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Nightmares and why you should never tell a priest rape victim they are going to hell


One of the most evil things you can ever say to a victim/survivor of priest sexual abuse is telling them that because they no longer believe in God or Jesus Christ that they are going to burn in hell. To me this is evil because it reminds me exactly of what the perverted priest at St Thomas More parish in Durham NH said to me that night he spent raping my body and torturing my heart, mind and soul. See he told me again and again that if I told anyone I would burn in hell for all eternity. So can you understand why you should NEVER tell a priest rape victim/survivor that because they no longer believe in your God or Jesus Christ that they will end up in hell?

See for almost 38 years now I have had to deal with some of the most horrifying nightmares you can imagine.

First they started out where I would see the whole world destroying itself. I would see myself driving over the Spaulding Turnpike’s bridge at Hilton Park and all of a sudden the bridge would collapse. The river was boiling and roiling. It was blood red. Then the earth caught fire and I would then see the whole world literally explode into a billion pieces.

Then the nightmares changed. I think they started changing right after I told my buddy John in school about what happened to me. They would start by my taking a trip to hell. In these nightmares, they were as real as you can ever imagine. I can feel the heat, the flames, I can smell the smoke and sulphur. I can hear the cries and screams of the damned. Then the priest who raped me and a group of priests, popes and bishops would start to gang rape me. I can feel it all in the nightmares. I can feel them inside of me, tearing me apart. I can taste them, I can feel them violating me in all kinds of horrifying ways. The priests etc would then be replaced with the very demons of hell. I cannot even begin to describe what this is like. Imagine your worst nightmare, then multiply it by 1,000,000. Imagine what it would be like for you to be violently and viciously gang raped.

Think about the worst beating you ever got in your life, or the worse pain, yes, even the pain of childbirth. The pain suffered there is nothing compared to the pain we victims/survivors go through.

So before you tell a person who no longer believes in your God or Jesus Christ that they are going to hell, walk a few miles in their shoes before you make such a judgement. You may never know what kind of nightmares that person is suffering from.

We the victims of the pedophile priests of the Roman Catholic Church are being raped again by it’s leaders and apologists


I wonder how the Pope, Cardinal Dolan, Bishop McCormack, James Salt and Bill Donohue would feel if they were raped? I wonder how they would feel if they had been in my place that night at St Thomas More’s Parish in Durham NH? I wonder if they would act like they have been acting if they had been raped and have it pounded into their heads again and again, that if they told anyone they would burn for all eternity in hell? I wonder how, they would act, if as the pedophile pervert priest was raping them anally, and the priest while he was raping them was making them repeat the Our Father and the Hail Mary over and over again, if they would ever really be able to say the Our Father or the Hail Mary ever again? I wonder how they would have felt, when the priest was forcing me to perform oral sex on him and then swallow his semen, if they too would call it the sacred sacrament?

I wonder if these losers of humanity, could deal with the horrifying nightmares I have had. Of being gang raped by demons in hell. Or being raped by the priests and popes of old while they dance around in glee waiting for their turn to rape me? I wonder if they could have handled the priest who raped me in these nightmares ripping off their penises and eating it right in front of you?

I wonder if they would have tried as many times as I have to end their lives? I wonder if they would have become a drunk and a drug abuser like me to handle the horrors I had to deal with? I wonder if they could trust anyone either? If they could open up and tell others their stories? Or if they could deal with the attacks against us victims and our supporters that they perpetrate simply to protect their criminal enterprise of child pedophiles, pedophile pimps, and leaders who believe that child pornography is considered normal and sex between an adult and a child is not evil? I wonder how they would feel being called liars? I wonder how they would feel if the support system that you rely on, SNAP and lawyers and therapists, were attacked like the leaders and apologists for their perverts are doing now?

I wonder if they would feel like I feel and a lot of the other victims of their perverted priests and their sick and twisted leaders who call themselves men of god but are actually men of satan and pure evil? That we are being raped all over again. Though this time, we are being gang raped by their leaders, their priests, their apologists.

They do not care though do they? They go about their daily business, of harming children, of being pedophile pimps and rapists of children without a care in the world. They denigrate us victims of their perverted leaders and priests and think we all ought to just shut our mouths and go away. They wish we would commit suicide. They wish we would all die and go away. They do not care about the victims. They only care about protecting their asses and harming the victims all over again.

I heard they are trying all they can to get the World Court at the Hague to indict the Pope and three of his Cardinals for Crimes Against Humanity for the rape and abuse and coverup of children. I hold little hope for this. These evil criminals, these destroyers of children’s lives, these rapist of children, these pedophiles and pedophile pimps do not care. They can get away with their crimes because they claim sovereignty under their Roman Catholic Church. They claim they are above man’s law and are only answerable to their god and their church. They have proven time and time again, that they are in fact above the law, especially their Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict Arnold and Cardinal Timothy Dolan along with their main apologists James Salt and Bill Donohue. They believe it is right to attack us victims, to attack our support systems, to attack anyone who dares to stand up to this criminal organization of religious pukes.

Yes, you all must be proud of yourselves. You all raped defenseless and innocent children to satisfy your perversity and evil. Now you are all raping us again with your words and actions.

Well I now know the REAL Jesus Christ. Not the ones you all pay lip service to. See I know Jesus Christ hates all of you for the harm you have all caused to the children of the world. Your crimes against Humanity and the Children of the World may not be punished in man’s world because, yes, you hold all the cards right now. Yes, the Roman Catholic Church of Criminal Pedophiles are powerful, they are rich, they own all the cards and have stacked the deck against the victims of their pedophile priests and pimps.

Yet this much I do know. The day you die and your soul goes before Jesus Christ, HE is going to give you the punishment you all so richly deserve. You all actually think you are going to heaven? You all think because you pay lip service to Jesus Christ and that you are leaders of the church that you will get a free ride to eternal heaven? You really think Pope Benedict Arnold, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Bishop John McCormack. James Salt and Bill Donohue that you are all going to heaven? With the rest of your perverted priests and bishops who hid them out and covered for them and moved them to other parishes so they could rape more children?

I got news for all of you. Read Dante’s Inferno. Keep it in the back of your minds as you finish out your lives here on this plane. Realize the hell that Dante wrote about is especially designed for you all. That when all is said and done, you will all roast in the 5th and 6th levels of Dante’s Hell right where you belong. While I, Frank J LaFerriere and the rest of us victims of your unholy church, your Criminal Church of Perverted Pedophiles and Pimps, will be in heaven. Why?

BECAUSE WE THE VICTIMS OF YOUR EVIL, CORRUPT, CHURCH OF PEDOPHILES AND PIMPS HAVE ALREADY DONE OUR TIME IN HELL AND WE DO NOT DESERVE TO GO TO HELL FOR THE CRIMES OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CRIMINAL CHURCH AND IT’S PEDOPHILE PRIESTS AND PEDOPHILE PIMP LEADERS.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan, RCC Apologist and NOT a Man of God


Ahhhh Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Roman Catholic Church’s biggest apologist and chief ass kisser of His High Unholiness the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict Arnold.

I liken the Papal Bullshitter as the Anti-Christ, the Spawn of Satan’s Loins and Dolan as his servant on earth.

You apologize like a good neo maxi zoom dweebie and you continue to stand up for your perverts of the Roman Catholic Church and your interests. Maybe it is because you one day want to wear the Fairy Red Slippers and be able to be the next Papal Bullshitter. Oh wait, you would have to wait until your Anti-Christ kicks off and dies and goes to the hell he so richly deserves to spend an eternity in, just like YOU Cardinal Timothy Dolan.

Dolan goes around screaming how us victims are picking on him, the RCC and the Papal Bullshitter. How unfair it is that we seek justice against the perverted rapist priests of his organized crime church. How it is wrong to belittle and besmirch his high unholiness and we should all stop picking on him and leave his sorry ass alone. How it is wrong to make the RCC pay money to us victims. How it is unfair to the church to pay us victims because the evil priest who raped us, or the bishop or cardinal who covered this up and shipped their perverted priests to other parishes so they could rape children some more are dead. Well they may be dead, but us victims are still alive. He screams how most of these people are dead and therefore would not be punished for their actions, yet the church and congregation of the church are the ones who will be punished for their behavior.

That is like saying that Hitler should have never been prosecuted for the behavior of his men under him or his own actions because it would be unfair to the people of Germany if they lost.

That is like saying the sadistic priests of your Inquisitions should never be prosecuted if they could be and that the millions of innocent men, women and children put to death under torture, brutality and evil under the direction of this church’s leaders should just shut the hell up and go away if they were not so dead from the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church actions.

See Dolan, you sorry excuse for a supposed holy man, you are just like all the other evil of the Roman Catholic Church. The Roman Catholic Church is responsible for the rape and murder of millions, but you losers think that you are all above the law. Lleaders like you Timothy Dolan may speak that you care, that you feel shame for us victims of your perverted rapist priests, but your hidden words that seem to always get revealed and your actions speak volumes that you are still one of the perverted, twisted, sick and evil leaders of one of the most bloodiest and evil of all the christian denominations.

Dolan, I seriously doubt that you are going to heaven when you die. I do have knowledge of Jesus Christ, at least the real spirit of Jesus Christ, not the one you freaking pay lip service to. I know for a fact that you, along with the rest of your evil leaders of the Roman Catholic Church are going to be spending an eternity in hell fire. See Jesus Christ does love us children. What did he say? It would be better for you to put a rope around your neck and attach it to a boulder and throw it into the deepest lake than harm a hair on a child? That Jesus Christ loved children most of all. He hated the religious and the leaders of the religious. So what does that say for your future eternity as well as that of your leaders and rapist priests? Seems to me that you all are going to be burning for all eternity in hell for the harm you all caused us children….and continue to cause to this day.

I often wonder how you as a church leader or your papal bullshitter, whom you apologize for all the time, would  handle one of the many insane nightmares I have had thanks to this perverted priest? I wonder how you would feel and react to nightmares where you would be gang raped by demons? Or put on a spit and roasted over a fire while the past Popes and leaders of the church dance in glee around your smoking and roasting flesh and then take turns raping you?  Where the priest who raped you comes up, takes your penis, rips it off from your body and chews on it with so much relish it is abnormal?  Where in these nightmares you actually really feel all of this pain, you really see all of this horror going around you.

After all of these nightmares I have had, I now know your future, but I honestly believe that you, along with the rest of the perverts and rapist of children’s minds, bodies and souls of the roman catholic church, will be the ones being roasted, having your body parts ripped from you and eaten and all the rapes from the demons, will be yours, just as it should be.

You all sicken me. You all disgust me. You are NOT a man of god nor do you truly know your lord and savior Jesus Christ. Yet I do, deep down inside of my heart and soul I know Jesus Christ….and trust me when I say….it sure the hell gonna suck to be your soul when you drop dead.

Cardinal Dolan and the Pope owe the victims of their perverted priests an apology immediately


His Unholiness the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict and his henchman and twerp Cardinal Dolan owe the victims of their perverted priests an apology immediately.

The definition of being two-faced means you say one thing but either do or mean another. While the Papal Bullshitter and his leaders of the Roman Catholic Church like Cardinal Timothy Dolan may say that they want to do everything they can to help the victims of their perverted priests, or that they feel our pain and are ashamed of what their perverted priests did to us, but there is a totally different reality here.

Firstly, you have the Papal Bullshitters own words he spoke during a traditional Christmas message to his Cardinals and officials working in Rome in December of 2010. To myself, a victim of one of the church’s perverted priests, this is a call from the Papal Bullshitter to his leaders of the church, that it is perfectly alright for adults to rape children and that child pornography is considered normal so why not ya know? If this leader of the biggest religious denomination on the earth believes that child pornography is normal and sex between an adult and a child is not evil, then this person needs to get a grip on reality and get some professional counseling to include sitting in on therapy sessions of child rape victims. Maybe the Papal Bullshitter and his main apologist Cardinal Timothy Dolan ought to sit in on a few of my therapy sessions.

I know this piece of dog dung says he has listened to the stories of the rape victims of his perverted priests, but there is a difference between listening to the victims and hearing what they are saying. You can “listen” to them all you want, but unless and until their stories of horror really sink into your gray matter between those ears of yours, then you will never truly understand the pain and horror of rape victims.

He also states that he is ashamed and filled with humiliation for the scandal of his priests raping children and his leaders, including himself, who covered it up. Nothing could be further than the truth with this incredible bullshitter. I mean when this supposed man of god was known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, he got the Vatican to stop the proceedings to defrock a priest who admitted to molesting hundreds of deaf boys in Wisconsin after the priest wrote a letter to Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. The Papal Bullshitter is also accused of mishandling a German Priest, Father Peter Hullerman, in which this perverted priest was accused by parents of three children of raping them.  Hullerman was sent to a psychiatrist in Munich for evaluation, and his psychiatrist, Werner Huth diagnosed him as a pedophile. Even the personal chief of the Essen diocese, Klaus Malangre wrote to his counterpart in Munich, Fr. Friedrich Fahr that Hullerman was dangerous and someone who needed psychiatric treatment and should only teach in a girls school.

Instead of defrocking this priest and having him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Ratzinger, as Archbishop, and responsible for the handling of this case, simply restored him to his pastoral duties. What gets me the most is how fast this Papal Bullshitter worked to restore this perverted priest back to duties. It was reported to the church in September of 1979. Hullerman went for his psychiatric interview on December 18, 1979. By January 20th, 1980 Ratzinger was calling for the restoration of this perverts pastoral duties with no prohibitions and on February 1st, 1980 he was returned to his pastoral duties.

By these two incidents, though I imagine there are more that have not come out, and by his own words in his christmas message to the leaders of the church, this shows this Papal Bullshitter talks a good talk to his flock, but when it comes down to the actual nuts and bolts of this perverted Pope’s mind, it shows he could care two shits less about the victims and more about protecting his ass and the ass of the church.

If this Papal Bullshitter is so full of humiliation and sorrow for what the perverted priests of the Roman Catholic Church did to us victims and the coverup of this, then why does not this supposed man of god submit to prosecution for his aiding and abetting the coverups himself? Here is actually another example of this Papal Bullshitters two facedness along with the Roman Catholic Church’s. I shall use an example of one of the teachings of the church for this.

We will take the confessional, a criminal and priests for our example.

A criminal walks into the confessional and confesses to the priest he had just raped a dozen young boys. Now while the priest would maybe get off on this type of a confession, who knows with the priests of the RCC ya know? Yet from what I have read and learned, the priest would never go to the police about this because the confessional is a sacred place supposedly. He would do all he could to counsel the rapist of young boys to turn himself in for prosecution. He would explain to the rapist of young boys that even though he may receive forgiveness and absolution for his crimes from the church, he should face justice for the crimes he has committed. You can actually see this in effect in the rcc featured movies of old where the priest does all he can to talk the criminal into turning themselves in to the authorities.

So is it not being two faced when you act this way, but when it comes time to your own ass, or the ass of the perverted priests, or the leaders of the church who covered this up, and you too should turn yourself in for prosecution, yet, you hide your sorry ass behind the fact you are a leader of the church and a head of state and therefor immune to prosecution for your felonious actions. Same with the rest of this den of perverts. Instead of offering themselves up for prosecution, they all circle their wagons and hide in the Roman Catholic Church, untouchable by law enforcement authorities unless they get off their asses and turn themselves in and admit to what they did wrong.

So if this Papal Bullshitter is truly sorry, ashamed and humiliated for what has happened to us children, then why not, as leader, lead by example and turn his sorry ass in to the proper authorities for prosecution? Because like his Cardinal and apologist Dolan, they feel they are above the law and do not deserve any punishment for their actions. Yet, they will scream that abortion providers and homosexuals actually deserve the death penalty because of harm to children. Now if this is not being two freaking faced I do not know what is.

Now we come to Cardinal Timothy Dolan. The Papal Bullshitters biggest apologist, maybe because he sees this Papal Bullshitter may not last much longer and he wants the job so he defends this leader of his church and does all he can to deny victims of his perverted priests any justice or recompense for the actions of the perverted priests. What I really love is his recent words on the victims of priest rape.

In reference to this news article at this link:

http://gothamist.com/2012/03/12/cardinal_dolan_still_sore_about_gay.php#

This article is basically how Dolan feels betrayed that New York passed the same sex marriage law. Yet in it, he states:

Dolan also explained that he wanted to keep the statute of limitations for child sex abuse victims to one-year, because if the church gets sued, “The perpetrators don’t suffer. There’s no burden on them. What suffers are the services and the ministries of the apostolates that we’re doing now. Because where does the money come from? So the bishops of 30 years ago that allegedly may have reassigned abusers, they don’t suffer. They’re dead. So the people that suffer are those who are being served right now by the church. We feel that’s a terribly unjust burden.”

Yet again and again, this Cardinal states the tired old, Roman Catholic line that they are ashamed of what happened to us victims and want to do everything they can to help us and make this problem a thing of the past. Though this supposed man of gods words sure do not match does it? Can you say two facedness? I knew you could.

This idiot, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, shows the truth of the Roman Catholic Church and it’s leaders in how they really want to deal with us victims. By making themselves victims. It is the old tried and true bullshit. To make things better for you in the face of overwhelming evidence against you, you make yourself into a poor, poor pityful us, everyone is picking on us. We do not deserve this, we should not be paying for it.

This loser, Cardinal Timothy Dolan does not care about the suffering of us victims. Maybe this supposed man of god hopes that us victims do the same as the perpetrators of child rape and cover up, just simply die. That way the church would not have to dip into it’s billions to pay off the victims. They want to truly get away with their crimes and believe they are justified in doing so. This leader, this Cardinal Timothy Dolan and the Papal Bullshitter are so full of crap their evil eyes are freaking brown. All they care about is again, covering their own asses and protecting the assets of the church. They try their best to put up blocks to justice, real and just compensation for us victims of their rapist priests, and then go about their business. I have come to find, after doing much research on this, they typically offer free therapy for life and $20,000.00 for ruined lives caused by their perverted priests and the leaders who covered it up. Well Dolan and Benedict, I would say right to your faces if given the opportunity, to tell you both maybe you ought to get gang raped by a group of your own priests so you know what us victims really go through.

So Papal Bullshitter High Unholiness Pope Benedict Arnold and your apologist buddy Cardinal Timothy Dolan, you both need to get down on your freaking knees to me and beg me for forgiveness. You owe an apology to each and every one of your perverted rapist priests victims personally for your continued rape of us victims of your perverted priests.

Oh and to the both of you, I may eventually forgive you, but that does not mean you both, along with your rapist priests and perverts who went to bat for them and covered this up, will NOT be burning for all eternity in your christian hell. Trust me when I say this, Jesus Christ hates your guts and has an especially hot place specially reserved for the likes of your sorry, perverted, child raping asses.

Shame, Guilt and Hate.


About a month or so ago two really great friends pretty much sat me down and talked to me. They told me after all I had gone through in life, I was still an incredible person. That I actually still cared and felt pain at the problems and wrongs of the world and other people. They told me though that even with my charm, people could feel the anger, hatred and pain around me every time I either opened my mouth or walked into their store. One of these friends were quite blunt to me. Either I do something about all of this hatred and anger that I had about what this priest did to me or I would die soon of either a heart attack or a stroke.

A few days after this I was having fun with slamming some bigoted and self serving christians I had met on a blog when one of them actually said something that I learned from. I could not say I honestly took control of my life back from the priest unless I forgave him for what he did to me. I also had to forgive god and jesus christ too because they really did not have any control over what the priest did to me due to free will.

This would be one of the hardest things I could ever do. How could I ever forgive this priest for what he did to me? To me he destroyed everything I knew and believed in up until that time. Sure I was a teen having my own doubts of faith with the Roman Catholic Church and it’s teachings, but I was still basically a Roman Catholic at the time of the rape.

How could I forgive the christian god and jesus christ? They never heard my prayers, my cries and my pleas to make this priest stop doing to me what he was doing to me. I grew up learning that at your darkest hour, God and Jesus Christ would answer your prayers and pleas. Here was one of their own priests raping me and they did not hear me.

My hatred towards the priest, god and jesus christ along with the church, has grown and festered for over 37 years. Like a cancer it grew, taking what was left of my soul. I felt that the night that this priest raped me, god condemned me to hell. That jesus christ felt shame towards me that I did not physically fight back this priest while he was raping me, that is why he did not answer my prayers.

Couple all of this with the fact I got an erection and ejaculated, and the shame and guilt that was on my shoulders and in my heart and soul, were overwhelming. Not only was I found guilty by this priest of breaking the 5th Commandment: Honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Even the Lords Prayer and the Hail Mary were never the same to me and I can barely even say each of them without getting physically ill from doing so. Up until recently I could barely go into a Roman Catholic Church without suffering a panic attack and the day I went to my fathers funeral at St Charles Parish in Dover NH was one of sheer terror and nightmares for me. I went out of love and respect for my father, yet if it had not been my father’s funeral, but the funeral of someone else, I would have never stepped foot inside that church that day. When I got home that night to my tent I suffered nightmares so severe I literally shook the tent down around me. I was so bathed in sweat and had such terrors that I had to go out and walk around Willand Pond for a couple of hours and sit in one of my all time favorite birch copses just so I could calm down again.

My hatred for god and the church is described in my blog about it. Yet that hate is very real.

I ended up doing a Pagan ritual to deal with a lot of this hatred, guilt and pain. It is one in which you write down the names of all the persons who ever caused you harm in your life. I wrote out the priests name along with the popes. I then burned the paper and scattered it to the winds. I released the hatred and pain. I released everything I could with this situation. I felt a lot of peace in my heart and soul afterwards. Even friends and relatives tell me I am much more calmer and peaceful than I have been in years.

Am I still pissed off at the Church? From this blog you can see obviously I am. I do not know if I will ever get all of this anger out of me for what this priest and what the Roman Catholic church has done to their victims. What his Unholiness the Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict Arnold said at this christmas address still pisses me off to no end. Some of the responses I have gotten via email from another board I am posting about this, are down right evil in themselves. Two even said I enjoyed what happened to me because I got a boner and I shot off.

The shame and guilt does not belong on my shoulders, nor do they belong in my heart or soul. They belong in the priests who raped me. They belong to the Unholiness Papal Bullshitter Benedict. They belong to the bishops and other church leaders who knew what these priests were doing and then taking these priests who were raping children and moving them to a different parish so they could rape again. It belongs to the church lawyers who fight us victims every step of the way, who continue to do their best to shame us into silence with their non disclosure clauses to their settlements. Their lovely little settlements that do not amount to shit compared to the living hell their own priests put us through.

I imagine this Papal Bullshitter, the Pope Benedict, sitting right now in his fancy robes, with his fancy shoes, all of his little choir boys around him singing his praises. His staff serving him on the finest of china, eating the best of foods. Going to sleep on his soft, king size bed covered in the finest linens. I consider this sick pricks life. How he thinks that child pornography is normal and that sex between an adult and a child is not evil. Then I do something I rarely do. I pray for him. I pray he chokes on a chicken bone and goes to the hell he so richly deserves for all the harm he cannot see with his very own eyes.

The Nightmares and Substance Abuse


One of our problems being victims of priest sexual abuse is most of us resort to substance abuse to deal with the pain and horror we have to hide.

To understand our pain, you would have to understand the betrayal that was perpetrated upon us.

I was born and raised in the Roman Catholic Church, attending St Charles Catholic Church in Dover NH. I received my First Communion and Confession there. I also went to a catholic school until we had to start going to Horne Street because the school burned down. It is drilled into your head from the very beginning that the priest, nuns and all the officials of the Roman Catholic Church are like speaking directly to God himself. Those punishments of the penguins you hear about, the rapping of the knuckles with the rulers, or sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on are all true.  They controlled your life, you believed EVERYTHING they said to you and if you questioned them……well you just did not question them.

I will not get into it but I left home at the age of 13. I went from one group home to a couple of foster homes. The last foster home I was in was an incredibly abusive uptight, right wing southern baptist bible thumpers. I only stayed a week or so and ran away. I spent the night with two girls I grew up with and the next day the police department bought me to St Thomas Moore’s church in Durham until the social worker they had assigned me to got me into Teen Haven group home in Rochester NH the next day.

That night changed my life forever. I will not get into the particulars of the rape, except to say he made me perform oral and receive anal and oral from him. What I will talk about is the psychology of the rape. All the while he was assaulting me, he kept telling me to say the Our Father and the Hail Mary. He also told me over and over again that no one would believe me over his word as a priest. Then he told me if I ever did tell anyone I would die and go to hell. He gave me the reason for doing this to me was to cleanse me of breaking the commandment of honoring my mother and my father. I remember the whole time he was raping me I was screaming inside for God and Jesus Christ to stop him, I begged them to make him stop, but they did not hear my cries of pain and shame.  Now can you imagine this being done to you?

Here you are, confused, scared because even before I got to the church I was scared outta my wits because I did not know if they were going to send me to juvie in Manchester. Also I knew very well what he was saying was true. No one would ever believe me what he was doing to me. As for my going to hell, well, again, hell was VERY REAL to me even at that age. I grew up in the 60’s, imagine the reality of hell to a young roman catholic boy. Dante’s Inferno was real to me. Now I was being raped by a priest who was supposed to protect me for one single night, but he allowed his perversions and sexual needs to overcome his common sense.

This priest took total control of my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.

I want to share with you one of the nightmares I started suffering right after I did tell a friend at the boarding school I eventually ended up at.

I am walking through the mist and woods and find myself coming to a cemetery. I hear moaning but I think it is more the wind I hear going through the trees around me. I see a shadow, then another one, glimpses of ragged shapes in the fog and mist around me. All of a sudden I feel something brush against my right calf. Then something grabs both of my feet and pull them out from under me. I land in some type of stinky goop, not really mud, almost smelling like an well used outhouse. As I struggle to get out of it, I only sink more into it, it is almost like quick sand but the harder I try to fight it, the more I sink into the stink. As I do these dead, decayed arms reach out of it and grab around me. My legs, my waist, my arms and shoulders and head are pinned and slowly they start to pull me deeper into the goop.I remember looking up trying to take a deep breath for my lungs and as I do a few half rotten skulls come out of the goop and start to laugh this hysterical laugh. All I hear over their laughing is you are going to hell in the air around me.

I am dragged deeper and deeper into the goop. My nostrils, mouth and throat starts to fill with it. I am gagging and trying to breath but I can’t. I am not dying though, I know this, but I cannot breath and I only wish to die. It goes on for what seems like minutes. Eventually I come out of the bottom of the goop, straight into the very pits of hell itself. I am gasping for breath but all I get is heated air from the pit. There is fire and screaming and moaning and pain. I can feel it in every part of my being. My heart goes out to the pain and suffering I hear. My soul weeps for it all. I hear all kinds of sounds that scare the living daylights out of me. Sounds of torture and screams and cries of why, why?

I am seeing even children being tortured, all of them screaming and crying out for God and Jesus Christ to save them, just like I had done while the priest was raping me, yet even here too, these beings we all believed in and prayed to did not hear these young innocent cries of the children. I wept for them like I had never wept for anyone before. My tears are all hot from the fires and pain and horrors I am witnessing.

The heat of the fires are scorching me but not burning me. In a way the goop that is all over me protects me from the full heat of the blaze. All of a sudden three demons dressed as priests grab me and drag me to a room. There is an assembly of men, all of them from the rulers of the roman catholic church.

I cannot repeat the things they say to me or the things they did to me in that room. Suffice it to say that it is ten thousand times worse than what the priest did to me. I can only say think of the tortures and sadism of the Inquisitions That is just a small idea of what these perverts of religion did to me for speaking out against the evil they do. I still cannot deal with some of these nightmares. I think though you can use your own imagination with what I have already told you to understand why I cannot tell this part of the nightmare. It is still too painful, even after 34 years, they are still too painful to deal with yet.

When I wake up from one of these nightmares, I am covered in sweat and just twisted. The nightmares are very real to me. It is no wonder that I turned to drugs and alcohol to block these nightmares because it seemed these were the only substances that I could use to block them? Most of us victims of these priests do. It takes a lot of therapy to learn how to deal with nightmares like I have….and I know many other victims have of these perverted priests.

For decades I took any and all drugs and drank anything I could. My poisons were mostly weed, crown royal and molson ale. I remember some friend and I counted all the blue bags I had saved from the crown royal I drank in one year. It was over 200 bags. That is a lot of alcohol if you ask me considering I normally drank about a six pack or a 12 pack of molson with it. Plus all the weed I used to smoke. I prided myself on being able to out smoke and put anyone under the table. I remember smoking through a quarter pound of really boss herb in ten days and buying two more ounces and smoking that within another week.

I am now pretty much clean and sober. I really no longer drink. Maybe a six pack if I am lucky every four or so months. Heck I bought a bottle of smirnoff and peach snapps two new years ago and they still sit half drank in my fridge. I learned through my nature and wildlife photography, my love of nature and backpacking, that I can find other ways of “escaping” the pains of the past and looking at beauty again.

I lived in ugliness for many many decades. Through my nature and wildlife photography I have started finding the real beauty of the world around me again.

I also would love to ask his High Unholiness Papal Bullshitter Pope Benedict, or many of the bishops and arch bishops and priests who did this to us children and teens, how they would feel to have even ONE of my nightmares, let alone where you have these kinds of nightmares over and over again for weeks at a time. Is it no wonder I became an insomniac? Is it no wonder why I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with all of this?

Right after this priest raped me I became a pyromaniac. I burned a lot of things. I even got arrested at 14, about two or three weeks later for burning a box truck at the railroad tracks right down from the Teen Haven group home which got me sent to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford New Hampshire.

I would also love to hear how sorry the Papal Bullshitter is right to my face. Yet he is too punk and believes that child pornography and sex between an adult and child is considered normal, his very own words he gave in his christmas address. If you do not believe this, just google it and you will see I am right.

So Papal Bullshitter, Pope Benedict, what do you say? Care to have a couple of my nightmares? Oh no I already know what your doom is. Seeing you protected those who harmed innocent children. Seeing you allowed these perversions to happen and covered it up. Seeing you do not care about the suffering of us children. Well you are going to be spending a long eternity in the very hell of the nightmares I have had to endure in my life. I see you in the goop Unhonorable Papal Bullshitter, with your bishops and priests all around you, getting more than pitchforks shoved up your anal cavities.