When I wrote this letter and asked that it be published in the Berlin Daily Sun I meant every word as I wrote it. I am so tired of being angry all the time, of being hate filled all the time. It wasn’t doing me any good. It was killing me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have found that living in hate and anger for what was done to me only created a cycle where it just grew more hatred and anger in me. The more I thought I was getting it out in the ways I was getting it out through being just plain mean and nasty was the way to somehow get rid of the evil I saw inside of me. The only thing is…it made me look like a complete and total raving lunatic and the people whom could have helped me get through what I have been going through were turned off by what I was saying and doing. I understand that now.
I did something Friday that I NEVER thought I would EVER do again in my lifetime. I was at a crossroads that day. I could either allow this rage, this hate this pain to continue to destroy me, to take away what was left of my heart and soul…or I could change it. What got me to do so was simply on Friday morning I thought I was an abomination before the eyes of God and thought I had been condemened to die by his orders.
Around noon in desperation I met my best friend whom had suffered similar abuse at the hands of a parent as I did from the priest. I have NEVER been able to say two prayers since that night at St Thomas More parish, the Our Father or the Hail Mary without massacring it and changing the words to it that disgraced it. Instead of Our Father who art in Heaven I would always replace the Heaven with Hell, even when I went to masses at St Mary’s Episcopal in Daytona. I felt if I could go to the church to say both of these prayers from my heart then maybe I was not considered an abomination and God had not condemned me to die.
I was scared to death walking up those stairs if it was not for my friend I do not know if I really would have had the courage to do this. I also gotta admit in hindsight…it did happen to pick one of the WORST WEATHER DAYS in Berlin to do this lol…really???/ 40-50 mph wind gusts? Driving rain? I am not trying to make light of what happened that day..but wow….Walking across Mason Street bridge was pretty freaky both going over to met my friend and then walking back across to go to the church then walking back with her across again.
I am not really going to get totally into what happened next some of it is incredibly privately spiritual for me. But I did go into St Anne’s and blessed myself. I said the Our Father. I started the Hail Mary and I heard this voice that went sssshhhhh just listen. They were doing the Kyrie Elision as it was the noon mass for the All Souls day. Again I will not describe what happened while repeating the Kyrie, but I can say this…right after….I must have cried like a baby for how long I do not know and my friend even had to help me to the door cause I was still pretty wet eyed…but I was actually free. We got outside and she said to me see…You are NOT condemned by God nor are you an abomination. Jokingly I said to her well let’s wait until I am off the property. Once we got off it…well.
Oh and when we crossed Mason Street Bridge again…it was no longer stormy but my friend and I both noticed something. We have a beautiful view to the Mt Monroe and Adams peaks of the Northern Presidential Range of the White Mountains. Even though there were still storm clouds they were breaking up and you could see the whole valley glowing under sunbeams.
I went to my first mass in a Roman Catholic Church to celebrate Mass on Sunday. During the offering of the peace I stood there and I looked around the whole church. I looked at all of these people. I looked at their faces. Most of them had nothing but smiles on their faces and I could see the love in their hearts. As they offered each other Peace I tried to think of even one reason why I should hate them, why should I even be angry at them? I could not think of one reason why. I offered my peace to them all. I then wondered if it was right for me to take communion. I will not say the sign I got…but I got one that told me it was alright.
After mass I met with Father Kyle. He told me he had read my letter but wasn’t sure to really make of it and was taking a wait and see approach. He told me just by my walking through the church doors let alone staying through the mass proved much.
I do NOT want to hate anymore. Matter of fact I can say with all honesty that I have truly forgiven the priest whom did what he did to me. I have forgiven everyone. One of the things I experienced was I saw Jesus on the Cross. Heck I was right there with him for somehow he allowed be to be right there with him in his body. I could feel everything they had done to him. I also saw all those whom hated Him, all those whom reviled him, spat on him, threw punches at him. Those whom had whipped him and beaten him to within an inch of his life. Then I saw all those whom loved him. His mother, his friends. Jesus did not concentrate on those whom hated him when he spoke the words Forgive them Adoni for they know not what they do. He was concentrating on those whom were present whom loved him. That gave him the power to forgive and love those whom hated him. That has stayed with me through this. I am going to use the power of love and of those whom love me…to forgive those whom have harmed me and others and try to help them change their hate into love with the power of the love I found in Jesus while he hung on the cross.
I thought long and hard if I should remove this blog as it is no longer a reflection of who I am now or whom I am going to continue to be. Many of the postings in this blog show me at my worst. I was vile in many of them. I called some people names like Mr Donohue that were just an incredible expression of the anger and hatred I felt inside. I have released all of that. I no longer wish to fight Mr Donohue even, but maybe work with him in a way. Same with others too. I decided though to keep it up and even add onto it. I want to remember where I was through all of this. I want to remember when I raged against the machine, used these foul words and expressed myself in this way. I want to see the anger that was in me during this time. Years from now when I look back at this new chapter in my life I will compare it to the previous one of hate and rage and see how far I really have come. All I know is I no longer own the hatred, the anger, the pain and suffering in my previous words. Those are gone now. Those belong in the past, not in my future.
I can even tell I have changed because a lot of my fellow Survivors of Religious Abuse are pissed off at me because I used to be so nasty and now I have done a complete 360. When I told them I no longer hated the priest who raped me, I no longer even hated Mr Donohue, that I wanted to actually also work with the priests and nuns whom abused us in love and compassion and not in anger and hatred a lot of these Survivors tore me a new one and said I was a traitor privately. Well I am no traitor either. I just got sick and tired of being hateful all the time, of being angry all the time. Of hearing true friends telling me this over and over and over again that I was too hateful. I may have a right to be angry at what happened to me but I had gone to borderline psychotic hate and no one wanted to deal with me anyway. We have every reason to want justice for what was done to us…but to perpetuate hate and anger and all the things that goes with it does no one any good, least of all those whom are trying to heal from this.
This is what living and wallowing in hate and anger will get ya. Well I am tired of wallowing in it and I refuse to turn back now.
I remember going to the Cursillio when I went to St Mary’s. We had gotten our stuff unpacked and was having our first meet and greet. These two men came up to me and hugged me then said: “If you only knew the power of the spirit inside of you, you could move mountains. The hate and anger inside though will not let you see it. If you could get rid of that, you could spread your wings and fly.”
They were right, So was Dick. So was others. I am now spreading my wings and flying and I refuse to go back to that hate and anger again.
Even to my brothers and sisters in Survival whom may think I am a traitor or hate me right now for my freedom…I will always love you all and I will always welcome you back with open arms.
- Published Date Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00
To the editor,
I speak not from hate, but from hope.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD over my priest rape, I thought it was bull. I believed that the ONLY people whom could be classified as someone with PTSD were soldiers or those in war zones. Then my therapist started explaining to me what a person whom they diagnose with PTSD goes through, what their life is like…it was like they wrote most of that definition for me.
Yet people still think what I went through can simply go away if I just get over it, forgive the priest, forgive the church, forgive those whom harmed me. That if I just forget…somehow this will make me all better.
To those who think this way do you may not realize, for 33 years I hid what that priest did to me. During that time I tried to forget, but it only made matters much, much worse. I felt guilty, I hated myself for what he did to me. I even called myself the Antichrist because of it. I actually took the name of Damien from the Omen series for my name. This is a fact. This is how evil I thought I was for what the priest did to me.
Yes I have spoken out in harsh language and foul words against this, because in my mind, in my heart and soul, nothing is more heinous than raping a child. Nothing deserves more condemnation than the rape or any harm done to a child.
The Church continues to deny us true justice. What is the harm in victims of crime asking for this? Wouldn’t you ask for justice if you were a victim of a crime? I hear it time and time again, that people would just wish we would shut up and go away. That we are Anti-Catholic when we speak out like this, when all we really are is anti-child rape and we seek justice for ourselves and far too many who, when they were children and teens, were harmed in this way. I do not only speak out against anyone in the RCC who do this, but to all who do this. In my eyes, it does not matter what position you hold when you harm a child, be you a priest, minister, teacher, or what have you. You rape a child, you harm a child and I will be all up in your grill.
We have been called liars, we have been told because we did not fight back, we are guilty of what was done to us. Imagine being told this? The thing is, when this is said of other victims of rape, people come to their defense and say how shameful this is. We who speak out about our crimes done to us at the hands of the Roman Catholic Church, sadly do not get the same treatment. We are victims of one of the most heinous evils that can be perpetrated against another, so much so that it is spoken of in the Catechism.
“Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them.” (no. 2356)
How can anyone expect a victim of such an evil act ever come to the point of healing, of forgiveness for those whom committed these crimes against us when we hear these things said about us? If YOU wish for us to forgive you, to heal from these evils, then you must stand with us not against us. All we ask for is justice? Is that wrong? Would YOU not want the same for someone you loved and was going through this?
I onced loved the RCC with all of my heart and soul. When I was a young boy taking my Catechism and doing my First Communion…I was hooked to the beauty and the mysticism and most of all…the love of God and Jesus Christ. That I just had the incredible honor of having my first Communion, of taking the Holy Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into me and that meant the world to me at that moment.
That was taken away from me in one night due to the perversities of a priest. How can I forgive this priest, when he himself will not even admit what he did to me? How can I forgive him when the church fights me at every step just to obtain some justice for the crime that was done to me?
So when you hear us survivors of these crimes against us, speak out in anger, pain, and in horror about the evils done to us…do not condemn us…help us…In the name of God and Jesus Christ, help us heal from all of this suffering and pain. In the name of God and Jesus Christ stand up for us. If you wish for us to truly come back, to be fellow followers of God and Jesus Christ, then help us do so by standing for us and not against us. We do not want to destroy your church, we want to clean it from these evils so it can be the church it is supposed to be.
I do not want to hate anymore, I want to heal and forgive those whom committed these crimes against myself and so many others.
In the name of God and Jesus Christ help us heal our pain, help us heal our suffering. Help us.
You Parishioners on here find my postings insulting and degrading, you find my words disgusting and nasty. Well I would ask YOU to read this posting. It will NOT be full of my swears but it speaks the truth. I just want you all to hear, from the words of a Priest Rape Survivor why we cannot forgive you just yet.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD over my priest rape and soul torture, I thought it was bull. I believed that the ONLY people whom could be classified as someone with PTSD were soldiers or those in war zones. Then my therapist started explaining to me what a person whom they diagnose with PTSD goes through, what their life is like…it was like they wrote most of that definition for me.
Yet people still think what I went through can simply go away if I just get over it, forgive the priest, forgive the church, forgive those whom harmed me.
That if I just forget…somehow this will make me all better.
What those whom think this way do not realize, for 33 years I hid what that priest did to me. I felt guilty, I hated myself for what he did to me. I called myself the Antichrist because of it.
When I thought I was the ONLY one who got raped by a priest…once I came out and started raising my voice about this evil…I found there were tens of thousands of us. Then I found out what the leadership did to protect the rapists and not us. Then I found they continue to rape us and harm us by their actions against us.
They continue to deny us justice. They just wish we would shut up and go away. They insult us, denigrate us, call us faggots, say we enjoyed and wanted what happened to us. They call us liars and gold diggers. They say we should look at others whom do the same thing.
How can anyone with what I or others went through EVER hope to get any healing from this, hope to ever find it in our hearts to forgive those whom harmed us…when they continue to do this to us?
Whom do you think Jesus Christ is going to one day, heal our pain and wipe away our tears, take away the never ending nightmares we suffer from because what those whom called themselves priests, Cardinals, Archbishops, Bishops and even Popes did to cover this evil up? I have some hope with Pope Francis…we survivors had none with Pope Benedict.
I onced loved the RCC with all of my heart and soul. When I was a young boy taking my Catechism and doing my First Communion…I was hooked to the beauty and the mysticism and most of all…the love of God and Jesus Christ. That I just had the incredible honor of having my first Communion, of taking the Holy Body and Blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into me and that meant the world to me at that moment.
That was taken away from me in one night due to the perversities of a priest. Whom that night decided his vows he made to God, Jesus Christ and all of us did not matter, that his lusts mattered, and in that night…he took the soul, the faith and the life of a scared, young boy whom had just ran away from a foster home and thought the next day he was going to go to prison til he was 18 for it.
So when YOU PARISHIONERS hear us survivors of these crimes against us, speak out in anger, speak out in pain, speak out in horror about the evils done to us…do not condemn us…help us…help us heal from all of this suffering, all of this pain. Stand up for us. Stand up for your children. I know if you are true to the church…you have some God children. Remember the vows YOU TOOK…to protect and defend the life of this baby…with your very own if you need to.
If this is true to your heart and soul, if you took vows like these and you felt them burn within you…then do this again. Take the vow again to stand up and defend the Children of the Roman Catholic Church.
Help us heal our pain, help us heal our suffering. Help us.
Published Date Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00
PLEASE READ FRANK LAFERRIERE’S COMMENT AT END OF POSTING.
By Debra Thornblad
A hearing on charges that a Berlin resident made harassing phone calls to the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights took the better part of the day in Lancaster District Court Tuesday.
The hearing was continued while Lancaster District Court Judge Paul Desjardins considers a motion to dismiss filed by the defendant, Frank LaFerriere, 53, of Berlin.
LaFerriere is charged with three counts of harassment against William Donohue, who heads the non-profit Catholic advocacy organization based in New York City. LaFerriere has a pending lawsuit against the Catholic Church for sexual assaults that he says happened when he was 14 and 15.
The three harassment complaints allege LaFerriere called Donohue’s cell phone in January and February of this year, leaving what Donohue described as “abusive, annoying and threatening” messages.
LaFerriere was arrested on one count of harassment on February 22 and two other counts were added on June 28.
Donohue was the first witness on the stand. He described himself as a writer and publisher of a blog and several books and said he has also appeared on several television and radio programs. He agreed under cross examination that he had taken some positions on issues involving the Catholic Church for which he had been criticized and that he was a public person who had put himself and his views “out there.”
Donohue estimated that from December 2011 to early this year he had received about 150 calls from LaFerriere, who identified himself in some of the calls. Donohue started taping the calls in March 2012 and also contacted New York City police, who thought it might be a hate crime and recommended a bodyguard. New York police opened an investigation and contacted Berlin police, who filed the complaints.
Donohue was asked if he had ever responded in any way to LaFrenierre and he said he hadn’t. He eventually taped 50 calls and submitted the 28 most serious to police.
The three calls on which the complaints are based, made on January 12, 26 and February 16 of this year, were played in the courtroom. The calls were full of obscenities, foul and coarse language, and were critical and condemning of pedophile priests and those who protect and support them. The caller said he would continue to speak about what had happened to him and make sure the priests involved were put in prison where they belonged. He also stated it was sure they would go to hell, where he hoped they would be raped by demons as he had been by the priest that assaulted him. There were no physical threats, however, and LaFerriere was not charged with criminal threatening.
Donohue confirmed in court that he has made statements saying he believes a teenage boy 15 to 17 years old has the ability to fend off sexual attacks by a priest and if he didn’t it was because it was a consensual homosexual act.
LaFerriere’s attorney Jay Duguay focused his cross- examination of Donohue on public statements he has made and how those comments might affect the state of mind of a victim like LaFerriere. Duguay said Donohue has called alleged victims “liars, dropouts, thieves and gold diggers looking for a pay day.”
Donohue argued that many of his criticisms referred to dishonest organizations that portrayed themselves as helping victims of priest abuse. He claimed he had never criticized the victims themselves.
“I will never defend the indefensible,” a quote he said he made in a 2002 New York Times article. “There are some bad priests,” he said, adding that there are also some victims who have lied about being abused by priests.
Considerable time was spent during the examination and cross-examination of Donohue on past reports and court cases and what Donohue was referring to when he made some of his most controversial statements.
Following Donohue, Berlin Police Prosecutor Daniel Buteau called Berlin Detective Wade Goulet to the stand and asked him what role he played in the investigation.
Goulet said he had written the supporting affidavit to apply for a search warrant for LaFarriere’s phone records.
Buteau tried to enter the call logs as an exhibit, but Duguay objected, saying they were hearsay. He said in order to enter them the state would either have to have the “keeper of the records,” the phone company, present to swear to their authenticity, or an affidavit from the keeper of the records. Duguay said Goulet could not certify they’re accurate.
After some back and forth on the issue, the judge asked to see both in his chambers. He then ruled the call logs were inadmissible.
Berlin Police Detective Luc Poulin testified when he heard the taped calls he recognized the voice as that of Frank LaFerriere.
Lt. Detective Richard Plourde, the lead detective on the case, said an officer on the New York City Hate Crimes Task Force first contacted him about the case. He was told a resident in New York City was receiving harassing and disturbing phone messages. Plourde said he spoke to Donohue and the New York police emailed him 28 phone messages, which he downloaded onto a CD.
On Feb. 21, he went to LaFerriere’s residence and asked him to come to the police station where he was interviewed by Plourde and Anderson Smart, a detective with the New York City police department.
Despite an objection from Duguay, Buteau was allowed to play some of the interview tape. On the tape, LaFerriere admitted he had made the calls. When asked why, he said it was because of the nasty, perverted things Donohue had said about victims of priest abuse, calling them liars, gold diggers and that they should just shut their mouths and go away.
“As someone who has gone through what I have, I should never have to hear these things,” he told the two officers.
LaFerriere said he had hid what had happened to him for 36 years and had tried to kill himself many times.
“I wanted him to know the pain I’ve gone through,” he said.
On the tape, LaFerriere was asked what stopped him from going to New York.
“I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t know if I could control myself if I saw him,” he said.
LaFerriere was asked in the interview if he wanted Donohue dead.
“No, because that will stop his suffering,” he said. In one of his messages, LaFerriere said he hoped Donohue would get some horrible disease and suffer.
In the interview, LaFerriere said when he stated in one of the phone messages, “I’m coming for you, and all your pedophile priests,” he meant he was going to expose them all for what they had done.
When asked if he should have made those calls, he said, “maybe not, but I didn’t know any other way to react to him.”
Following the tape and later, in a motion to dismiss, Duguay argued that Donohue’s statements about victims were inflammatory and hurtful to people like LaFerriere.
He said the crux of the case is whether or not the calls and things said in the calls were constitutionally protected free speech. He said that hinged on whether or not the calls served a legitimate communicative purpose. Duguay said while LaFerriere’s language was offensive, it didn’t matter if it served that purpose.
To prove his point, Duguay dissected each of the three phone messages in the harassment charges against LaFerriere. Excluding the obscene and foul language, he argued that there was a message in each that LaFerriere was trying to get across.
In the first message, Duguay said LaFerriere accused Donohue of picking on gays and suggested he deal with the problem in the church. Duguay said LaFerriere was trying to point out the hypocrisy of Donohue’s position and suggesting he clean his own house first.
In the second message, LaFerriere accused Donohue of defending a cardinal for covering up in an abuse case involving priests. LaFerriere said Donohue thought all the victims were a bunch of liars and gold diggers. Duguay argued LaFerriere was trying to point out the affect Donohue’s statements had on him and others.
In the third message, LaFerriere told Donohue he was not afraid of him and would continue to speak up until they were all in prison.
Dugay said these all three messages had a legitimate communicative purpose.
He said the U.S. Supreme Court laid out what was meant by protected speech in the Westboro Baptist Church case, the church best known for picketing military funerals. The court had ruled that the issues on their posters were “speech on matters of public concern.” He said the issues around abuse by priests are likewise matters of public concern.
Duguay argued by making his statements, Donohue “opens himself up to reactions on issues of public concern. He puts himself in a position where he’s intentionally controversial, puts himself out there, puts his phone number out there. I don’t know if there’s anything more offensive than that, telling a 15-year old that he’s partly to blame for what happened to him and that he’s thus homosexual,” Duguay said.
Buteau said he didn’t think the Westboro case was relevant as it involved church members picketing, not making personal phone calls. He argued that LaFerriere’s purpose was solely to alarm.
Duguay countered that LaFerriere that he has the right to alarm if it’s for a legitimate purpose.
“He doesn’t have an unlimited right to alarm,” Buteau responded.
If Desjardins denies the motion to dismiss, the case will continue on Nov. 22 at 1 p.m. LaFerriere is expected to testify if that happens.
NOTE COMMENTS BY FRANK LAFERRIERE, PUBLISHER OF RAPE VICTIMS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH:
One thing not included fully in this story is Donohue’s comment about how the Roman Catholic Church does not have a pedophile problem but a homosexuality problem. Mr Donohue states that if 81% of the victims are male and 100% of the victimizers are male, and if 78% of the victims are post-pubescent, the word in the English language is not pedophilia, it’s called homosexuality.”
I take offense at Mr Donohue stating this as he in a way is right, the RCC does not have a pedophile problem, but a child abuse, child rape, child torture problem. Seeing Mr Donohue enjoys semantics though, if the judge does not dismiss the charges, then I will educate not only Mr Donohue but others, through my testimony, exactly the problem with the Unholy Roman Catholic Church of Pedophile Pimps is.
Letter to the Editor, Manchester Union Leader, April 18 2013 How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?
My letter to the editor, which appeared in the Manchester Union Leader, April 18, 2013: How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?
How can Catholics cheer those who hid abuse?
To the Editor: As a survivor of priest rape, I and many other survivors wonder if the parishioners of the Roman Catholic Church can understand how it feels to us victims to hear them cheering the Pope or cardinals like Timothy Dolan. Benedict and Dolan are just two who participated in the coverups of child rape by their priests. Yet we victims have to hear you cheer them on. Put yourself in a rape victim’s shoes and imagine what that is like for us.
On Bishops Accountability, there is a database. On this list, there are 3,763 priests and nuns, just in the United States, who were credibly accused. You look at this list, then come back and tell us it was just a few priests who did this, and remember, this is just for those in the U.S.
To put it bluntly, we victims feel that is the parishioners and the good bishops, cardinals , priests and nuns do not demand the immediate resignation of all of these leaders of your church credibly accused in the coverups, and the prosecution of these people for their crimes against children, then in our eyes you are just as guilty of these crimes as the perpetrators.
Talk to the victims and see if the church is in fact doing all it can to help us.
My story is now on the site Religion’s Cell at Frank LaFerriere’s Story of Priest Rape.
From the Blog Admin:
I applaud Frank’s courage in coming forward about his abuse. Speaking out is one of the most difficult things a victim of abuse can do. Sexual abuse hidden under the guise of “religion” is rampant across all denominations the world over. It’s time for this issue to come to the forefront and laws be enacted to protect people from this kind of abuse. If you are a victim of sexual, physical, emotional or spiritual abuse by a Priest, and would like to speak out and let your voice be heard, please contact me. Together, we all CAN make a difference and bring about change. Please consider visiting Frank’s Blog and Facebook page through the following links:
In March of 1975, I had run away from an abusive foster home. The only place they could put me for the night was St Thomas More Parish in Durham, NH, until my social services worker, Pam Shaw, could pick me up the next morning and bring me to Teen Haven group home in Rochester NH.
A police officer brought me to the church and no sooner did he leave and the priest brought me to his bedroom.
He told me I had broken one of the Ten Commandments and told me I was now going to hell unless I did what he said.
He had me strip and he got naked. First he performed oral sex on me to ‘suck out the evil from me”. He then forced me to perform oral sex on him to take his “sacred sacrament” into me. Even though I puked he was still not finished.
He raped me anally then. While he was doing so, he forced me to say the Our Father and Hail Mary and he kept telling me if I told anyone about his special healing I would burn in hell forever.
I remember crying and begging God and Jesus to make him stop.
When my social worker picked me up the next morning, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. She wanted to treat me to breakfast, but I refused. She knew something was wrong but I could not tell her.
She then brought me to Teen Haven. I started having nightmares of the world being destroyed. It was burning. I then became a pyromaniac. I set fire to two houses, though they were abandoned, the woods, called the Pines behind Spaulding High School in Rochester, and then set fire to a truck that was like two hundred yards from the Teen Haven for which I got arrested for the next day.
I was then brought to Austin Cate Academy in Center Strafford, NH. I still had the nightmares and even attempted my own evil. I tried three times to rape a girl in the Pines. I could not do it though, hell I puked each time I tried.
I did tell a school friend at Austin Cate, but he did not believe me. After that, my nightmares got even worse. I was being gang raped in hell by priests, bishops and popes and even the demons of hell. I would wake up when the priest who raped me, now a demon would come over and rip my penis off and eat it.
I became a drunk and a druggie. I got into all kinds of trouble with the law. I got raped one more time by a guy who picked me up hitch hiking and drugged me and I woke up to him raping me in the back of his RV. I thought I deserved this though and it was punishment for my telling John at school what happened to me.
Then two months later, I was hitch hiking again, and this guy pulled off the dirt road before the bridge in Gloucester Mass and tried to rape me, but I defended myself and sliced him up real good. I tried to get his car out of a ditch because he had run off, but I couldn’t, so I ran up the embankment and saw a cop car and flagged it down. I did not know he had already picked up the guy and I told the cop what happened. Well he went to put me into the back seat and I saw the guy and I freaked the hell out. Then the cop asked the guy if I was the one who just tried to rob him and first he said no. He said no a couple of times but then said yes when I kept saying he just tried to rape me.
The cop believed me though. Yet, there was nothing he could do because the guy pressed all kind of charges against me. I was charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon, attempted Armed Robbery and other charges. Again, I felt I deserved this and it pretty well ruined my life, I lost my job, my apartment everything and became homeless, eventually being arrested for breaking into a deserted boy scout hall in Rockport to live. I then went to jail to wait the trial but was given a 2 year probation sentence.
From then on my life was even more a living hell.
I eventually came out two and a half years ago after helping another rape victim.
Since then, I have been speaking out, through Facebook and my blog and in letters to the editors. I also am working on my own book about this and am working on naming names in the book of all the evil pedophiles of the US branch of the Roman Catholic Church.
Shame on you for cheering the Pope
My letter to the Editor that appeared in the Berlin Daily Sun on Friday March 1, 2013
One of the most evil things you can ever say to a victim/survivor of priest sexual abuse is telling them that because they no longer believe in God or Jesus Christ that they are going to burn in hell. To me this is evil because it reminds me exactly of what the perverted priest at St Thomas More parish in Durham NH said to me that night he spent raping my body and torturing my heart, mind and soul. See he told me again and again that if I told anyone I would burn in hell for all eternity. So can you understand why you should NEVER tell a priest rape victim/survivor that because they no longer believe in your God or Jesus Christ that they will end up in hell?
See for almost 38 years now I have had to deal with some of the most horrifying nightmares you can imagine.
First they started out where I would see the whole world destroying itself. I would see myself driving over the Spaulding Turnpike’s bridge at Hilton Park and all of a sudden the bridge would collapse. The river was boiling and roiling. It was blood red. Then the earth caught fire and I would then see the whole world literally explode into a billion pieces.
Then the nightmares changed. I think they started changing right after I told my buddy John in school about what happened to me. They would start by my taking a trip to hell. In these nightmares, they were as real as you can ever imagine. I can feel the heat, the flames, I can smell the smoke and sulphur. I can hear the cries and screams of the damned. Then the priest who raped me and a group of priests, popes and bishops would start to gang rape me. I can feel it all in the nightmares. I can feel them inside of me, tearing me apart. I can taste them, I can feel them violating me in all kinds of horrifying ways. The priests etc would then be replaced with the very demons of hell. I cannot even begin to describe what this is like. Imagine your worst nightmare, then multiply it by 1,000,000. Imagine what it would be like for you to be violently and viciously gang raped.
Think about the worst beating you ever got in your life, or the worse pain, yes, even the pain of childbirth. The pain suffered there is nothing compared to the pain we victims/survivors go through.
So before you tell a person who no longer believes in your God or Jesus Christ that they are going to hell, walk a few miles in their shoes before you make such a judgement. You may never know what kind of nightmares that person is suffering from.
Written by Melissa Grima
BERLIN — A local man with a claim of abuse pending against the Diocese of Manchester hopes that telling his story will help bring the focus of the church sex abuse scandal onto the victims rather than the abusers.
Frank Laferrier, a Berlin resident who grew up on the Seacoast, said he was raped by a priest as a young teen in Durham as he sought refuge at St. Thomas More Parish after running away from an abusive foster home. Laferrier said that although he has a claim pending with the diocese, he is coming forward to tell his story publicly because he believes Catholics “really need to see what was done to the victims.”
“I think if someone like me tells them what I went through, they would understand what the victims went through,” Laferrier said.
Careful to point out that he does not blame all Roman Catholics for the abuse he sustained, only the priest who did it, Laferrier said he recognizes that not all priests and parish leaders are like this. “I’ve met some really good people,” he said.
He added that he is not trying to destroy the church or attack anyone’s beliefs, but he does want those who abused children or hid the abuse to pay for their crimes.
“What the priest did to me that night, he took my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.”
According to Laferrier, on the night in question, he was brought to the church for a single night after running away. Alone with the priest, he was raped. As the priest raped him, Laferrier alleges, he was told it was punishment for his sins — the sin of disobeying his mother and father. Additionally, he claims, the priest told him if he told anyone what had happened he would spend an eternity burning in hell.
His upbringing in the faith and attendance at Catholic school made certain that he took those words to heart, he said, and as a result he held on to the secret until last year.
In September of 2011, Laferrier said, he took his case to the diocese and has since retained the services of attorney Peter Hutchins of Manchester, a personal injury attorney with extensive experience in clergy abuse cases.’
Hutchins, who said he has handled about 200 clergy abuse cases since 2002, said Laferrier’s claim is going through the process with the church but still has a ways to go. The case is currently in the investigation phase, Hutchins confirmed. He explained that claims of abuse go to the church, which then coordinates an informal interview with alleged victim and a diocese investigator. The investigator then prepares a report determining if claim is credible and the diocese moves from there.
Though Laferrier has brought his allegations to the diocese, he has not yet been scheduled for the informal interview with the investigator. Hutchins said he expects that move to come within the next few months.
After that, Hutchins said, the case can take 12-15 months before any settlement might be offered if the claim is found to be credible by the diocese. He noted that the church takes the cases as they come, but “there are certain financial realities with a small diocese especially one that has already paid out a couple hundred claims.”
The settlement process is the first course of action, Hutchins said, and his clients always have the right to pursue legal action in court if they are not satisfied with the outcome of the initial settlement attempts.
Laferrier said is looking for a financial settlement and an apology.
Though it has been many years since the original church abuse scandal broke in 2002, Laferrier pointed to continued comments from high-profile Catholics like Cardinal Timothy Dolan (Archdiocese of NY) and Catholic League president Bill Donohue and even Pope Benedict himself, as part of the reason he has become so outspoken.
“Frank’s an individual who is very involved in following these church related matters,” Hutchins said. He takes issues with many of the comments made by these men on his blog Rape Victims of the Catholic Church (all one word) on WordPress. In his blog, which is a blend of news links and vitriolic tirades, Laferrier takes issue with stories relating to the Catholic Church on a fairly regular basis.
Hutchins added that Frank is not alone in waiting to make his claim of abuse. “A lot of people, they come forward at different random times for whatever reason,” he said. He noted that 2002-03 —when the issue was in the news — saw the most people come forward. Even now, though, his law firm averages one call every 4-6 weeks and he currently has 6-8 pending clergy abuse cases.
Yesterday I felt like I was walking into the lions den. I had to do something though to put an end to these incredibly horrible nightmares. So I made an appointment to see Father Kyle Stanton of the Guardian Angel Parish here in Berlin NH. Even though I disagreed with his answer to my question, why did God and Jesus Christ allow this to happen, everything else he said gave me a lot of peace.
After I left the meeting with him, I asked for forgiveness first for myself, for the things I did when I was striking out against the church. I then forgave the priest who raped me and changed my life. I told him I forgive you, but this does not mean I will not continue to seek justice against you. I also told him he had no power over me and he had none to judge me that I was going to hell if I spoke about what he did to me.
I cried like a baby, then felt an overwhelming peace.
Last night there were no nightmares, nor bad dreams of my being put to death.
At least it’s a start to healing.
WHY DO YOU PARISHIONERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH KEEP STANDING UP FOR YOUR PEDOHILE PRIESTS AND PEDOPHILE PIMP LEADERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH
WHAT PART OF THE LAW ON CRIMES OF AGGRAVATED FELONIOUS SEXUAL ASSAULT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF THE LAW ON CRIMES OF CHILD RAPE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF THE LAWS ON THE CRIME OF DESTROYING EVIDENCE AND COVERING UP CRIME DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
WHY HAVE YOU PARISHIONERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH NOT DEMANDED ALL OF THESE PRIESTS WHO RAPED YOUR CHILDREN NOT BE TURNED OVER TO THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES TO BE PROSECUTED FOR THE RAPE OF YOUR CHILDREN?
WHY HAVE YOU PARISHIONERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH NOT DEMANDED YOUR POPE AND THE LEADERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH WHO KNEW ABOUT THE RAPE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND COVERED IT UP BE PROSECUTED FOR THIS?
DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT YOU ARE FORSAKING THE CHILDREN OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH WHO WERE RAPED BY YOUR PRIESTS, THEN RAPED AGAIN BY THE LEADERS OF THE CHURCH IN THE COVERUP, THAT YOU ARE SUPPORTING THE RAPISTS OF YOUR OWN CHILDREN BY YOUR NOT DEMANDING THESE PRIESTS BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT THE LAW ALLOWS OR THE LEADERS DONE THE SAME?
WHEN OH WHEN ARE YOU, THE PARISHIONERS OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH GOING TO REMOVE YOUR BLINDERS TOWARDS YOUR LEADERS AND PRIESTS AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT BY YOUR CHILDREN?
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FACE JESUS CHRIST WHEN YOU APPEAR BEFORE HIM AND HE ASKS YOU WHY DID YOU SUPPORT THOSE WHO RAPED THE CHILDREN OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AND NOT DEFEND THE INNOCENT CHILDREN? WHY DID YOU NOT CHASE THESE DEMONS FROM THE CHURCH AND HAVE THEM PROSECUTED FOR WHAT THEY DID TO YOUR VERY OWN CHILDREN?
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER JESUS CHRIST, YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR ON THAT DAY WHEN YOU APPEAR FOR HIM AND HE ASKS YOU WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THE VICTIMS OF PRIEST RAPE? DID YOU DEFEND THE PRIESTS AND THE CHURCH? OR DID YOU DEFEND THE CHILDREN?
RAPE OF A CHILD IS ILLEGAL AND WRONG. RAPIST OF CHILDREN SHOULD BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT THE LAW ALLOWS. THOSE LEADERS OF THE RCC WHO COVERED THIS UP AND PROTECTED THE PEDOPHILE RAPIST PRIESTS OVER THE CHILDREN OF THE CHURCH SHOULD BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT THE LAW ALLOWS.