I cannot breath and I only wish to die. It goes on for what seems like minutes. Eventually I come out of the bottom of the goop, straight into the very pits of hell itself. I am gasping for breath but all I get is heated air from the pit. There is fire and screaming and moaning and pain. I can feel it in every part of my being. My heart goes out to the pain and suffering I hear. My soul weeps for it all. I hear all kinds of sounds that scare the living daylights out of me. Sounds of torture and screams and cries of why, why?

I am seeing even children being tortured, all of them screaming and crying out for God and Jesus Christ to save them, just like I had done while the priest was raping me, yet even here too, these beings we all believed in and prayed to did not hear these young innocent cries of the children. I wept for them like I had never wept for anyone before. My tears are all hot from the fires and pain and horrors I am witnessing.

The heat of the fires are scorching me but not burning me. In a way the goop that is all over me protects me from the full heat of the blaze. All of a sudden three demons dressed as priests grab me and drag me to a room. There is an assembly of men, all of them from the rulers of the roman catholic church.

I cannot repeat the things they say to me or the things they did to me in that room. Suffice it to say that it is ten thousand times worse than what the priest did to me. I can only say think of the tortures and sadism of the Inquisitions That is just a small idea of what these perverts of religion did to me for speaking out against the evil they do. I still cannot deal with some of these nightmares. I think though you can use your own imagination with what I have already told you to understand why I cannot tell this part of the nightmare. It is still too painful, even after 34 years, they are still too painful to deal with yet.

When I wake up from one of these nightmares, I am covered in sweat and just twisted. The nightmares are very real to me. It is no wonder that I turned to drugs and alcohol to block these nightmares because it seemed these were the only substances that I could use to block them? Most of us victims of these priests do. It takes a lot of therapy to learn how to deal with nightmares like I have….and I know many other victims have of these perverted priests.

For decades I took any and all drugs and drank anything I could. My poisons were mostly weed, crown royal and molson ale. I remember some friend and I counted all the blue bags I had saved from the crown royal I drank in one year. It was over 200 bags. That is a lot of alcohol if you ask me considering I normally drank about a six pack or a 12 pack of molson with it. Plus all the weed I used to smoke. I prided myself on being able to out smoke and put anyone under the table. I remember smoking through a quarter pound of really boss herb in ten days and buying two more ounces and smoking that within another week.

I am now pretty much clean and sober. I really no longer drink. Maybe a six pack if I am lucky every four or so months. Heck I bought a bottle of smirnoff and peach snapps two new years ago and they still sit half drank in my fridge. I learned through my nature and wildlife photography, my love of nature and backpacking, that I can find other ways of “escaping” the pains of the past and looking at beauty again.

I lived in ugliness for many many decades. Through my nature and wildlife photography I have started finding the real beauty of the world around me again.

I also would love to ask his High Unholiness Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict, or many of the bishops and arch bishops and priests who did this to us children and teens, how they would feel to have even ONE of my nightmares, let alone where you have these kinds of nightmares over and over again for weeks at a time. Is it no wonder I became an insomniac? Is it no wonder why I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with all of this?

Right after this priest raped me I became a pyromaniac. I burned a lot of things. I even got arrested at 14, about two or three weeks later for burning a box truck at the railroad tracks right down from the Teen Haven group home which got me sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford New Hampshire.

I would also love to hear how sorry the Papal Bullshitter is right to my face. Yet he is too punk and believes that child pornography and sex between an adult and child is considered normal, his very own words he gave in his christmas address. If you do not believe this, just google it and you will see I am right.

So Papal Bullshitter, Pope Benedict, what do you say? Care to have a couple of my nightmares? Oh no I already know what your doom is. Seeing you protected those who harmed innocent children. Seeing you allowed these perversions to happen and covered it up. Seeing you do not care about the suffering of us children. Well you are going to be spending a long eternity in the very hell of the nightmares I have had to endure in my life. I see you in the goop Unhonorable Papal Bullshitter, with your bishops and priests all around you, getting more than pitchforks shoved up your anal cavities.