Category Archives: Guilt
Vatican approach to child abuse in Ireland absolutely disgraceful, says PM
Enda Kenny says laws being drawn up making it impossible for anyone to avoid obligation to report abuse allegations
Ireland’s prime minister has denounced the Vatican‘s approach to allegations of child abuse in the republic as absolutely disgraceful.
Enda Kenny said new laws are being drawn up that will make it impossible for anyone – even those high up in the Roman Catholic church – to avoid their obligations regarding reports of child abuse.
“The law of the land should not be stopped by crosier, or by collar,” Kenny said.
He added that he hopes the response from the Irish government to the Cloyne report will clarify to everyone that the law of the land applies in situations where appalling actions took place.
Kenny called on the Vatican to repeat its commitment that civil law should always be followed. The Irish Catholic church and the Vatican have faced severe criticism over repeated attempts to deal with incidents of abuse behind closed doors rather than by handing over suspects to the Garda Síochána.
The Irish deputy prime minister and foreign minister, Eamon Gilmore, met with the Vatican’s ambassador to Ireland to discuss the report’s findings.
“There’s one law in this country. Everybody is going to have to learn to comply with it. The Vatican will have to comply with the laws of this country,” Gilmore said after the meeting.
Gilmore said the report would be debated in the House next Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on the availability of ministers and spokespersons.
He said the failure of the church to co-operate with the law was one of the greatest problems and that the coalition government was determined that there would be consequences for any institution which failed to work with the legal authorities of the state when it came to child abuse.
The Socialist party’s Joe Higgins said people were “throwing their hands in the air” at the revelations in the Cloyne report.
Irish PM’s attack on Catholic church a ‘wake-up call’, says archbishop
Diarmuid Martin, archbishop of Dublin, speaks after Enda Kenny accuses Vatican of downplaying abuse of Irish children by clerics
Henry McDonald in Dublin
guardian.co.uk, Thursday 21 July 2011 05.44 EDT
The archbishop of Dublin has said the Irish prime minister’s attack on the Catholic church following a report on child sex abuse in the country should be a wake-up call for clergymen.
He said the recent Cloyne report had exposed an attempt by the holy see to frustrate the inquiry into child sex abuse just three years ago and illuminated the “dysfunction” and the elitism still dominant in the Vatican.
Archbishop Diarmuid Martin – close to tears in an interview on RTE Television – said the only way all allegations, abuse and cover-ups could be exposed was through invasive audits of each diocese. “I’m very disappointed, annoyed,” he said.
“What do you do when you’ve got groups, whether in the Vatican or in Ireland, who try to undermine what is being done or simply refuse to understand what has been done?”
The archbishop said the diocese of Cloyne had ignored Vatican policy issued in 2001 by the then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict.
“What does that say? What sort of a cabal is this that is in there [Cloyne]?” He added: “If they think that by not getting at the truth they are helping the church, the statement in today’s Dail should teach them a lesson.”
Kenny had told the parliament that the Vatican seemed more interested in upholding the power and reputation of the Catholic church than in confronting the abuse of Irish children by its priests and religious orders.
He said that the Vatican’s attitude to investigations in Cloyne, which covers county Cork, was the “polar opposite of the radicalism, the humility and the compassion that the church had been founded on”.
He said the rape and torture of children had been downplayed, or managed, to uphold instead the institution with its power and reputation.
One of the most damning findings of the report was that the diocese failed to report nine out of 15 complaints made against priests, which “very clearly should have been reported”.
This latest report, coming after a string of inquiries into Catholic clerical sex abuse across Ireland, has set the present Irish government on a collision course with the church not only in the republic but at its global headquarters in the Vatican City.
Vatican spokesman Fr Federico Lombardi, speaking in a personal capacity, had said that there was nothing in the advice given by the papal nuncio to Ireland in 1997 to encourage bishops to break Irish laws.
He said that the Vatican’s advice to Irish bishops on child protection policies could not be interpreted as an invitation to cover up abuse cases.
This drew sharp criticism from Ireland’s justice minister, Alan Shatter, who described the Vatican spokesman’s argument as disingenous. Some Irish parliamentarians have called on the Fine Gael-Labour coalition to expel the papal nuncio from Ireland in protest at the Vatican’s attittude to the allegations in the Cloyne diocese.
Cardinal Dolan, after reading the article about how you feel betrayed that NY passed the gay marriage law, I have a major bone to pick with you. First off I classify your sorry ass with his High Unholiness the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict Arnold. As a former Roman Catholic, I am going to tear you a new one right here on my blog.
This is the link to the article I am about to tear him a new one for: http://gothamist.com/2012/03/12/cardinal_dolan_still_sore_about_gay.php
What gets me the most about this apologist for pedophile priests and his Papal Bullshitter, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, is what he stated in the end of this damnable article:
“Dolan also explained that he wanted to keep the statute of limitations for child sex abuse victims to one-year, because if the church gets sued, “The perpetrators don’t suffer. There’s no burden on them. What suffers are the services and the ministries of the apostolates that we’re doing now. Because where does the money come from? So the bishops of 30 years ago that allegedly may have reassigned abusers, they don’t suffer. They’re dead. So the people that suffer are those who are being served right now by the church. We feel that’s a terribly unjust burden.”
WHAT ABOUT THE SUFFERING OF US VICTIMS OF YOUR PERVERTED PEDOPHILE PRIESTS? THIS CHILD MOLESTING CHURCH OF PERVERTS SHOULD FREAKING SUFFER. YOUR CONGREGANTS SHOULD ALSO SUFFER BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPPORTING YOUR SORRY, CHILD MOLESTING ASSES.
OH AND WHY DO THE BISHOPS WHO REASSIGNED THE ABUSERS AND THE PRIESTS WHO MOLESTED US NOT SUFFER? BECAUSE YOUR SORRY ASS, ALONG WITH YOUR PERVERTED POPE, AND THE REST OF YOUR CHURCH LEADERS, PROTECTED THEM ABOVE THE VICTIMS!!!!
HOW FREAKING DARE YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE IT HARD FOR US VICTIMS OF YOUR PERVERTED PRIESTS TO GET COMPENSATION FOR OUR RUINED LIVES? YOU EVIL TOOL OF SATAN. YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR PERVERTED PAPAL BULLSHITTER POPE BECAUSE YOU FREAKING CARE MORE ABOUT COVERING YOUR ASSES, PROTECTING THE ASSETS OF THE CHURCH, AND PROTECTING YOUR SHEEPLE SO YOU CAN CONTINUE TO FLEECE YOUR FLOCK OF THE BILLIONS YOU RAKE IN EACH YEAR AT THE OFFERING PLATES.
IN MY BOOK, YOU DOLAN, DESERVE TO DIE A PAINFUL, INCREDIBLY SUFFERING DEATH. I HOPE THAT YOU GET CANCER OF YOUR MOUTH, THROAT, LUNGS, RECTUM AND STOMACH, ALONG WITH YOUR PAPAL BULLSHITTER, ALL YOUR RAPIST PEDOPHILE PRIESTS AND ALL THE ONES WHO COVERED THIS UP. I PRAY THAT YOU DIE A LINGERING DEATH, FULL OF HORROR AND PAIN. RIGHT ALONGSIDE YOUR PAPAL BULLSHITTER POPE. YOUR PERVERTED PRIESTS RAPED US ONCE AND NOW YOU ARE SEEKING TO RAPE US AGAIN. I SINCERELY HOPE YOU SUFFER THE PAINS OF DEATH AND WHEN YOU GET TO HELL, WHERE YOU BELONG, I KNOW THAT YOUR JESUS CHRIST HAS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL RESERVED JUST FOR YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR KIND CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN, PAPAL BULLSHITTER BENEDICT AND THE REST OF YOU PEDOPHILE PERVERTS.
I WILL BET THAT YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR SICK AND TWISTED PERVERTED POPE AND BELIEVE THAT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IS NORMAL AND SEX BETWEEN AN ADULT AND CHILD IS NOT EVIL TOO????
YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN OF GOD? YOU ARE NOT A MAN OF GOD, YOU ARE AN INSTRUMENT OF EVIL AND A TOOL OF SATAN AND YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AGAINST US CHILDREN WHO WERE RAPED BY YOUR PERVERTED, TWISTED, SICK PRIESTS. YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER ONE HUNDRED TIMES OVER FOR THE HARM YOU HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST US VICTIMS OF YOUR PEDOPHILE PRIESTS. I AM NOW A PAGAN AND I FIRMLY BELIEVE IN THE LAW OF KARMA, BUT TO ME IT IS AS YOU DO, SO SHALL YOU REAP, THREE TIMES THREE. YOU DESERVE IT DOLAN, FOR DOING ALL YOU CAN TO PROTECT YOUR CHURCH AND RAPE US VICTIMS OF YOUR PEDOPHILE PRIESTS AGAIN.
I had ran away from the foster home I was living at in March of 1975. I spent the night with a couple of friends whom I knew when I was growing up named Tammy and Pammy and the next afternoon the police picked me up and brought me to St Thomas More parish in Durham for the night until my social services case worker could get me a new place to live.
I remember it was still light outside and the priest bought me into the rectory and to his bedroom. I remember the bed, it had a large, dark stained headboard of solid wood, it was solid and had a curve on the top with two posts attached and the lower foot board was the same way only shorter and coming up to the top edge of the mattress. There was a dark wool blanket and two pillows. There were two night stands, one with a lamp and a window with a white curtains inside with a darker curtain outside. The priest told me that I was a bad person that running away from home and it was a sin in God’s eyes because I broke the commandment of honoring my mother and father. He told me that I would have to do what he said to remove the sin from my life and save my soul from eternal damnation for breaking one of the ten commandments.
He took off his clothes and made me take off mine. I remember he had a slight paunch belly that was covered in sort of both gray and brown hair. He had me lay on the bed and he started masturbating me. I begged him to stop but he told me that I had to pay for my sins and this was the way God wanted me to pay for it. Once I was erect, which was disgusting to me, he then proceeded to give me oral sex. I remember the whole time he did it I was crying and begging him to stop but he kept on doing it and I felt so ashamed. I could not will my body to stop from even having an erection and I felt incredibly ashamed when I did ejaculate in his mouth. I really started to cry then and thought it was now over but he then told me I had to do to him just as he did to me. He told me what he had done was taken the sin from me and now to be cleansed of my sin, I had to take what he called his sacred sacrament. I begged him to not make me do it, but he then asked me if I wanted to spend an eternity in hell because if I did not do to him what he just did to me and take his sacred sacrament then that is where I was going to go.
I remember he had a small penis and even though I was disgusted, I did not want to go to hell like he told me. I closed my eyes, crying all the time and did what he told me to do. I remember I did try to bite him but he told me if I did that again he would punish me severely. It did not take long, maybe two or three minutes until he ejaculated into my mouth and he told me not to spit it out but to swallow it. I remember right after I swallowed it I threw up into a wastebasket he had besides the bed. He then told me that there was a second step to saving my soul for disobeying and breaking gods commandment for dishonoring and disobeying my parents by running away. He then went to the bathroom and got a jar of vaseline. He first made me perform oral sex on him again to make him erect then he put some vaseline on his penis and made me get on my knees and then bend over. I could feel him put some of the vaseline on my anus and then he penetrated me. He made me say the Our Father and the Hail Mary while he was raping me. It took him a while but I could tell he ejaculated into me. He then made me go to the bathroom and clean myself up. He threw me this dark robe and made me put it on and made me go back to his bed and then he laid next to me and “spooned” with me.
I remember laying there, scared out of my wits. I pretended I was asleep but he reached around and again started playing with my penis. He masturbated me again and then told me if I ever told anyone what happened then I would burn in hell for it. He said the reason I was not to tell anyone is because this was what God wanted and he was a man of God and that I must never reveal the healing I received by taking his sacred sacrament into me. He said this had to be done because I disobeyed god and again broke his commandment for dishonoring my parents. He again told me to never tell anyone or I would burn in hell. He kept saying that over and over again, drilling it into my head that if I told anyone that I
would burn in hell. I did not sleep at all that night. I laid there scared senseless and kept thinking to myself this must be what god wanted of me for punishment and I had to do exactly what the priest told me to do or I would spend an eternity in hell.
The next day my social worker picked me up but I was so scared to tell her what happened because I honestly believed if I did, then I would go to hell. I also believed she would not believe me at all. It would have been my word, a person considered now a juvenile delinquent against the word of a priest. She knew something was wrong but from what she said, she thought it was because I had ran away from the foster home and was worried I would now have to go to jail, but she brought me to the Teen Haven shelter in Rochester NH.
Right after this I became a pyromaniac. I believe it was because of the nightmares I was having about my burning in hell. I set fire to the woods out behind the high school in Rochester, I burned down a house in Madbury but then I got into severe trouble by burning a truck in downtown Rochester. I got arrested for it the next day and was sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford N.H.
One of the major problems with priest rape victims is our ability to trust. As I stated before, I grew up in the Roman Catholic Church. To me a priest, nun or any other official of the RCC were god to us. It was as if god himself was talking to us through them. You also obeyed these priests, nuns and church leaders without question or backtalk. They wanted you to do something you did it immediately without question. If you argued with the priest or the nun, then you normally found out even when they were wrong, you just allowed them to be right if you know what I mean.
Because of this, I was truly unable to trust anyone, especially in any relationship I found myself into. With the mother of my first son, she was incredibly abusive. That is something else I have learned in therapy. We sort of attract these kinds of people into our lives because we believe these are the kinds of people we only deserve to have in our lives.
We broke up because she smashed me in the face with a cordless phone so hard she cracked the casing of the phone. I got up and slapped her in the face, the first time I had ever hit a woman in my whole life. I became totally distraught. That night was the end for us. After we broke up the nightmares started coming back from the priest. My life really started going to hell in a handbasket. The old tapes came back. I was evil. I deserved this. God hated me therefor I hated god. It was a viscous cycle of “evil” return. I deserved this because the priest called me an evil child, a child of the devil. That I disobeyed god’s commandments about my parents and therefor for the rest of my life I would be punished for it.
December 17th, 1991 was one night in which I will never forget. The next day was my birthday. I missed my son so much. I had not seen him in months. His mother and maternal grandmother were making my life a living hell. I started drinking that morning almost as soon as I got up. I then went to take care of the guy I was working with who was a paraplegic. I stole all of his darvocets and some other pill I knew he used to stop the pain he was going through.
I went to a restaurant/bar to have what I believed would be my last meal. Fried shrimp, french fries and drank six Molsons. I ran into a friend outside the bar and we went to toke a joint. He told me he would stop by tomorrow and we would do something but I believe I told him that I would not be around after tomorrow, that this was my last night on earth and told him good bye.
On my walk home all the old evil tapes kept running in my head. I was actually looking for a reason for me to continue living but I couldn’t. I came to the conclusion the priest was right all along. I was evil, a child of the devil. No matter what I did to correct this, I would always be evil. I would always lose what I love the most and my son to me was my life, my will to live. It finally came to me that he would never be in my life because god did not want my evil in his life.
I got home and I lined up all the pills. I also poured me a shot of Crown Royal. I remember taking each pill. I looked at each of them before I popped them into my mouth. I would tell each pill to do their work. I remember taking almost all of them. I drank another shot and waited for the pills to take their effect. About a half an hour later I started taking the last ones I had because I had not gone to sleep yet. All of a sudden I heard a knock on the door and it was two police officers. My friend had called the cops because he was worried about me. I saw the cops and I walked over, took down the picture of my son and ran into what would have been his bedroom. I know I was sitting there crying my eyes out hugging the picture screaming how I wanted to just be allowed to die. That I was evil and I did not deserve to live. The police were incredible though. They waited til I semi-passed out, picked me up and bought me down to the waiting ambulance. I remember they had to walk me down the steps because the gurney would not fit up the stairs. As I was laid down on the gurney I remember looking up and seeing the mother of my sons police officer uncle and I thought he was laughing at me being a failure.
I woke up in the ICU. My stomach had been pumped out from all the pills I had swallowed. When I talked to the psychiatrist I did not tell him that what happened with priest was more the catalyst for what I had done than anything else, but I just told him this was all about my son. They gave me a choice. Either I check myself in or they would do what is called a Baker Act on me so I checked myself in because then I could check myself out whenever I wished to. I stayed til almost new years in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I knew the whole time as soon as they let me out I would do my best to kill myself again. I played their game just so they would let me out.
About three days after they let me out I purchased a whole bunch of Valiums. I bought 10 val 10 grams and 3 val 15 mg. I also bought a pint of smirnoffs 100 proof vodka. I bought a small bag of pot too. I went to the store across the street and bought me my last dinner. I made me a meat loaf but did not eat it. I had already drank the pint of vodka and went and bought another pint. I then got home, took out a highball glass, put all the Valiums into the glass and poured vodka over it, letting it dissolve all the pills. I then drank it down in one drink. There was a little sediment left in the glass so I poured some more vodka into it, swirled it around and drank it down.
It did not take long for it to start to take effect. Yet there was a knock on my door. This time it was Angie, a female friend of mine. I do not remember much from that night, except for what she told me about a week later.
She told me she felt she urgently needed to come to my place, that something was terribly wrong. She said when she got to my place, I was almost gone then. She said I was crying and screaming how evil I was and how I just wanted to die. She told me I talked about the priest, how he was right and I was a child of the devil. That no matter what my life was going to be crap so just let me die. When she bought up my son as the biggest reason to live, she told me that he was not my son cause the devil would not have such a good son as he was.
She told me I passed out numerous times, but she would bring me to the shower, turn it on ice cold and toss me in. At one point I got so angry with her interference that I slammed my head on the coffee table as hard as I could so apparently I could split my head open. She said I ran to the kitchen to get a knife but she knocked it out of my hand.
The next day I woke up on the couch, still alive. Angie was gone.
To this day I still cannot understand why I am still alive. I should be dead. The first pill suicide episode should have killed me but it did not. The second should have definitely killed me, but Angie the Angel showed up. Many other times I have attempted suicide should have killed me but did not. I remember one time attempting to hang myself and the damn rope breaking.
Why am I still here? I have come to realize that it is because I must be here. I must stand up and take back the life this priest stole from me. That I must learn that what this priest drilled into my young head is an out and out lie. I am NOT EVIL, I am NOT a child of the devil. This priest put that into my head and it does not belong there.
The way I look at it now is, these perverted priests do this so we victims would in fact eventually kill ourselves. They in effect are murderers in my book. Any of their victims commit suicide because of these perverted priests actions are just as guilty of murder as if they pulled the trigger or fed the pills to their victims themselves. So is the Papal Bullshitter, his High Unholiness the Pope and all those who covered this up. All of these victims deaths are on your hands, heads and souls. YOUR actions killed these people.
I am one of the lucky ones. By all rights I should be dead. My life was saved for some reason. No, to me it was not god, jesus christ or any of that bullshit that saved my life. It was the Universe and the Gods and Goddesses of Old. It was my Godmother who continues to watch over me from the other side. I am here for a reason. To take back my life, to take back my soul, to take back my mind and heart, from this evil priest, his perverted bosses and most especially to reclaim that which was stolen from me from this perverted church and it’s leaders.
His Unholiness, the Papal Bullshitter, Pope Benedict, said he wanted to do all he could to make sure the church took care of us victims. Yet he is full of shit plain and simple. He is more concerned with protecting his own damn ass and the church than he ever was protecting children from the perverted priests he has running his churches.
By his own damn words he convicts himself as one of the true perverts of the Roman Catholic Church. I am copying this report directly from http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/popersquos-child-porn-normal-claim-sparks-outrage-among-victims-15035449.html#ixzz1p7tlkhj3 and I am going to make comments as the sections go.
Victims of clerical sex abuse have reacted furiously to Pope Benedict’s claim yesterday that paedophilia wasn’t considered an “absolute evil” as recently as the 1970s.
In his traditional Christmas address yesterday to cardinals and officials working in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI also claimed that child pornography was increasingly considered “normal” by society.
How dare you, you sick and disgusting pervert leader of the Roman Catholic Church to claim that child pornography was considered “normal” by society. Which freaking society are YOU living in you sick and twisted pervert? I don’t know about you, but in the United States of America, you possess child pornography, YOU GO TO PRISON FOR IT, so is that normal to YOU, your Unholiness?
“In the 1970s, paedophilia was theorised as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the Pope said.
This just goes to show this pope more than likely molested children himself. He protects his child molesting priests, so what makes me think, with his reasoning and his words, that he himself does not molest children? How in the hell can he even call himself a man of god when he agrees that child porn and sex between an adult and children as normal and in full conformity? You are one sick and twisted individual Pope to be saying this crap out of your pie hole.
The Pope said abuse revelations in 2010 reached “an unimaginable dimension” which brought “humiliation” on the Church.
The ONLY humiliation that has been bought on the church is us victims. You could give two shits less about the victims, your Unholiness. You only care about protecting your ass, the asses of your pedophile priests and the billions the church has. You do not care one iota about us victims of your sick and twisted priests.
Asking how abuse exploded within the Church, the Pontiff called on senior clerics “to repair as much as possible the injustices that occurred” and to help victims heal through a better presentation of the Christian message.
First off how did this abuse explode within the church? Because the leaders knew about it and they freaking hid it. When they knew a priest was sexually abusing a child, what did they do? Did they turn them into the police department for prosecution like they should have? NO. Did they defrock the priest? NO. Did they bend over backwards to help the victim? HELL NO. What they did, these marvelous church leaders, including the present perverted Papal Bullshitter Benedict, was transfer these priests to other parishes so they could continue raping and molesting other children.
The leaders fought any and all attempts to bring this to light and they did everything they could to avoid prosecution of these priests and the leaders who covered it all up. They still are doing this. Yeah for about one year when this really broke out, they worked with the victims, mostly offering them as recompense for the horrors we went through, to pay for therapy and if the victim was lucky, they got about 20 grand for their ruined lives.
N.H. is a prime example of this. There was a Bishop named McConnell who actually cared about the victims and did what he could for them. Yet the Pope and all the other officials hate these kinds of Bishops. They want them to settle with the victims as little as possible.
Yet what price do you put on the pain and suffering we victims have been through?
I know what I am demanding. $25,000.00 per year for pain and suffering for 37 years of horror and nightmares, For all the suicide attempts and my undying hatred towards the christians and the christian god. I am also demanding $15,000.00 per year for 34 years for lost wages. Plus they are going to pay my lawyers fees and any and all money paid back to Social Security and Medicaid/Medicare for all the money they spent thanks to my insanity caused by the priest raping me. I am also demanding that the Roman Catholic Church set up at least six half way houses for abused men. Abused women have all the help they can get, but abused men have no where to turn to for real help. Well the RCC is going to help me rectify this at least in the state of NH. Either they settle for what I want or I will take their sorry asses to court and let a jury award me ten times this amount.
What better presentation will be the christian message? That the Papal Bullshitter, his bishops and priests can get away with raping children, covering it up, torturing us victims with your false bullshit? I do not want to hear a better presentation of the Christian message because as far as I am concerned, your Christian message is that you are special in that you can rape children with no punishment at all and think your god and jesus christ can protect you and when you die you are going to spend an eternity in heaven???? Bullshit, Papal Bullshitter, you, your bishops and your perverted priests will burn in hell for what you did to us children.
“We cannot remain silent about the context of these times in which these events have come to light,” he said, citing the growth of child pornography “that seems in some way to be considered more and more normal by society” he said.
Standing on the swinging bridge with the noose around my neck I was thinking of reasons why I should not jump off the bridge. It was one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen and it would be my last thing I saw, so how could I not just jump and get it all over with.
See I was tired of life again. This would make the seventh serious attempt at ending my life since the priest raped me in 1975. I believed him. I believed I was evil and god did not want me any more. I remember when the priest was raping me I was begging and crying to god and jesus christ to make him stop. Maybe this priest was right. I deserved what I was getting from him. Ever since I told my friend at Austin Cate Academy what happened to me by this priest, I felt my whole life was doomed. Why should I continue to live? Why don’t I just end it and go to that hell the priest had consigned my soul so very long ago?
I threw my left leg over the rope railing of the bridge when someone screamed: It is not your time yet. I turned and there was this blond woman at the end of the bridge. She ran over and told me to talk to her. I did not want to, all I wanted to do was jump. Especially after she bought up the name of Jesus Christ. When she did that I got royal livid pissed at her and I started screaming at her how much I hated Jesus Christ and god and christians and religion. I let it all out. I took all of my pent up anger out on her. I thoroughly trashed her, her christian beliefs, and everything else.
She took everything I threw at her. She just kept on smiling. That just pissed me off even more. I really started to go overboard, trashing her again, I told her if I was a woman I would wipe that smile off of her face.
Then she said something that stunned me. She told me all the hate I had towards her and jesus christ, they had one hundred times more love for me. That really blew me away. I talked to her then. I stopped screaming at her. I even stopped hating her.
We talked for a while and then she left. She took the rope just in case. I left the Dolly Copp area that day and two days later contacted mental health and started therapy.
Yes, suicide seems to be the only option sometimes for my life. Yet I am still here. I am trying to figure out why. I still haven’t come up with an answer to it.
In March of 1975 I was bought to the St Thomas Moore parish in Durham NH by a police officer because I had ran away from an abusive foster home. That night the priest who was there destroyed my life. He raped me. Here I was, a 14 year old boy, scared out of his wits. This priest who was supposed to protect me, to keep me safe for one night, decided his perversions were more important to him than my soul and life.
He drilled into my head that night that I was getting what I deserved because I had broken one of the ten commandments of honoring my mother and father and that I needed to be healed from this evil. He decided the way he would heal me was through my performing oral sex on him, him performing oral sex on me and then performing anal sex on me. He kept telling me I had to take his sacred sacrament to be healed from my sin.
All the while he was raping me, he kept telling me over and over again that no one would believe me, that if I told anyone I would spend an eternity in hell and that I had to say the Our Father and Hail Mary over and over again.
All I have to say to this priest and the parishioners of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH, is that one day, all of you will have to answer to your own God. The priest for his raping me and the parishioners for standing up for their church. You parishioners cannot even begin to understand the pain and holy horror we victims of your sick, disgusting, perverted priests perpetrated upon us.
You all just wish this scandal would go away and us victims just crawl back under the rocks we have hidden under in fear.
Well I will NOT go away. I will continue to shove this horror your priest perpetrated upon me in your faces.
The Parishioner of St Thomas Moore’s Parish in Durham NH are just as guilty as this priest and all the others who have covered up this incredible evil.
SPIRITUAL PEOPLE INSPIRE ME
RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME
In my life and struggles dealing with my hatred of god, jesus christ and all things religious, I have found my own spiritual path. I have come to find there is a difference between the religious and the spiritual. The religious are all around us and we see and hear them screaming their hatreds against anyone and everyone who is not like them.
The three main religions in this world, Christianity, Muslim and Jewish have spilled more innocent blood than all the Pagan religions combined. Out of these three, Christianity is responsible for the slaughter of millions of innocent men, women and children throughout the centuries. The Inquisitions, the Crusades, the invasions of the North and South American continents, even the Black Plagues may be directly attributed to the Christian religious.
I came to hate the Christian God and Jesus Christ because they did not hear my cries of pain and grief as the priest from St Thomas Moore’s church in Durham New Hampshire raping me. I will admit afterwards I desecrated churches when I could. I would urinate and defecate on church steps and even did so inside one church during christmas eve services. I would spit on the cross and toss urine on it. I even joined Satanists for a while in my complete and utter rebellion against Christianity. As much as I once loved God and Jesus Christ and the church with all of my heart and soul, now I hated it ten times more.
I remember even at times I tried to come back to the church. I walked away each time in disgust. The religious truly controls these churches and the spiritual are told to conform to the gossip hours after mass during coffee and donate all your money and time. Then you find out the priests are just as much hypocrites as they always are and get caught in some kind of scandal.
I returned to Pagan roots. Not the quasi, fluffy bunny of the Neo Pagans and Wiccans, but taking the title of Wytche, I reconnected with the Mother Earth. I became a nature photographer and that is where I started seeing true beauty again. I am still on this path, a spiritual one and not a religious one.
I have sort of come half circle with my hatred and anger towards the Christian God and Jesus Christ. I will NEVER bow down my knee to this god if it is real. As for Jesus Christ, He has shown me that I need not hate Him for what this perverted priest and the religious have done in his name. I have come to realize that Jesus Christ was an incredible avatar and bringer of love, peace, forgiveness and hope. Jesus Christ knows I will never go back to the religion that bears his name. Yet I will take his lessons and use them for my life and combine them with my new found reverence for all life through learning from my hiking and nature photography.
I have actually come to the point of forgiving the priest who raped me. I need to see this man yet the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict and his ilk are doing everything they now can to sweep us victims under the rug again. From what my lawyer told me, they took the one Bishop and investigator who actually cared about the victims here in New Hampshire and shipped him off somewhere. We now have a new one and heaven knows what this one is all about. All I know is they are basically offering cheap assed settlements and we have to shut our mouths.
Well what price to you put on this kind of pain and suffering? What price do you put on the unholy horror that my life became thanks to this perverted priest and his bosses?
Pope Benedict, I insult you because to me you are no pope, let alone a man of God. You are evil in my book because you want to protect your stupid religion more than you want to truly admit that this is evil and truly do something about it. YOU Pope Benedict perpetuate this evil and I know through Jesus Christ that when our ends come, it is YOU who will spend an eternity in hell while I will not. See I have already done my time in hell, thanks to your priest. I see heaven in my afterlife.
One of our problems being victims of priest sexual abuse is most of us resort to substance abuse to deal with the pain and horror we have to hide.
To understand our pain, you would have to understand the betrayal that was perpetrated upon us.
I was born and raised in the Roman Catholic Church, attending St Charles Catholic Church in Dover NH. I received my First Communion and Confession there. I also went to a catholic school until we had to start going to Horne Street because the school burned down. It is drilled into your head from the very beginning that the priest, nuns and all the officials of the Roman Catholic Church are like speaking directly to God himself. Those punishments of the penguins you hear about, the rapping of the knuckles with the rulers, or sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on are all true. They controlled your life, you believed EVERYTHING they said to you and if you questioned them……well you just did not question them.
I will not get into it but I left home at the age of 13. I went from one group home to a couple of foster homes. The last foster home I was in was an incredibly abusive uptight, right wing southern baptist bible thumpers. I only stayed a week or so and ran away. I spent the night with two girls I grew up with and the next day the police department bought me to St Thomas Moore’s church in Durham until the social worker they had assigned me to got me into Teen Haven group home in Rochester NH the next day.
That night changed my life forever. I will not get into the particulars of the rape, except to say he made me perform oral and receive anal and oral from him. What I will talk about is the psychology of the rape. All the while he was assaulting me, he kept telling me to say the Our Father and the Hail Mary. He also told me over and over again that no one would believe me over his word as a priest. Then he told me if I ever did tell anyone I would die and go to hell. He gave me the reason for doing this to me was to cleanse me of breaking the commandment of honoring my mother and my father. I remember the whole time he was raping me I was screaming inside for God and Jesus Christ to stop him, I begged them to make him stop, but they did not hear my cries of pain and shame. Now can you imagine this being done to you?
Here you are, confused, scared because even before I got to the church I was scared outta my wits because I did not know if they were going to send me to juvie in Manchester. Also I knew very well what he was saying was true. No one would ever believe me what he was doing to me. As for my going to hell, well, again, hell was VERY REAL to me even at that age. I grew up in the 60’s, imagine the reality of hell to a young roman catholic boy. Dante’s Inferno was real to me. Now I was being raped by a priest who was supposed to protect me for one single night, but he allowed his perversions and sexual needs to overcome his common sense.
This priest took total control of my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.
I want to share with you one of the nightmares I started suffering right after I did tell a friend at the boarding school I eventually ended up at.
I am walking through the mist and woods and find myself coming to a cemetery. I hear moaning but I think it is more the wind I hear going through the trees around me. I see a shadow, then another one, glimpses of ragged shapes in the fog and mist around me. All of a sudden I feel something brush against my right calf. Then something grabs both of my feet and pull them out from under me. I land in some type of stinky goop, not really mud, almost smelling like an well used outhouse. As I struggle to get out of it, I only sink more into it, it is almost like quick sand but the harder I try to fight it, the more I sink into the stink. As I do these dead, decayed arms reach out of it and grab around me. My legs, my waist, my arms and shoulders and head are pinned and slowly they start to pull me deeper into the goop.I remember looking up trying to take a deep breath for my lungs and as I do a few half rotten skulls come out of the goop and start to laugh this hysterical laugh. All I hear over their laughing is you are going to hell in the air around me.
I am dragged deeper and deeper into the goop. My nostrils, mouth and throat starts to fill with it. I am gagging and trying to breath but I can’t. I am not dying though, I know this, but I cannot breath and I only wish to die. It goes on for what seems like minutes. Eventually I come out of the bottom of the goop, straight into the very pits of hell itself. I am gasping for breath but all I get is heated air from the pit. There is fire and screaming and moaning and pain. I can feel it in every part of my being. My heart goes out to the pain and suffering I hear. My soul weeps for it all. I hear all kinds of sounds that scare the living daylights out of me. Sounds of torture and screams and cries of why, why?
I am seeing even children being tortured, all of them screaming and crying out for God and Jesus Christ to save them, just like I had done while the priest was raping me, yet even here too, these beings we all believed in and prayed to did not hear these young innocent cries of the children. I wept for them like I had never wept for anyone before. My tears are all hot from the fires and pain and horrors I am witnessing.
The heat of the fires are scorching me but not burning me. In a way the goop that is all over me protects me from the full heat of the blaze. All of a sudden three demons dressed as priests grab me and drag me to a room. There is an assembly of men, all of them from the rulers of the roman catholic church.
I cannot repeat the things they say to me or the things they did to me in that room. Suffice it to say that it is ten thousand times worse than what the priest did to me. I can only say think of the tortures and sadism of the Inquisitions That is just a small idea of what these perverts of religion did to me for speaking out against the evil they do. I still cannot deal with some of these nightmares. I think though you can use your own imagination with what I have already told you to understand why I cannot tell this part of the nightmare. It is still too painful, even after 34 years, they are still too painful to deal with yet.
When I wake up from one of these nightmares, I am covered in sweat and just twisted. The nightmares are very real to me. It is no wonder that I turned to drugs and alcohol to block these nightmares because it seemed these were the only substances that I could use to block them? Most of us victims of these priests do. It takes a lot of therapy to learn how to deal with nightmares like I have….and I know many other victims have of these perverted priests.
For decades I took any and all drugs and drank anything I could. My poisons were mostly weed, crown royal and molson ale. I remember some friend and I counted all the blue bags I had saved from the crown royal I drank in one year. It was over 200 bags. That is a lot of alcohol if you ask me considering I normally drank about a six pack or a 12 pack of molson with it. Plus all the weed I used to smoke. I prided myself on being able to out smoke and put anyone under the table. I remember smoking through a quarter pound of really boss herb in ten days and buying two more ounces and smoking that within another week.
I am now pretty much clean and sober. I really no longer drink. Maybe a six pack if I am lucky every four or so months. Heck I bought a bottle of smirnoff and peach snapps two new years ago and they still sit half drank in my fridge. I learned through my nature and wildlife photography, my love of nature and backpacking, that I can find other ways of “escaping” the pains of the past and looking at beauty again.
I lived in ugliness for many many decades. Through my nature and wildlife photography I have started finding the real beauty of the world around me again.
I also would love to ask his High Unholiness Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict, or many of the bishops and arch bishops and priests who did this to us children and teens, how they would feel to have even ONE of my nightmares, let alone where you have these kinds of nightmares over and over again for weeks at a time. Is it no wonder I became an insomniac? Is it no wonder why I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with all of this?
Right after this priest raped me I became a pyromaniac. I burned a lot of things. I even got arrested at 14, about two or three weeks later for burning a box truck at the railroad tracks right down from the Teen Haven group home which got me sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford New Hampshire.
I would also love to hear how sorry the Papal Bullshitter is right to my face. Yet he is too punk and believes that child pornography and sex between an adult and child is considered normal, his very own words he gave in his christmas address. If you do not believe this, just google it and you will see I am right.
So Papal Bullshitter, Pope Benedict, what do you say? Care to have a couple of my nightmares? Oh no I already know what your doom is. Seeing you protected those who harmed innocent children. Seeing you allowed these perversions to happen and covered it up. Seeing you do not care about the suffering of us children. Well you are going to be spending a long eternity in the very hell of the nightmares I have had to endure in my life. I see you in the goop Unhonorable Papal Bullshitter, with your bishops and priests all around you, getting more than pitchforks shoved up your anal cavities.