After a few years of therapy, I have come to realize what happened and how it happened that night at St Thomas More parish in Durham NH. This was NOT revealed during therapy, but because of some of the tools they taught me on how to calm down when I started going nuts over the nightmares and blaming myself for what happened at St Thomas More. The anger I got through is extreme at times and suicidal at times. I was taught how to work through this by my incredible therapist.
Now, yes in a way, I am changing some of my story. I will leave the original up, but this is what happened. Please read between the story for the corrections. Everything I state that Gaulin did to me was the truth. It was in the way it happened, and the realization that Gaulin was NOT the only priest who raped me that night at St Thomas More. There was also Joseph Desmond and one other priest there.
I am a survivor of a priest rape at the St Thomas More Parish in Durham NH in 1975. I had ran away from a foster home and was bought to the parish for the night for safe keeping until my social services worker could bring me to a group home in Rochester NH. IT WAS NOT WHEN I RAN AWAY FROM HOME, THAT THIS HAPPENED.
It happened the night my father and I got into a fight. I had done a really shitty thing to him. I stole one of his checks. I had cashed it at Richardsons store in Durham NH. I bought a carton of marlboros with the money. It was probably two days later, that it was discovered. Well the cop showed up that night it was discovered. My father and I were fighting. The cop asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to leave this insane house. My father, pissed and rightfully so, reached over and punched me in the face, knocking me out of the chair. That is when the cop decided things needed to cool off, so he brought me to St Thomas More in Durahm. That night forever changed my life and the way I looked at life. The priest there, whom shall remain nameless at this time, decided in that one night it would be better to rape my body and torture my mind, heart and soul than to protect me from all harm and give me one night of safety.
Priest rape is a horrible crime. To take it from the RCC catechism: “Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them.” (no. 2356)
You can have no idea what it is like, a priest raping a child. The very act does destroy your soul, your heart, your mind and body. It is a great evil that harms sometimes beyond repair.
I am doing this blog as a way to give myself a voice. Hopefully also to bring some healing from the horror that was brought upon me by this priest, who for one night was supposed to protect me and keep me safe from harm. He allowed his disgusting, degenerate needs to outweigh the good that may have once existed within him. He destroyed my life for decades to come.
Due to his actions I lost my faith in God and Jesus Christ. I doubt I will ever regain that. To me, that night, when I cried and begged God and Jesus Christ to save me from this evil, they did not answer my cries. I often wondered why? What was their purpose for allowing this priest to bring such and evil into my life? It seems to me I may never have that answer. I no longer believe or worship this God or Jesus Christ, though I have tried to look at Jesus in a new and different light.
All I have to say to the priests who raped us children, to the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church who aided and abetted these crimes by cover-up, you all consider yourselves above the law. You all seem to feel justified in taking a stand against us victims of this evil and seek to stand in our way for true healing. You pay lip service to us and in the press, how you all want to reconcile us to your way of life, your God and Jesus and want to help us heal.
Seriously? Your actions speak louder than words. I do know this though. Karma is real. As taught in the bible, Jesus said: as you sow, so shall you reap. You one day either in this life, or in the next will reap the things you have sown against us victims of your perverted, degenerate priests and your cover-up and continued protection of your church. I know for a fact many of you, like Pope Benedict XVI, Cardinal Timothy Dolan. Michael Leveda, Bernard Law and others and especially Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights will one day pay for your evils. That is not my law, but the very law of the one you profess to follow, Jesus Christ himself.
FRANK’S STORY ABOUT HIS RAPE BY A PRIEST AT ST THOMAS MORE PARISH IN DURHAM NH:
In March of 1975, (this is the wrong date. This was the around the time I had ran away from home for the last time) The incident HAPPENED BEFORE this.
I had gotten into a fight with my father. I did a very wrong and disgusting thing to him. First I had stolen one of his checks and went to Richardsons store in Durham, cashed it and bought a carton of marlboros with the money. It took a couple of days but my dad found out. The cop showed up, I believe he called them about it, or it was the cop who told him about my cashing his check. All I know is, a cop was there, standing at the door of the mobile home we lived in, in Madbury NH.. The cop asked me what I wanted. I mouthed off and told the cop I wanted to get the hell out of that insane place. That pissed my dad off, rightfully so. He reached over and punched me in the face for it and knocked me out of the chair. That is when the cop decided it was best to take me out of the house for a cooling off.
A police officer brought me to the church and no sooner did he leave and the priest, Father Leon Gaulin, brought me to his bedroom.
He told me I had broken one of the Ten Commandments and told me I was now going to hell unless I did what he said.
He had me strip and he got naked. First he performed oral sex on me to ‘suck out the evil from me”. He then forced me to perform oral sex on him to take his “sacred sacrament” into me. Even though I puked he was still not finished.
He raped me anally then. While he was doing so, he forced me to say the Our Father and Hail Mary and he kept telling me if I told anyone about his special healing I would burn in hell forever.
I remember crying and begging God and Jesus to make him stop.
NOW. I remember Gaulin bringing me a glass of water, right after he raped me. He forced me to drink it. I remember him dressed in just a dark robe. He then layed up against me, in a spooning fashion and started to masturbate me and I passed out. I though now remember, I was also raped, by “Father” Joseph Desmond and another priest was also there…or another man, who also raped me. I was in and out of consciousness. BUT I REMEMBER DESMOND, GAULIN and another man, raping me.YES it is still highly foggy. It is hard to remember things when you have been drugged. Also what they did to me, was so truly evil, so truly horrifying, my mind still refuses to release it all. What ever they did to me? I really do not want to remember. Remembering what Gaulin did to me, is more than enough for me. I can only imagine, what other evils they put me through that night. This is why I originally thought it was Desmond who raped me. Sure I was convinced it was NOT him. When I saw a picture of Leon Gaulin in a newspaper article. I KNEW it was Gaulin that the cop left me with. I knew it was Gaulin who first took me into the bedroom and raped me.
I remember going to court the next day in Durham. I was sent back home. I did in fact, eventually run away. My father had gone to Honduras to meet his future wife Dena. My older brother and my paternal grandfather was left in charge. I remember that I had gotten home from school and for something, my older brother and I got into a fight. We were fighting right in the middle of the mobile home, and my grandfather was trying to break it up. I went after my brother with a pair of homemade nunchuks. They were basically a broom stick, broken in half with a rope tying them together. The rope broke. Well I ran out of the house and down the street, where one of our neighbors saw me, and brought me into their house. That afternoon I spent the rest of the day with Lenny, his girlfriend Caroline, and his brother and sister. I know their names, and I had a major crush on the sister. Later, Lenny brought me across the street from route 9 where we used to wait for our school bus and into the field and woods where they had built a little log style thing and that is where I slept that night, with Lenny’s dog annie next to me. I woke up the next morning and left and went to school at Oyster River, but did not attend classes. I was then picked up by the cops and turned over to Welfare. I then became a ward of the state, with my social worker being Pam Shaw.
The rest of the story is true. I did get brought to Teen Haven. I was a mess. I had ran away from various places. I had been in Port House in Portsmouth NH. The group home got closed because of an incident there involving a kid who had diabetes and committed suicide. Long story there. I then went through various temporary foster homes. One was an old lady in Dover, who could not handle me. I was then sent to another foster home in Somersworth. That place drove me insane. The mother was a bible thumping baptist. We used to have to go to Tri City Baptist Church for long services. She had three sons. I ran away from that place. I went and stayed with Pammy and Tammy Harris in Somersworth, who used to be our old next door neighbors on Central Ave when we lived in Dover. Russ from that foster home found me and beat the crap out of me on the porch. He was pissed off that I had ran away.
That is when the cops got a hold of Pam.
She then brought me to Teen Haven. I started having nightmares of the world being destroyed. It was burning. I then became a pyromaniac. I set fire to two houses, though they were abandoned, the woods, called the Pines behind Spaulding High School in Rochester, and then set fire to a truck that was like two hundred yards from the Teen Haven for which I got arrested for the next day.
I was then brought to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford, NH. I still had the nightmares and even attempted my own evil. I tried three times to rape a girl in the Pines. I could not do it though, hell I puked each time I tried. To this very day I still hold guilt for this. Yes I did not rape this girl, but it was just the fact that I even thought of doing it that horrified me. This is NOT me. I wish I could in fact track her down and apologize. I am so incredibly sorry that I thought of bringing this horror into your life. I am so incredibly sorry that I even thought of harming you Miss. I hope that you have had a beautiful life, full of happiness and joy.
There is something though that I did learn about this in therapy. I was NOT EVIL. If I were, then I would have raped this girl. I would NOT feel guilty about it, even to this very day. I know I am not evil…but sometimes, in the darkness of the soul, when you are dealing with your own horrors, you do not think straight. I also proved those scum whom do rape children and said they could not control themselves, they are WRONG. YOU CAN. You just do not want to. You embrace that incredible evil, so you condemn yourself. I was raped, twice and almost raped a third time…but YOU can say NO to perpetuating this evil. YOU CAN break the cycle.
I did tell a school friend at Austin Cate, but he did not believe me. After that, my nightmares got even worse. I was being gang raped in hell by priests, bishops and popes and even the demons of hell. I would wake up when the priest who raped me, now a demon would come over and rip my penis off and eat it.
I became a drunk and a druggie. I got into all kinds of trouble with the law. I got raped one more time by a guy who picked me up hitch hiking and drugged me and I woke up to him raping me in the back of his RV. I thought I deserved this though and it was punishment for my telling John at school what happened to me.
Then two months later, I was hitch hiking again, and this guy pulled off the dirt road before the bridge in Gloucester Mass and tried to rape me, but I defended myself and sliced him up real good. I tried to get his car out of a ditch because he had run off, but I couldn’t, so I ran up the embankment and saw a cop car and flagged it down. I did not know he had already picked up the guy and I told the cop what happened. Well he went to put me into the back seat and I saw the guy and I freaked the hell out. Then the cop asked the guy if I was the one who just tried to rob him and first he said no. He said no a couple of times but then said yes when I kept saying he just tried to rape me.
The cop believed me though. Yet, there was nothing he could do because the guy pressed all kind of charges against me. I was charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon, attempted Armed Robbery and other charges. Again, I felt I deserved this and it pretty well ruined my life, I lost my job, my apartment everything and became homeless, eventually being arrested for breaking into a deserted boy scout hall in Rockport to live. I then went to jail to wait the trial but was given a 2 year probation sentence.
From then on my life was even more a living hell.
I went to prison numerous times. I did time in Florida for burglary of a hotel room and a car, in Maine twice, once for burglary and once for escape and theft. I went to prison for five years in Michigan. There, at Florence Crane, I was surrounded by pedophiles. I sort of got some revenge there.
I have tried to kill myself numerous times. I have woken up in a hospital er having my stomach pumped out. I have even tried to shoot myself in the head, but some reason, the gun jammed.
I have done a lot of things to kill myself in many other ways. When I say I was a drunk, I meant it. I would drink a fifth of vodka and a case of beer and try to kill myself by alcohol poisoning. I would eventually pass out after puking and wake up later going WTF? Why am I still here?
I lost everything, I lost my soul. I lost all I held dear to me when I was a child. I was completely and totally lost. I thought I was the Anti-Christ. This is even in my police records under my alias. When I got arrested in Daytona and the cops asked me my name? I told them I was Damien the Anti-Christ. I took the name from the Omen series movie. I did some pretty nasty things to the churches.
I would go in and piss in their wine bottles they used for sacrament. I would piss and crap on their steps and in their pews. I did a Linda Blair exorcist thing one time during a Christmas eve mass when the priest came by and sprinkled us…running out laughing afterwards.
I eventually came out two and a half years ago after helping another rape victim.
Now, after therapy and talking with lots of other survivors of this horror, always asking why? Why did this happen to me, the other day, after visiting a new site on FB dealing with the Mafia, I remembered something from the Godfather movies, which I love so much. In the scene where Frankie is crying to Don Vito, the Don grabs him, slaps him and tells him to stop crying and be a man. Well that hit me like a ton of bricks, like a sledgehammer. That is when I stopped crying and asking why? Why me and I posted this on my Facebook page:
I have finally got the answer to the questions I have been asking about why? Why did all this crap happen to me?
TO MAKE ME STRONG, TO MAKE ME A FIGHTER, TO GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO STAND UP AND FIGHT THE SCUMBAG PEDOPHILES, TO BRING FEAR INTO THEIR HEARTS, SOULS AND MINDS, TO MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID TO US.
TO BE A WARRIOR FOR THE CHILDREN…BECAUSE A WARRIOR IS STRENGTHENED THROUGH HORROR, THROUGH ADVERSITY, THROUGH REMAINING ALIVE WHEN THEY WANT TO GIVE UP AND GIVE IN. TO MAKE YOU ONE OF THE BEST FIGHTING MACHINES ON THE EARTH TO GO AFTER PEDOPHILE SCUM AND PUT THEM WHERE THEY BELONG!!!
NO MORE SHALL I QUESTION WHY?
I NOW KNOW THE ANSWER!!!!
Now I am going to put fear, fear that was put into me into the scum whom did this not only to me, but to tens of thousands of my brothers and sisters whom also endured this evil.
Bill Pig Face Donohue has come after me, trying to instill fear into me…all he did was release a tiger.
I am going to do all that I can to put these scumbag pedophile pimps and priests and their supporters and apologists where they belong…in prison…or in hell. Right where they belong.
You harm a child, you rape a child, you steal that soul of the child, you destroy their lives, that makes you a special kind of souless monster. The Roman Catholic Church is full of these kinds of monsters. Well monsters can be defeated. How? By no longer fearing them…and putting fear into them.
Fear me Roman Catholic Church! Fear me Bill Donohue! Fear me Cardinals Timothy Dolan, Roger Mahony, Donald Wuerl, Bernard Law and all the rest of you degenerate, scumbag Pedophile Pimps…fear me…look into the mirror…and you will see ME staring back at you…for you shall fear me….my nightmares are over…and YOURS have just begun.