My own evil


This is going to be one of the hardest postings to this blog I have done. Why? Because in this blog posting I admit to my own evil in relation to the rape by the priest at St Thomas Moore Parish in Durham NH. Yet, after talking to one incredible friend of mine and my therapist about what I attempted to do, I came to find out that I am not evil….but actually good. It was my own soul, my own outrage, my own morals that prevented me from committing the crime I was going to commit. An evil crime that would have destroyed another innocent persons life, just like mine had been destroyed. I was going to destroy another innocent persons life in revenge and retaliation for what the perverted pedophile priest did to me.

After this priest raped me, the anger and hatred towards what he did became incredibly intense in my young mind and soul. I actually started agreeing with the priest. That I was evil. That I had broken one of the ten commandments and therefor was evil, unsavable, doomed to hell for all eternity. I had also become, unwillingly, a homosexual in my mind. This was again, evil to me because of the churches teachings on homosexuality. Like I stated in one posting, it is a double edged sword. I felt I was also doomed to hell because I told my friend John about the priest rape. The priest had told me over and over again, while he was raping me, that if I told anyone what he did to me I would burn in hell for all eternity. There I was, triple condemned to hell, for breaking one of the ten commandments, for being a homosexual and for telling what the priest had done to me. Is it no wonder the nightmares I was having were horrifying to say the least? Is it no wonder I held all this hate? Is it no wonder I wanted to harm as many people as I could? Or even rape another person in revenge and retaliation for what this priest did to me, stole from he and destroyed within me?

I had started hanging out in what is called The Pines in Rochester NH which is located behind Spaulding High School. Most of the Pines is very secluded. It is about a 1/8th to 1/4th mile walk down a foot path through the woods to the other side. I would get drunk and stoned out there all the time. Then one night while hanging out there, drunk off my ass and in a total rage about what  the priest had done to me, trying to drill into my young mind that I was not a homosexual, that a young girl walked through the pines. My mind was at the point that to prove I was not a homosexual, I would rape this young girl. I walked up behind her, about to smash her in the back of the head to knock her out but I just could not. I actually ran off and got physically sick for attempting what I had just attempted to do.

Yet, this happened two or three more times. It always seemed to be the same girl too. Short, beautiful, dark hair and eyes. She was probably all of 13 or 14 years old. The last time I saw this girl walking with what I assumed was her mother through the pines. From what I understood by their conversation the girl was walking her mother to McDonald’s. So I waited for her to come back through, knowing she was going to be alone. I was determined, the drunk that I was, to rape her and prove once and for all that I was not a homosexual. I thought of what the priest had done to me and how I was going to brutally rape this young girl to prove I was a man and not a homosexual. I thought of all the evil things I was going to do to her. I saw her walking the walkway to the pines. She passed under the lights by the tennis courts and the play set and all of a sudden I saw this orb of glowing white light surrounding her. That did not matter to me though, I was going to rape her. As she crossed the railroad tracks and was about to enter the pines, I froze. I got again, literally sick and started throwing up. I know she even saw me puking my guts out by the picnic table. It was the second picnic table from the entrance of the walkway. She even asked me if I was alright. I told her yeah and to just leave me the hell alone. This poor young girl does not realize the evil I was going to do to her and how close I came to raping her. I honestly now believe the white light I saw around her was not a trick of the mind because of the lights she was walking under. It was a protective light of the Universe. The Universe was NOT going to allow me to commit this crime against this innocent young girl. The Universe that night also showed me that this was not who or what I am. That I found this evil. That I knew this was wrong deep down inside of me. I waited til this young girl left the pines and I never returned to the Pines afterwards.

No matter what evil was done to me by this priest. my soul, my heart, my mind and my body just would not allow me to perpetrate this crime against this innocent young girl. I realized I would have destroyed her life if I had done what I planned on doing to her. Yes there was relief. I found I could not harm another human being in such a way. Yet I felt I was still evil. I almost committed a heinous crime of rape. I almost allowed the hatred, anger and pain I had towards what the priest did to me to control me.  Yet in the end, I defeated that hatred, that anger, that pain in allowing it to harm another person.

I am still ashamed of this event in my life. Even though I know that it was what was really inside of me that would not allow me to rape that young girl, I still am ashamed that I even attempted it. That I waited in those Pines, wanting to rape this girl. That I was going to destroy another life. That I was going to make another innocent persons life one of the nightmares I was suffering, that I was going to bring evil untold upon this poor, innocent girl.

The only thing I can say right now is, if I could find this young girl who is now a woman, I would apologize to her. I would tell her I am incredibly ashamed and sorry for what I almost did to her. That I still suffer because I almost raped her. That I still hold this deep down inside of me as a prohibition to ever even think these kinds of thoughts ever again.

I have turned this incident around in a way. See I also now help young victims of rape. I help children who have gone through this horror. I have vowed that I will do all I can to help anyone who has been raped, be they men, women or children. This is my penance for the evil I almost perpetrated on that innocent girl in the Pines.

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About victimsofrapebythercc

The Catechism offers a clear moral teaching: "Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them." (no. 2356) Note that rape is "an intrinsically evil act," meaning that it is evil at its very root, nothing justifies it, and it is objectively a mortal sin. An evil act was done against me, a crime, by a priest at St Thomas More Parish in Durham, NH. An evil and a crime I will no longer keep silent about. Those who perpetrate crimes against children, especially those of the Roman Catholic Church, should all be punished for their crimes against children. Anything less would be criminal.

Posted on March 24, 2012, in Bill Donohue, Cardinal Dolan, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Catholic League, Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, Pope Benedict, Roman Catholic Church Sex Abuse, Roman Catholic Church teachings on homosexuality and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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