I don’t want to hate anymore. Help us forgive Commentary
When I wrote this letter and asked that it be published in the Berlin Daily Sun I meant every word as I wrote it. I am so tired of being angry all the time, of being hate filled all the time. It wasn’t doing me any good. It was killing me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have found that living in hate and anger for what was done to me only created a cycle where it just grew more hatred and anger in me. The more I thought I was getting it out in the ways I was getting it out through being just plain mean and nasty was the way to somehow get rid of the evil I saw inside of me. The only thing is…it made me look like a complete and total raving lunatic and the people whom could have helped me get through what I have been going through were turned off by what I was saying and doing. I understand that now.
I did something Friday that I NEVER thought I would EVER do again in my lifetime. I was at a crossroads that day. I could either allow this rage, this hate this pain to continue to destroy me, to take away what was left of my heart and soul…or I could change it. What got me to do so was simply on Friday morning I thought I was an abomination before the eyes of God and thought I had been condemened to die by his orders.
Around noon in desperation I met my best friend whom had suffered similar abuse at the hands of a parent as I did from the priest. I have NEVER been able to say two prayers since that night at St Thomas More parish, the Our Father or the Hail Mary without massacring it and changing the words to it that disgraced it. Instead of Our Father who art in Heaven I would always replace the Heaven with Hell, even when I went to masses at St Mary’s Episcopal in Daytona. I felt if I could go to the church to say both of these prayers from my heart then maybe I was not considered an abomination and God had not condemned me to die.
I was scared to death walking up those stairs if it was not for my friend I do not know if I really would have had the courage to do this. I also gotta admit in hindsight…it did happen to pick one of the WORST WEATHER DAYS in Berlin to do this lol…really???/ 40-50 mph wind gusts? Driving rain? I am not trying to make light of what happened that day..but wow….Walking across Mason Street bridge was pretty freaky both going over to met my friend and then walking back across to go to the church then walking back with her across again.
I am not really going to get totally into what happened next some of it is incredibly privately spiritual for me. But I did go into St Anne’s and blessed myself. I said the Our Father. I started the Hail Mary and I heard this voice that went sssshhhhh just listen. They were doing the Kyrie Elision as it was the noon mass for the All Souls day. Again I will not describe what happened while repeating the Kyrie, but I can say this…right after….I must have cried like a baby for how long I do not know and my friend even had to help me to the door cause I was still pretty wet eyed…but I was actually free. We got outside and she said to me see…You are NOT condemned by God nor are you an abomination. Jokingly I said to her well let’s wait until I am off the property. Once we got off it…well.
Oh and when we crossed Mason Street Bridge again…it was no longer stormy but my friend and I both noticed something. We have a beautiful view to the Mt Monroe and Adams peaks of the Northern Presidential Range of the White Mountains. Even though there were still storm clouds they were breaking up and you could see the whole valley glowing under sunbeams.
I went to my first mass in a Roman Catholic Church to celebrate Mass on Sunday. During the offering of the peace I stood there and I looked around the whole church. I looked at all of these people. I looked at their faces. Most of them had nothing but smiles on their faces and I could see the love in their hearts. As they offered each other Peace I tried to think of even one reason why I should hate them, why should I even be angry at them? I could not think of one reason why. I offered my peace to them all. I then wondered if it was right for me to take communion. I will not say the sign I got…but I got one that told me it was alright.
After mass I met with Father Kyle. He told me he had read my letter but wasn’t sure to really make of it and was taking a wait and see approach. He told me just by my walking through the church doors let alone staying through the mass proved much.
I do NOT want to hate anymore. Matter of fact I can say with all honesty that I have truly forgiven the priest whom did what he did to me. I have forgiven everyone. One of the things I experienced was I saw Jesus on the Cross. Heck I was right there with him for somehow he allowed be to be right there with him in his body. I could feel everything they had done to him. I also saw all those whom hated Him, all those whom reviled him, spat on him, threw punches at him. Those whom had whipped him and beaten him to within an inch of his life. Then I saw all those whom loved him. His mother, his friends. Jesus did not concentrate on those whom hated him when he spoke the words Forgive them Adoni for they know not what they do. He was concentrating on those whom were present whom loved him. That gave him the power to forgive and love those whom hated him. That has stayed with me through this. I am going to use the power of love and of those whom love me…to forgive those whom have harmed me and others and try to help them change their hate into love with the power of the love I found in Jesus while he hung on the cross.
I thought long and hard if I should remove this blog as it is no longer a reflection of who I am now or whom I am going to continue to be. Many of the postings in this blog show me at my worst. I was vile in many of them. I called some people names like Mr Donohue that were just an incredible expression of the anger and hatred I felt inside. I have released all of that. I no longer wish to fight Mr Donohue even, but maybe work with him in a way. Same with others too. I decided though to keep it up and even add onto it. I want to remember where I was through all of this. I want to remember when I raged against the machine, used these foul words and expressed myself in this way. I want to see the anger that was in me during this time. Years from now when I look back at this new chapter in my life I will compare it to the previous one of hate and rage and see how far I really have come. All I know is I no longer own the hatred, the anger, the pain and suffering in my previous words. Those are gone now. Those belong in the past, not in my future.
I can even tell I have changed because a lot of my fellow Survivors of Religious Abuse are pissed off at me because I used to be so nasty and now I have done a complete 360. When I told them I no longer hated the priest who raped me, I no longer even hated Mr Donohue, that I wanted to actually also work with the priests and nuns whom abused us in love and compassion and not in anger and hatred a lot of these Survivors tore me a new one and said I was a traitor privately. Well I am no traitor either. I just got sick and tired of being hateful all the time, of being angry all the time. Of hearing true friends telling me this over and over and over again that I was too hateful. I may have a right to be angry at what happened to me but I had gone to borderline psychotic hate and no one wanted to deal with me anyway. We have every reason to want justice for what was done to us…but to perpetuate hate and anger and all the things that goes with it does no one any good, least of all those whom are trying to heal from this.
This is what living and wallowing in hate and anger will get ya. Well I am tired of wallowing in it and I refuse to turn back now.
I remember going to the Cursillio when I went to St Mary’s. We had gotten our stuff unpacked and was having our first meet and greet. These two men came up to me and hugged me then said: “If you only knew the power of the spirit inside of you, you could move mountains. The hate and anger inside though will not let you see it. If you could get rid of that, you could spread your wings and fly.”
They were right, So was Dick. So was others. I am now spreading my wings and flying and I refuse to go back to that hate and anger again.
Even to my brothers and sisters in Survival whom may think I am a traitor or hate me right now for my freedom…I will always love you all and I will always welcome you back with open arms.
- Published Date Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00
To the editor,
I speak not from hate, but from hope.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD over my priest rape, I thought it was bull. I believed that the ONLY people whom could be classified as someone with PTSD were soldiers or those in war zones. Then my therapist started explaining to me what a person whom they diagnose with PTSD goes through, what their life is like…it was like they wrote most of that definition for me.
Yet people still think what I went through can simply go away if I just get over it, forgive the priest, forgive the church, forgive those whom harmed me. That if I just forget…somehow this will make me all better.
To those who think this way do you may not realize, for 33 years I hid what that priest did to me. During that time I tried to forget, but it only made matters much, much worse. I felt guilty, I hated myself for what he did to me. I even called myself the Antichrist because of it. I actually took the name of Damien from the Omen series for my name. This is a fact. This is how evil I thought I was for what the priest did to me.
Yes I have spoken out in harsh language and foul words against this, because in my mind, in my heart and soul, nothing is more heinous than raping a child. Nothing deserves more condemnation than the rape or any harm done to a child.
The Church continues to deny us true justice. What is the harm in victims of crime asking for this? Wouldn’t you ask for justice if you were a victim of a crime? I hear it time and time again, that people would just wish we would shut up and go away. That we are Anti-Catholic when we speak out like this, when all we really are is anti-child rape and we seek justice for ourselves and far too many who, when they were children and teens, were harmed in this way. I do not only speak out against anyone in the RCC who do this, but to all who do this. In my eyes, it does not matter what position you hold when you harm a child, be you a priest, minister, teacher, or what have you. You rape a child, you harm a child and I will be all up in your grill.
We have been called liars, we have been told because we did not fight back, we are guilty of what was done to us. Imagine being told this? The thing is, when this is said of other victims of rape, people come to their defense and say how shameful this is. We who speak out about our crimes done to us at the hands of the Roman Catholic Church, sadly do not get the same treatment. We are victims of one of the most heinous evils that can be perpetrated against another, so much so that it is spoken of in the Catechism.
“Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them.” (no. 2356)
How can anyone expect a victim of such an evil act ever come to the point of healing, of forgiveness for those whom committed these crimes against us when we hear these things said about us? If YOU wish for us to forgive you, to heal from these evils, then you must stand with us not against us. All we ask for is justice? Is that wrong? Would YOU not want the same for someone you loved and was going through this?
I onced loved the RCC with all of my heart and soul. When I was a young boy taking my Catechism and doing my First Communion…I was hooked to the beauty and the mysticism and most of all…the love of God and Jesus Christ. That I just had the incredible honor of having my first Communion, of taking the Holy Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into me and that meant the world to me at that moment.
That was taken away from me in one night due to the perversities of a priest. How can I forgive this priest, when he himself will not even admit what he did to me? How can I forgive him when the church fights me at every step just to obtain some justice for the crime that was done to me?
So when you hear us survivors of these crimes against us, speak out in anger, pain, and in horror about the evils done to us…do not condemn us…help us…In the name of God and Jesus Christ, help us heal from all of this suffering and pain. In the name of God and Jesus Christ stand up for us. If you wish for us to truly come back, to be fellow followers of God and Jesus Christ, then help us do so by standing for us and not against us. We do not want to destroy your church, we want to clean it from these evils so it can be the church it is supposed to be.
I do not want to hate anymore, I want to heal and forgive those whom committed these crimes against myself and so many others.
In the name of God and Jesus Christ help us heal our pain, help us heal our suffering. Help us.
Posted on November 5, 2013, in Bill Donohue, Bishop Peter A Libasci, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Catholic League, Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, Child Sex Abuse, Christianity, Christians, Clergy Abuse, Clergy Sex Abuse, Manchester Diocese, Manchester Diocese of the Roman Catholic Church, Manchester NH Diocese, Pedophile, Pedophile Priests, Perverted Priests, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Pope John Paul II, Pope Paul VI, Priest Child Sex Abuse, Religion, Roman Catholic Church, Roman Catholic Church Sex Abuse, St Thomas Moore Parish Durham NH, St Thomas More, St Thomas More Durham NH, St Thomas More Parish, Uncategorized, Vatican, William A Donohue and tagged Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Bill Donohue, Bill Donohue. William A Donohue. William Donohue. Catholic League, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Catholic League, Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, coverup in roman catholic church, Coverup of sex abuse by Roman Catholic Church, Curia, Frank J LaFerriere, Frank Laferriere, Manchester Diocese of the Roman Catholic Church, pope benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Pope John Paul II, Pope John XXIII, Pope Paul VI, Pope Pius XI, roman catholic, Roman Catholic Church Child Rape Scandal, Roman Catholic Church Child Sex Abuse, Roman Catholic Church Child Sex Abuse Scandal, Roman Catholic Church Child Slavery, Roman Catholic Church Pedophile Cover up Scandal, Roman Catholic Church Pedophile Coverup Scandal, Roman Catholic Church Pedophile Pimps, Roman Catholic Church Pedophile Scandal, Roman Catholic Church Pedophiles, Roman Catholic Church Priest Abuse, Roman Catholic Church Sex Abuse Coverups, Roman Catholic Church sex abuse scandal, Roman Catholic Priest, St Thomas More, St Thomas More Durham NH, St Thomas More Parish, St Thomas More Parish Durham NH, The Curia, The Vatican. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.